Feeling Festive

This is our tree this year.  There are already presents under the tree.  Parker has done most of his shopping and even wrapped them!  I'll start wrapping in the coming days.  

We finally got the tree up and decorated.  I like to do it earlier in December because December 26th...that thing comes down!  I do love having the Christmas decorations up, however, I also like everything in it's place and with the tree up almost NOTHING in the family room is in it's proper place.  LOL  It's the OCD in me.  I haven't gotten any other decorations up yet.  But I'll do those this afternoon.  And some holiday baking.  I'll do shortbread for the cookie gift exchange.  

I just love how tacking and mismanaged this tree looks.  I always long for a stylized tree with a theme but I love all our sentimental decorations and the memories we go through each year when the tree is decorated.  I loved how Parker would explain what a certain decoration was from or what it meant to him.  It touches my heart that the kids love the same things that I do about Christmas.  

I love this time of year, but I'm also very aware of what's around the corner.  January and February are incredibly hard months for me.  They always have been.  I'd like to think that will eventually change but I've come to accept it for what it is and brace myself for the inevitable.  

I am most consistent with my medication in January and February, and I try to focus on getting outside when the weather cooperates and keep checking my own list of joyful activities I can do to keep my mind from going to the dark places it's likes to go to in those months.  I feel like I must have been a hibernating animal in a past life.  Because winter and I are just NOT friends.  I've tried.  I've bought the warm boots, the warm coats, the hats and mitts and the whole bit.  But I just cannot feel warm and happy in the winter.  

So for now, I'm focusing on being festive, getting my shit done.  Meeting Kathy and Linda for tea this afternoon, then I'm finishing our budget and getting dinner done. Then after dinner making shortbread!  Play the music loud baby!

 

A little downtown break

 I hate Paul's work.  Mostly I hate his boss.  But we are staying downtown TO tonight on TD's bill since there is a big deployment and Paul needs to be right downtown for it.  Our hotel room overlooks the CN tower and all the city lights!  It's so cool.  

Last night I went down to the lobby in my pj's to pick up our Skip the Dishes order.  Salad King!  And they deliver!  OMG, it was sooooo good.  So good in fact, I finished Paul's dinner as well as my own!  Oh lord, some things about the city I miss so much.  But we don't need a car since we are right downtown.  If you wanna drive anywhere, it's a literal hell hole.  

I walked along Queen Street today past Spadina.  Over 6,000 steps!  I got some fabric and was delightfully surprised by how clean the streets were.  Not a single piece of trash.  And the stores have gotten a lot nicer since I shopped there.  

I did find some flannel for Paul's pj's for Christmas.  This week I have to be like a little elf making and creating a whole lot!!  

Okay back home.  

Paul hates his boss...therefore hates work

 

Paul has been having a rough time at work lately.  In his first year working for the bank, he has had three bosses.  Yup, you read that right, three in one year.  The first one hired Paul knowing he was going to quit.  Then the replacement he hired for himself, ended up quitting.  And now he has some jackhole who's been at the bank for eons and is KNOWN to be an asshat is his boss.  And he's not going anywhere.  

To add insult to injury, despite winning project of the year, and being on one of the most important and biggest projects of the year, despite getting little to no direction from any of his bosses, despite getting NO training even though they knew when they hired him he had no trading knowledge, my hubby gets a review that would make you cry.  STANDARD.  He got a freaking S.  WTF is the letters that come to my mind!  

Flying all over the globe whenever they asked him.  Working all hours of the day and night including weekends.  And he gets a freaking S and then a pay cut?!  Works stat holidays and told it's an expectation of those who are 'executives'.  FUUUUCK THEM!!!!!  

I've never hated anyone I've never met before.  But I hate Paul's boss.  I'm even nervous about typing and posting any of this since I think there may be a slim chance he scours the internet looking for ways to get rid of Paul.  

And to make matters even worse, I'm making literally NO money.  I'm going to have to start applying for jobs.  My real estate career is costing us money and that's not cool.  

I've taken over the cinnamon roll booth and things are going well.  I'm paying myself $100 a weekend every time I work and putting it in an envelope in our safe.  Paul doesn't even know.  I just have this sneaking suspicion we are going to need the money at some point.  So I'm shoving as much away as I can.  And make a ton of returns.  As well as just trying to spend less.  

But it doesn't seem to help.  

I'm doing everything that Heidi is telling me to do.  Door knocking consistently.  I hosted photos with Santa in the park - that was a lot of fun.  Paul LOVED being Santa.  LOL  

How do I get my real estate business off the ground?!  UGH.  I hate this feeling.  

I need to door-knock every freaking day.  Every other day in Alliston with Craig and pick and area here in Barrie to do on the off days.  Winter.  I freaking hate winter and now I'm going to be out in the weather every freaking day.  

I just want to make enough money to pay off our debts and pay off the mortgage (approx $200,000) and then keep making money so that Paul can feel like he can retire and we will be okay.  

I want so badly to give him that.  He's supported me in everything that I have done.  Even when it was not well thought out and stupid.  LOL  A baby blanket booth at Kempenfest.  What was I thinking?!  hahahahahahaha

I just didn't realize how much I would feel the pain too.  I hate Paul being in this situation.  

It's almost 8:00 pm.  Paul's watching TV with Kiefer.  The Simpsons.  I couldn't hate a show more.  But I can hear Paul giggling in the next room.  I know he's high - but it's still good to hear him giggle. 

I need to get my ass in gear with Christmas cards.  I will take photos tomorrow morning.  Do the driving and make sure I have them all.  Marketing should have something to me by end of the week and then I can have them mailed out by end of next week.  A bit later than I was hoping but I will get on it! 

SHIT and my newsletter too! I'll send it with the cards! 😀

Okay now to do some chores - laundry and bathrooms and floors and my planner...ugh I need more hours in the day! 

Peace out world.  ☮

Putting it out there: I'd like a job that I don't hate, making good money, flexible with my family time, a great boss, preferably something in nonprofit.  Something to do with kids or moms would be cool.  Can someone just drop that in my lap please?  Putting it out there in the world! 

Over-Emphasizing

 

Half your problems are just your mind making minor things seem like major things.

What are you over-emphasizing right now?

 

Real Estate Success

 

I want to be a success in real estate.  I had no idea attracting clients would be this hard.  Competing with the big names is almost impossible!  People see Peggy Hill's name or Mark Faris and they just assume since they are everywhere, they must be good and go with them.  

And I don't doubt they are good.  Mark Faris puts out an amazing book (it's literally a book) at each house he lists.  His marketing budget must be off the charts!  Peggy Hill is just everywhere.  Literally everywhere.  One of our community centers has her name on the front of it.  (Just a small half a mil donation will get you that honour) 

I have been door-knocking with a partner from the office.  We are doing our own thing but so far - no leads!  I thought I had one - but I emailed the guy and got nothing back.  :(  Okay I just emailed him again but I doubt this is a solid lead.  

So I will keep door-knocking and doing what Heidi tells us to do.  I NEED to start making money in this business.    I keep wishing I had tried harder earlier.  But I can't go back and redo the past.  I can only move forward.  

So I will show up tonight with a happy face and show a house that I know my client can't buy!  UGH!!  I know she wants things to move along but I don't think they are going to!  I think they might end up letting this seller go and selling their house for less than it is now.  And I could have sold it faster and for the same price.  Whatever!  If I'm honest, I don't know that so I just have to be patient.  And in the meantime, get a move on the things that I know I should be doing.  

Okay gotta get ready to show some homes! 

PEACE!

Friday

 

Well it's Friday and I have a shit ton to to. 

Market for icing and cookies.

Therapy in Orillia 

Door knocking in Alliston

Dinner and show in Mississauga.

So that's it.  That's all I have time for. 

Peace out. 

Getting it done!!

So this is what I felt like today!  A total badass supermom.  I woke up early and drove Paul to the Go Train.  Then I got up and got Kiefer to school.  (Albeit a bit late but still before 8:30 am).  Blaine even helped me get his breakfast ready which really put me in a good mood.  Then I logged into our office meeting and was even used as an example a couple of times!  (Yay me!)  Then I cleaned out our garage and got the Corvette inside.  I had to move 8 tires and stacked them all up.  THAT was a good workout.  Double duty!!  

Then I did some laundry, made our bed, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned out the drawers in my office.  Cleaned off half of my desk.  Posted two items on the Facebook marketplace to get them out of our house.  

Drove Kiefer to wrestling club, took all the garbage from the garage to the dumpster, did a showing for work, came home and now am doing my journalling and about to start dinner which I took out of the freezer today at lunch.  OH, and I called my mom and talked to her for an hour.  

I also squeezed in a little lie down at one point because, FUCK, I earned it! 

Just have to finish some laundry and put it all away, clean up Kiefer's room (so I can put it away) help him shower and it will be a full day done!  

I love days like this where I can stay focused and get my shit done.  I am usually so overwhelmed that I sit and stagnant in my own misery.  

So on that note, let me get my shit done and go make dinner.  
 

The Older Brother...

 

This is what I remember of my older brother.  Always teasing me.  Never protecting me.  In fact, my first week of grade 9 I had so many strangers coming up to me to tell me how weird my older brother was.  That he ate his own boogers in class.  GREAT.  Like it doesn't already hurt that I'm in grade 9.  Now I have a loser older brother's reputation to deal with too.  

I've been dreaming about him lately.  Or nighmaring.  If I could stick a fork into my brain and kill any and all memories I have of him I would.  There isn't one that comes to mind that is heartwarming or kind or nostalgic in ANY way.  

Once we stopped for ice cream as a family and I too eagerly was licking my ice cream.  The whole thing fell off the cone onto the ground.  Of course, I was NOT getting another one.  So I started to cry.  My brother, (I refuse to utter his name or even type it) started to laugh and then continued to exaggerate his licking his ice cream cone right in front of me.  Like WHAT AN ASS!  If one of my boys did that, they would lose their ice cream cone right then and there to the younger sibling.  But I would have refused.  Or thrown his on the ground too.  ASSHOLE.  

He's always been an asshole.  And always needed "help".  But that doesn't excuse what he did to me.  My whole trust system was built on an experience of the only two older men in my home taking advantage of me.  Think about that for a second.  How was I taught to trust men?  How was I taught how to be treated by a man?  The people who influence you the most are those who you are exposed to on a regular basis growing up, right?  Well, the men in my life sucked.  

I love my father.  I think he is a good man.  But he has some SERIOUS demons that ended up fucking me up pretty damn bad.  I believe he has tried to atone for his sins and do better.  My brother is just fucked up and thinks everyone else is to blame.  That's why he left the family.  I mean GOOD RIDDENS!!!  I wouldn't have a thing to do with him if he were still a part of the family.  Thank GOD for small miracles.  

Thanks to my mother, Kiefer now knows about my older brother.  And his name.  Oh yippy!  And he wants to meet him.  I try to explain to him what a horrible person he is.  And that Daddy hasn't even met him.  That my job is to protect him and that there is NO WAY I'm ever letting him meet him as he hurt me very badly as a child.  But Kiefer is pure love and innocence and sees no way that someone related to me could possibly want to hurt him.  

sigh.

I thought I was over what he did to me.  But clearly working on this therapy and digging into the past is bringing up a lot of shit for me.  A LOT OF SHIT.  

Paul has been super supportive but he wants me to get a full-time job.  I don't think he realizes just how much I do around here.  And how things are barely holding on right now as it is!  

Or maybe I'm afraid of how barely holding on I am.  

I'm angry about the life that was stolen from me.  A life where a little girl has a protective older brother.  A life where a little girl doesn't feel awkward dancing with her father at a wedding because she is SURE that everyone will figure out what's going on if they dance close to one another.  

A life where she felt FREE to express herself and open to be who she really was.  Instead, she was shy and scared and bit her nails and tried to be a tomboy because then maybe I wouldn't be as desirable.  

I wonder what kind of confident assured successful person I would be today if I wasn't so broken when I went to University.  

Ya so I guess that's the unresolved bit.  I'm still angry.  

But I'm working on me.  I am working on healing that little girl inside me and letting her know that she CAN be free.  She CAN be confident.  

Because no one is going to hurt her again.  I won't let that happen.

💜

Parenting difficult children...

 

So the funny thing about this picture is that I searched for "parenting difficult children" and I think this is supposed to be a picture of a difficult child...but it's what I feel like right now.  Angry, frustrated, unseen unheard, and generally just MISERABLE.  

I don't want to be a parent anymore.  Certainly not to Blaine.  He does nothing wrong.  Takes accountability for nothing and doesn't even know what reality is anymore.  

I'm so done.  BEYOND DONE.  I'm BURNT.  BURNT THE FUCK OUT.

Life is GREAT when you are a teenager.  You can play your tunes as loud as you want, keep your room a mess or tidy, you have your own space (I mean I never did - but whatever) and then when you are hungry there's a fridge full of food you didn't pay for or even a nice warm dinner waiting for you when it's dinner time.  

I WANT TO BE A FUCKING TEENAGER.  

Laughable

 I had a dream last night that was eerily a good insight to what I think I'm feeling - but didn't even realize.  

DREAM: 

I was walking down the street when I saw one of my real estate signs in the window of someone's door.  The door had a clear window and they were using one of my signs turned on its side as a window shade.  I walked up to the door and knocked and when the woman answered I saw she had several of my signs in her studio.  There were other employees around big tables in an open space where many of my signs were being stored.  Only there was something 'off' about them.  They were hand-drawn.  And some of my signs that were not hand-drawn, had paint all over them.  

I ripped the sign from the door saying "This is mine and there is a copyright on it and you can't be doing this!!"  I started to gather up all the signs as the people sitting around just looked on in disbelief.  They seemed like they started laughing at me to themselves.  As I tried to get out of the studio with all my signs (and the handmade ones claiming they had copyright) the woman who answered the door, and appeared to be in charge, started scribbling on the signs as I was carrying them.  She exclaims, "There I've signed them so they are considered art and no copyright applies to art!!" 

I continued to storm out of the studio but as I did, I could hear all the people laughing as I was leaving and I heard one person say, "WHAT A JOKE!  She thinks people are going to take her seriously with that colourful goofy logo!  hahaha" 

All I could hear as I was storming out with all my signs was laughter.  And they were laughing AT ME. 

I woke up feeling embarrassed and sheepish.   I want to be taken seriously.  I can feel the embarrassment I felt in elementary school when I was teased and bullied.  I want to heal that little girl and tell her how awesome she is and that those people are just dumb!  They can't see the amazing person you are!  

How do I heal that little girl inside so she doesn't feel like a joke?! Perhaps something to talk about tomorrow at my therapy appointment.

I just wanted to make sure I had written it down and remembered how that felt.  

Staying Strong...

 

It's very important to me to be strong.  Being 'strong' can be taken in so many different ways.  We tried to move a fridge this weekend from the garage to the house - seems like it would be an easy task!  We even have a dolly so we could wheel it around and bring it up the THREE steps easily into the house.  Well, let me tell you - my husband and two boys as well as myself were not 'strong' enough to get that thing into the house.  Or perhaps we were wise enough to know it wasn't a good idea!   

At the beginning of this year, I was going to the gym every day (through the week) and training my body.  But as much as I was training my body, I was also training my mind.  The commitment and determination it takes to stay consistent with your goals isn't just physical training but a mental one.  

And if I'm completely honest, I think mentally training your mind and becoming 'strong' is even more important than physical training.  

It's crucial for me to stay mentally strong.  And many days, I do not feel mentally strong.  I feel worthless.  I feel unsafe.  I feel unworthy.  I feel forgotten.  I feel unloved.  

And these feelings are common for those who have experienced childhood trauma like I have.  And I'm trying so hard to heal and get better.  I'm trying so hard to train those emotions and feelings out of me.  I am strong.  I DO accomplish what I put my mind to.  (hello!  VBA2C!!)  I am safe.  I am worthy.  I am not forgotten (by those who matter) and I am loved.  

I need to remember those things on the days that I don't feel strong.  That my mind is a tricky little bugger who likes to deceive me! What I think (sometimes) is not real!  It's a story my mind has made up and I start to believe it!  I need to remember what a storyteller my mind can be!  Robert Munsch ain't got nuthin' on my mind!  

I got this.  I need to start treating myself like I would treat one of my girlfriends.  Because I'm an awesome friend.  Supportive and kind.  Giving.  Loving.  

Krista Birkbeck deserves that kind of treatment too.  From HERSELF!  

So that's my new years resolution.  I'm not waiting for the New Year to start.  I am starting today.  

Krista is awesome.  Krista IS strong.  And Krista is worthy of all the love and kindness she puts OUT in the world.  She is deserving of some to turn inward.  

💜

 

Last quarter...

 

We are WELL into our fourth quarter of the year, the last quarter.  This year has NOT gone according to plan as it pertains to my business.  My business has taken a back burner to my emotional health for most of this year.  And my bank account reflects that.  

It's time to kick it into high gear.  I went to Vegas at the beginning of this year promising myself I was going to hit my goals.  My goal this year was to make $150,000 commission.  If I hit my goal I was going to buy myself a Tiffany's necklace.  

The mini of this pendant is $5,100 and the full size version is $15,000 CAD.  Crazy eh?  But I thought it would motivate me to get to it and hit my goals.  I only door knocked once...maybe twice.  Ya I think twice.  Nadda.  Zip.  Nothing.  

Heidi, my broker of record, still swears that door knocking is the way to go.  I just don't seem to have luck doing it.  So I've decided, I'm going to start door knocking every day until I get a sale.  And then I'm going to keep doing it until I get another sale, and another and another.  I'm GOING to finish this year strong.  

You see I have a $120,000 debt to pay off.  And then I have a mortgage I need to pay off. 

AND I NEED TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT.      

I need to prove to Paul I can be the one to support us and bring in money.  There are no project manager jobs for me.  But I'll look for those too becuase I need as much money as I possibly can in a short amount of time.  

There are no 'get rich quick' schemes out there that actually work.  It's HARD work and keeping consistent that is going to make or break me.  And I don't want to give up real estate.  I don't!  

So work for what you want!  There's a saying, "Get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get"

I need to get out there and GET WHAT I LIKE!!  Which is listings and buyers!  I need to get on social media more, I need to finish my Listings Lab course, I need to touch my database, I need to get a list of all my sales and buys and take pictures of the doors.  I need a list!! And then I need to project manage that mother fucker!!  

I am capable of this.  I am capable of so much more than I am putting out into the world.  The world deserves more of me!  Look out world!!

And I am GOING to have that necklace around my neck next year.  I am going to hit my goals and I am going to treat myself to that dang necklace.  

I have the capacity to support this family and Paul can quit his job.  I am in year 5 now.  I should be here.  

I'm going to get there.  And that's not just business.  My body.  My home.  My marriage.  

Get ready.  Here I come

Thanksgiving reflections...

 Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm starting to feel the stress.  The stress of bringing all the stuff up to the cottage and praying that I have it all there!  

Turkey, ham, dinner rolls, veggies, and all the pots and pans and serving dishes to serve it all!  Not to mention the spices and oils and the pressure of cooking everything for everyone!  I'm not the best cook in the world...what if I need something and it's not at the cottage?!

Sigh.  I keep telling myself all will be fine.  It will be FINE.  But I keep having this nagging feeling that it will NOT be fine.  

Feeling good...but poor

I have had a few really good days.  It feels weird to even type that, but when you are battling mental illness, you really do take each day as they come.  It's actually rare when you start to put together a few days in a row when you are feeling strong and healthy.  Those days are dangerous because then the fall can creep up on you when you least expect it.  But I'm starting to learn to appreciate those days and live in the moment.  Knowing that 'the moment' can end at any time.   

So I feel good, strong, and healthy.  But poor.  Paul informed me our credit cards have reached their max again.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I don't even use the credit card that much.  I try my best to keep to my $500 a week - which seems like a lot but man it goes fast.  I don't know how people live.  Or I don't know what we are doing wrong.  But it needs to get under control and fast.  

And then yesterday Paul informed me that a recession is on its way.  TD has put on a hiring freeze.  Oh great.  And I thought I might get back into project management.  I guess that's not happening.  Or I better dust off my resume and make it shiny and bright real fast.  

AAAAND, on top of all of that, we are hosting Thanksgiving this year at the cottage.  So not only is the dinner financially going to be draining, the whole emotion of the whole event is going to be draining.  Like a lot.  

And that makes me feel weak.  Like I can't handle things.

When I was a little girl, I used to have this image of a strong, slim, healthy woman who was powerful and decisive and had her SHIT together.  And that woman was me.  I was going to be well-dressed, successful, and a powerful woman in what I did.  

I feel so far away from that image.  SO FAR.  I feel weak, fat, unhealthy (both physically and mentally).  I don't feel like my poop is in any sort of group.  

I want to be that woman.  I just don't know what I'm meant to do in this world.  I know I'm meant to be here.  I'm beyond that now.  Or I try to be every day.  I love my kids more than anything in the whole world and I will live just for them if that's all I'm meant to do.  But I just wish I KNEW what that thing was.  So I could have peace surrounding it.  

As weird as this might seem, perhaps I just need to pray on it.  

Until I reach those goals, keep on keeping on and chin up and big girl panties on.  

💜

Planner excitement!!!!

 

Here is a picture of the planner I have purchased for 2024.  It's the same system I used for 2023 and I absolutely love it!  

I mean a planner only works as much as you work it - but it just seems to keep me on track and has definitely helped with managing the house and my mental health.  My goal for 2024 (and the rest of this year if I'm honest) is to incorporate more WORK into the planner system and reach THOSE goals.  

I'm sort of tired of talking about my mental health on here - which is a big part of my processing journey - but I just wanted to talk about something I am excited about!  

I do have a listing right now and hope to do a live video tomorrow walking through the condo.  I also have two buyer clients and a leasing client just fell into my lap.  I hope I can help them all!  I really REALLY need a paycheque.  

I'd also like to get more reading time into my schedule.  I seem to watch HOURS of TV and have all these books I'd like to read but can't seem to find the time to read them.  DUMB I know.  Like just stop watching TV.  But TV seems to be the only way Paul and I spend time together.  Somehow I need to change that.

Anyways, on top of my planner coming soon, Linda and I will plan a weekend in Buffalo!!  I can't wait for that! We can shop and eat and get ready for Christmas coming up!  Hard to believe Christmas is 'coming up'.  Where did my summer go?!

When do you call it quits?

 

Typing the words "when do you call it quits?" and uploading the above picture has my stomach in knots.  

Fundamentally, I don't believe in divorce.  I don't know why.  It's a bit of a mix of getting married before God, and pushing back against the 'just replace it' society that we've become.  I just believe that when two people want to work on something together for the greater good of the marriage and the family, a stronger bond emerges.  And it teaches the children about longevity, loyalty, and not just FINDING the right partner but BEING the right partner.  

But when something so insurmountable presents itself, what are you to do?  What happens when your values no longer line up?  What happens when a compromise is impossible?  I don't want to call it quits, but I simply cannot see a path forward.  

Almost half of my life is tied up in this person.  We have built a family together.  A business, an entire LIFE!  While it feels impossible to continue the way we are, it also feels impossible to separate.  

I've tried so many times to overcome obstacles that we have encountered.  And many times I wondered if staying was the right move.  

It always turns out to be.  I think.  I have a good life.  I'm well taken care of.  Could I be happier?  Do we see staying together long term?  

I can see both sides of it now - which I couldn't before - which I guess it what scares me.  I see leaving as being an easier option than the unknown.  

UGH.  Why doesn't life come with a user manual?!

Still feeling off...

 

Paul and I are still barely talking.  Just the necessary words.  We watch shows but he checks out early.  I'm getting a lot more done since I am spending virtually no time with him.  But I miss him.  No snuggles.  No small talk.  

He always says "You're stuck with me!  I'm never leaving" but I always wonder if this is the straw that will break the camel's back.  

We were supposed to go to a movie yesterday but Paul cancelled last minute.  We were supposed to go with Parker so instead I went for sushi with him.  :) 

I love spending one-on-one time with my boys.  Next week I will take Blaine on a date.  Since my husband barely wants to talk to me or date me anymore.  

This has been the longest we haven't talked to each other in a long time.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I have stomach pains and just want to go to bed all day long!  

Pattern of abuse continues...

 

It's so incredibly hard for me to come to terms with my past trauma.  Molested by my father and my older brother.   The only two men in my life and they both took advantage of me in my formative years.  What did that teach me about love and how to love?  What did that teach me about my worth?  How much did that break me?  How did that affect my self-worth and self-esteem?  How would my life be different now if that abuse had not taken place?

There is so much pain and hurt there - and to know that it happened again to my son breaks my heart and makes me so angry.  Angry because I am forced to deal with the abuser almost every day.  The mere mention of his name makes the hair on my back stand up on end.  I hate him.  I hate him with every fiber of my being.  He is a manipulator and any tears he sheds over his shame and remorse are crocodile tears.  He's a psychopath who has no remorse.  He is only sorry because I am holding a firm boundary and not letting him back into our house or family.  

However, because everything is a secret, I am always the bad guy.  I don't want to talk about him.  I don't even want to type his name.  I don't have pictures in the house.  I'm the bad guy.  I don't want him over for dinner.  I'm the bad guy.  I don't sign his name on cards.  I'm the bad guy.  

So because I was asked to keep a secret, I was also asked to be the bad guy at every turn.  I didn't quite realize that when I agreed to keep it a secret.  And to my shock and dismay, it never happened again so couldn't be reported.  

He says he's sorry.  He says he's not that person anymore.  I'm sorry - it takes a certain KIND of fucked up to molest a child, much less a child with special needs, much less your brother!! There's just too much here for it to be swept under the rug which is exactly what my husband wants me to do.  Just forget it ever happened.  There's WAY too much mental illness there for me to believe that 'he's just not that person anymore'.  BULLSHIT.  You don't just molest your special needs little brother and then BAM, you're not that person anymore.  It doesn't work like that.  

It's caused me MORE trauma on top of the trauma I already have!  And then my husband is trying to force me to be near the abuser.  I want to MURDER him.  I want to choke the life out of him and see him suffer.  If he died tomorrow, I would be RELIEVED!  I would not cry a single tear.  I would actually be SO FREAKING happy that I never ever had to see him again and never ever be forced to BE THE BAD guy again!  

I'm going to suggest therapy for my husband and me.  Hopefully, we can get a therapist who will not report it and we can talk about it and figure out how to move forward within our marriage.  I think we need to have some ground rules for engaging with the abusing child - who is not a child and wasn't a child when it happened!  Another reason he didn't just 'change' who he was! 

And because on Sunday I held firm to my boundaries, my husband still isn't talking to me.  At the last minute, he changed the plans we had and wanted me to either 1. drive down alone to Toronto to see my son play hockey or  2. drive with the abuser in the car for over an hour!  And pretend like everything is fine and dandy!  

THINGS ARE NOT FINE AND DANDY!  This whole thing has me literally considering divorce.  My husband says I'm 'stuck with him' for life, but if forced to choose between my son and my husband, I would choose my son so if I make him choose - guess where I will land.  

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF PAYING FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S MISTAKES!!!!  

I'm not a door mat.  I'm not someone to be used and taken advantage of.  I'm so fucking sick of it.  Friends, family, clients - everyone thinks they can just walk all over me and take whatever they want!  I'm DONE!!  No more!  

I'm holding firm to my boundaries and if you don't like it - GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Good morning! You got into an accident!!!

 

What a freaking way to start the morning!  It was raining this morning so I opted to drive Kiefer to school.  He said he had a bleeding nose and I was reaching for the Kleenex.  I was going very slow and there is no damage at all to my vehicle.  All the same, the woman was completely pissed off at me and now my day is completely sidetracked.  

I'm trying my best to stay on task and keep off social media but I'm completely bummed.  We do not have the money for this.  Not at all.  I don't even know if Paul knows that his tax bill is $82,000!  And we didn't even have enough to pay off my tax bill.  We are spending more than Paul makes (which is A LOT - how is that possible?!) and can't seem to get on track.  

I need to start making money.  I am selling a condo which fingers crossed gets sold soon, and hopefully have two buyer clients and another listing coming up.  All of which is good - but I need more!!  Am I being greedy?! I need to work harder.  I need to get out there and door knock.  

I have cancelled my pedicure, cancelled tea with TJ, going to make sure I return some Amazon items today.  

Why can't I get my spending on track?  

I feel like a colossal failure.  

Okay better prepare the returns.  

Why oh why doesn't my car just break for me??  

Dear universe, 

I need more money.  Please send some.

Love,

Krista

Something is 'off'...

 

Would have super loved this image had it been of a woman...but as soon as I saw it I knew it was the image for today's blog post - because it embodies EXACTLY how I feel.  

Paul has told me I don't have to work.  I started looking for a job as a project manager or a Scrum Master and 99% of the listings ask for a degree or a master's degree!  Like to be a project manager!  Which is basically just a work mom.  Seriously.  It's keeping a bunch of people on track, reminding them of their commitments and what will happen if we don't meet them, and motivating people to work to the best of their ability.  A work Mom.  And you want me to have a master's to do that?!  I already have a PhD in parenting...all the courses and the shit I've been through.  Trust me your little project isn't making me nervous one bit.  

So I felt a bit defeated over that.  Then there is the fact that my house is a hoarder's dream.  Or a clean person's nightmare?!  I mean okay we aren't qualifying for an episode of Hoarders anytime soon, but like we have too much fucking stuff.  I literally dream of the house burning down and starting fresh.  Why is that?  Just do the damn work to clean the place up.  I mean you don't work - so what DO you do?!  If I'm not working, shouldn't there be a gourmet meal on the table each night and candlelight and soft music and the house look like a show home?  

So I started cleaning out the kitchen.  Slowly.  I'm about halfway done.  That was supposed to be Wednesday's job and it's Friday.  

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!  

I feel like the world's biggest failure.  I have no passions that I want to pursue work-wise, I don't have a degree, I have a messy house and an unhappy husband and kids who are raising themselves.  What am I doing with my life?!  

I walk around with this feeling like I just want to cry all the time - but the tears just won't come.  I used to be REALLY good at crying.  They called me "faucet face" in grade school.  The slightest thing and I would cry.  I feel like now as an adult, I've become numb.  

I've been doing EMDR therapy with my therapist.  The sessions are simple, but hard.  I find it hard to keep my mind focused on what I should be focusing on.  And then there is the sleep.  I have been EXTREMELY tired lately.  I stopped taking my iron supplements about 2 months ago because they made me feel so ill.  I've been super tired for about three weeks, which oddly enough, lines up perfectly with when I started the EMDR.  After the first session, I was EXTREMELY agitated.  I jumped down Paul's throat with no explanation and had to apologize for it afterward.  Since then, I've been very mindful of my mood and taking it out on others.  And I don't think I'm internalizing anything.  I'm not burying emotions.  But man am I tired.  Even sitting here writing this, I'm taking several breaks just to breathe and rest.  Is that crazy? 

Maybe I'm literally losing my mind slowly.  Some might say, not so slowly, but who knows?! 

Okay I'm going to clean out another cupboard, make a cup of tea and sit in the sun.  

Life - be gentle with me right now.  Please. 

Therapy - is it working?!

 

I've been seeing Tamari now for over a year.  I don't know the exact date I first saw her (I should ask) but I've covered a lot of ground.  Friend issues, boundaries, issues in our marriage (past and present), and of course the biggest and most shameful one to me - the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.  

I told my two oldest sons about the sexual abuse.  I didn't mention names, or if those people are a part of our lives anymore, but I told them that I was dealing with this abuse.  I wanted to tell them the whole reason I am doing this is for them - I want to break the cycle of generational trauma.  

I just don't know if it's working!  I mean I love Tamari.  I love talking to her.  She's like a friend.  She laughs and frowns and really justifies my feelings.  And she's a therapist so it makes me feel completely validated in what I'm feeling at the time.   She hasn't yet told me I'm wrong (is this bad?  I can't ALWAYS be right) and I just like talking to her.  But can I get the same effect by talking to a friend?  I don't think I have a friend (anymore) that I can tell everything to like I tell Tamari.  So maybe there's that.  Well, that sucks.  I pay $170/week to have a good friend.  

I do feel like I am calmer, generally happier, and seem to be able to react to stress a bit better.  (winces as I remember getting frustrated with our business partner last night...and ultimately I won the argument.  LOL) 

<insert large break here...where I freak out on Blaine because he refuses to listen to me>

Soooo...is it working?!  I certainly didn't seem to be more calm today around Blaine.  I recovered.  But I did storm out of the car, slammed the car door, and stomped angrily into the house.  And Paul calmed me down.  How does he do that?!  

I guess part of me feels like I am taking my mental health into my own hands.  I've struggled with depression for years and for the first time in my life, I feel like I AM the one guiding my mental health, instead of my mental health being something I deal with.  I feel like I am being proactive with my mental health and not reactive.  It's not something I dread that will come out of nowhere and derail my entire life.  

So is it working?  Well I guess I'm not a completely different person, but I am more aware of my boundaries.  I'm aware of putting myself first.  Holding firm to what I believe is best for me, even if it means that upsets other people.  I've been a people pleaser my entire life and it's HARD for me to put myself first.  It's easier to just make everyone else happy.  

So from the outside looking in, maybe you don't see a difference.  But I do.  Slowly.  I'm not a completely new person just yet.  I'm evolving.  

And I guess that's the best any one can hope for.

💜

Boundaries

 

When I looked for an image to relate to boundaries I expected to choose something with a physical barrier to relate to the word.  

Instead, I was surprised to find MANY images relating to the boundaries we hold for ourselves.  And many articles relating to the topic, the majority of which, related to women setting boundaries for themselves.  

It was an interesting find - and a soothing one at that - since I don't feel so alone in needing to reassess my boundaries.  

I'm a people pleaser.  I always have been.  It doesn't work very well as a project manager.  Works MUCH better as a realtor.  😀

The 'problem' is that I'm a people pleaser until I have been pushed too far.  (Usually by my kids!) And then I just BLOW UP.  I've only done this once as a project manager - and turns out it had the exact effect I needed - wasn't looking for it as I wasn't looking to blow up at anyone!  

Professionally, I don't put up with crap.  If I make a bad hire, I will fire the person as quickly as I hired them.  

I'm trying more diligently as of late, to enforce my own personal boundaries.  The thing is, people don't like it.  I guess, especially, from someone who in the past, would get pushed around quite a bit.  

As I think about it more, basically as I type this, I realize that OF COURSE, people aren't going to like it.  They have their own agenda and my boundaries interfere with that.  They need to readjust their thoughts and plans to accommodate my own boundaries.  Part of me expected that Paul, of all people, should just accept my boundaries with open arms and be supportive of the journey I'm going on.  In retrospect, I can see that my delivery could have as much to do with his response, as what I was saying to him.  

I'm tired and frustrated and I just want this LOOONG journey to be over.  In 3 days, I'm going to be 46 years old - and I feel like I have nothing to show for my entire life.  I focus a lot on not having a degree.  It's something I deeply regret.  But I know at the time, I was not emotionally stable enough to complete a degree.  I want to believe that I am smart enough for one.  If I started a degree now, I *could* be done by the time I'm 50.  But what do I WANT a degree in?  I need to make money for our family.  Can I complete a degree and have a full-time job?!  Doubtful.  

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life.  I don't want to waste it.  I guess I have a lot to think about.  

💜

Are you really 18?!

 

I don't know how I am the mother of an 18-year-old boy, er, man.  

I don't feel that old - wait, when I wake up in the morning and my body is all stiff...I feel EXACTLY that old.  Maybe older.  

I don't know where the time went.  Everyone you meet says "Oh savour this time, it goes by so fast" but in those long days and sleepless nights, it just doesn't feel like it will go fast.  It feels like time is standing still.  

But it does go fast.  SO fast.  I just want to hold on to you and make time stop for a little while.  

It's been in my heart to write a journal entry for days now, and this isn't the journal entry I was planning on, but I just can't let the day slip by without writing down how darn proud of you I am.

I know life hasn't always been easy for you.  I know grade 11 was a sh!t year.  But you made it through.  And then you worked hard and knocked grade 12 out of the park!  An Ontario Scholar!!  Your dad and I are so freaking proud of you.  

Life IS going to knock you down.  It just is.  And I hate to break it to you, it's going to do it more than once.  (sorry!)  But it isn't IF life knocks you down (because it will - to everyone whether you see it or not, just know it does) it's how you react to it.  It's EASY to stay down.  To throw in the towel and say you are beaten.  It takes real courage and character to get back up again and give it your all.  And you did that.  And you made it look easy.  

We are proud of your kind heart.  You have ALWAYS been kind.  Your kindergarten teacher had to call us and tell us to have a talk with you because you were offering your winter coat to kids who said they liked it!  

I am selfishly so happy that you decided to do an apprenticeship with Grandpa and Uncle Stephen - because it means you aren't going away to school.  I get to keep you right here close to me.  I see how happy you are - I feel like you have found your true calling.  I know you are also enjoying getting to know your Uncle and Grandpa better.  You are probably the only grandchild who will get this time - so enjoy it.  Take it all in.  Buy Grandpa lunch one day.  Take pictures!  Take video.  They say the first thing you forget is the sound of someone's voice.  Soak it all in.  Honestly, I'm a bit jealous too.  

Know that we love you more than you know.  One day, if you become a dad, you will know the kind of love that having a child is.  It is literally like a piece of your heart walking around outside your body.  We will ALWAYS be there for you.  No matter what.  You can always talk to us.  Call us for a ride.  Bring you a lunch.  Whatever you need - we will be there.  

 

You are the baby that made me a mom.  It's all I ever wanted to be in life.   And you make me so freaking proud.  

I love you Parker.  I hope you have the BEST DAY EVER!

xoxoxoxox

It's SUMMER!!!

 

Today is the last day of school for Kiefer.  He graduated grade 8 last night and looked so darn proud of himself.  

I wanted him to win an award so badly!  The spirit award or something.  Kiefer brings people together.  It seems like the entire grade 8 class looks out for Kiefer.  There isn't anyone I know of who doesn't like him.  

We went for a walk a couple of weeks ago and it was the day after the high school tour.  As we were walking down the street a group of 4-5 high school kids were walking towards us.  They looked like large strong boys and as we approached, I questioned whether or not I should be nervous.  As soon as we were within earshot, a smile grew across the face of one of the boys and he called out, "HI KIEFER!"   I had NO idea who this kid was.  Kiefer said hi back and after we had passed each other, I asked Kiefer, "Who was that?"  

"Oh I don't know - someone I met at high school yesterday!"  Kiefer is love and warmth and acceptance.  There aren't many people Kiefer doesn't accept warmly into his life.  Kiefer is also happiness and who doesn't love to surround themselves with happiness?  

At graduation, my heart was warmed by how many kids called Kiefer over to be a part of their pictures.  Putting their arms around him and welcoming him into their group.  I wasn't sure if Kiefer had found his 'tribe' yet but it seems that many people will be looking out for Kiefer next year when he starts grade 9.  I'm not sure Kiefer has found his true 'tribe' yet, but I do know he's going to be okay.  I want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and not let the world hurt him or change his giving and loving heart.  

Now starts the "how do I keep them busy" routine of summer.  I plan on spending a lot of time up at the trailer...beach days...maybe some sewing in there.  A ton of reading!  

We need to do some summer bingo...we need to make up a schedule - for everyone so we aren't wasting away our summer days!  We are also planning a trip to Florida!  So we will have to schedule that into our mix as well!  

Every summer I'm a bit nervous as I don't know how it's all going to pan out.  We always seem to survive it all - but this summer I'm really striving for making the MOST of it.  Our trip to Florida may be our last full family trip for a while.  I know Parker is continuing to live at home while he apprentices for my brother and Dad, but he will be working and time off might not come as easily.  Or will he WANT to spend time with us?  

I heard on the radio that this summer is going to be very hot!  That makes me SO happy!!  

Okay well, all this talk of summer has me thinking I need to print Bingo sheets, make a schedule, talk to the boys about the schedule, and get moving!  

MY LAST DAY OF FREEDOM!!  

Blah blah blah

 

As soon as I searched for an image under "blah" this one came up and it instantly spoke to me.  I'm feeling very 'blah' these days.  Unmotivated, under the weather, and not happy with life in general.  I feel an insane amount of anxiety these days (constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios in my head) and pressure to keep up with the invisible Joneses.  Jones'?  Jone's?  Whatever, you get the picture.  

I have been working on several different quilts for gifts for the end of the school year.  I am working on one for Kiefer's teacher who has been an absolute GOD SEND as a teacher this year.  She's absolutely amazing!!  I've never done a quilt for a teacher before (mostly because I take SO LONG to complete one) but this lady deserves it.  It's just a little lap quilt - but I love it and I hope she does too.  I have enough of the exact same fabric to make another one - so I just might!  

I'm also working on one for Nyla, Parker's current girlfriend.  I realize that she might not always be his girlfriend - which pains me to think it might eventually get thrown out - but I wanted to do something special for her.  She makes Parker so happy - and she treats him REALLY well.  Man that kid deserves to be happy and I don't think it comes easy to him.  I feel guilty about that too.  

I bought a quilt kit for a hamburger quilt - I really want to finish it but the lady who sold it to me really undersold how difficult it would be.  She said it took her sampler only a weekend to complete it.  It's going to take me 17 years!! It's so complicated!!  I might have to kidnap Kathy and get her to help me with it over a weekend.  

Poor Blaine, suffering from the same motivation trap I am.  He's going to fail math.  I've poked and prodded him along all semester but if that boy doesn't want to do something, he will NOT do it.  And I'm done with fighting.  It's been fighting all his life!  I'm exhausted and too tired to keep fighting.  I know that makes me a bad parent but I just can't anymore.  I feel like I do most of it alone.  And Paul just FREAKS out.  

I feel VERY scattered lately.  Like ADHD on overdrive.  During this journal entry I've stopped countless times to do other things.  Call the cake lady.  Respond to text messages.  Google search "omnipresent".  WHAT THE HELL FOR?!  

Anyways, this was a checklist item today - again no motivation to really do anything.  

So ...DONE! 

Psycho Bunny

 WHAT THE FUCK WITH TEENAGERS?!

Paul and I are in Mexico on vacation.  We have been here a week and return home on June 14th.  (It's the 10th right now)  We were shopping and saw this brand called "Psycho Bunny" and I should have known this was a foreshadowing!  UGH.  

Blaine decided he needed a pet and without consulting us bought himself a bunny.  No cage, no food, no preparation what so ever.  He's already emotionally attached to this bunny.  I texted him and said NO bunny in the house and he's ready to kill himself (his words) unless the bunny can come home.  

This is ridiculous.  He is running the house at this point.  He is doing whatever the fuck he wants with no punishments and no regard for anyone else but himself.  I know we have to provide a home for him until he is 18 but he's only 16 and I don't think I'm going to make it!!!!  How am I going to survive another two years of this bullshit?!?!?!?!  

I want to cancel everything right now.  No internet, no phone.  We just bought him an $800 computer because he said his game was how he coped.  Now it's the bunny (having a pet) how he needs to cope.  It's always something.  I am so fucking done with Blaine!!!!!!  I want to kick him out.  He keeps trying to bait me into saying he's not welcome home.  He says he is going where the bunny goes.  So that's HIS choice but he is trying to put it all on me.  

Why the fuck does he always have to ruin anything good in our lives.  This was our vacation to relax and recharge and unwind.  I'm now so wound up it's going to take days to unwind.  And guess what?!  I won't.  I won't unwind until I get home and deal with this whole bunny bullshit.  

And then it's going to be an epic fight.  An epic battle that will ultimately end up with Blaine back at home because honestly, where else does he have to go?  He has no friends.  He has no where to go.  Fucking telling me all about his mental health yet he won't take his meds, he won't talk to a therapist with any REAL emotions.  It's all about "my parents won't give me a phone, my parents won't do this or that"

I'm SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT!!!!  I bust my fucking ass for that kid and all he does is take and take and take.  I'm FUCKING DONE.  His room is getting cleaned out and he isn't going to like it one fucking bit.  DUMPED INTO BINS for him to sort out.  Closets cleaned out.  Drawers cleaned out.  I'm beyond done.  BEYOND DONE.  

This kid is going to get a BIG wake up call.  HUGE and he isn't going to like it one bit.  

My Messy Mind

There were so many good images for this one, I had difficulty narrowing it down to just three.  It feels like my mind is racing all the time.  I literally flop into bed at night exhausted and happy just to give my mind a rest.  I fall asleep making mental lists in my mind of what I need to do, what I need to bring up to the trailer, the groceries we need, what real estate work needs to be done, what chores around the house are behind, what friends I need to reach out to, did I drink enough water today?  I never drink enough water.  Am I showing Paul enough affection, do the kids need me more, should I be saving more money for a rainy day, how am I ever going to get more clients and grow my business.  

And this isn't just at bedtime.  (A fly just flew in front of my face and I thought "I need to buy fly strips again") It's ALL.  DAY.  LONG.  And it's exhausting.  I wish I could just focus on ONE task at a time and not have my mind going crazy all day long.  I start a job and then get distracted along the way by something else that needs doing, and start doing that, and then while I'm doing that, get distracted by something else that needs doing and the cycle continues until I happen upon my original task and scold myself for being so disorganized.  

My new planner has been good at helping me stay organized but even while doing this post, I've been distracted several times!  I checked on the sprinkler system to see which station is what, I've opened another tab and checked my email, I've gone to my social media manager and approved posts for June, and looked at my planner (thinking my planner has helped so much) and realized I do not have enough time in the day to finish all that I have scheduled for today.  And I just added a dentist appointment for Kiefer at 5:00 pm.  O.  M.  G.  What is wrong with me?!  How do I quiet the mind?!  (I really need to buy an electric fly swatter)  

(Check email, reschedule therapy appointment for when we are away, run outside and check on station #3 get wet, come back inside back to this post)

See what I ...(look at birds in my bird feeder on the window)...mean?! 

Think about fly swatter again as fly buzzes in the window, check Facebook, wonder if the stove is cool enough to clean the kitchen, wonder if I should go up to the trailer and check on the fridge in the shed, make the bed.  NO!!  I have NO TIME!  Remember THAT Krista?!  

While lying in bed the other day, I actually thought of an awesome journal entry that I remember wanting to explore.  Thinking that there was a lot up in my head I wanted to get out about the subject...except now it's flooded with other thoughts and mess.  

I have been sick this past week so nothing got done at all really.  I did manage to prep some freezer meals and we will be enjoying the first one tonight!  Honey sesame chicken!  We will see how it goes.  (Damn fly) 

Okay that's enough of my messy mind for today.  I have to get to laundry, clean the kitchen, do some real estate work, go for a walk, DRINK WATER, (haven't had a sip yet) and generally keep the house going.  How anyone does all of this with a 9-5 job I have NO idea. 

Cheers,

~K

 

Go with your gut...ALWAYS

 

And I know this.  I KNOW this.  It's been proven to me time and time again.  Yet, I want to trust and believe in people so I do.  

Blaine wants a gaming laptop.  We didn't know he wanted a gaming laptop so I found one on Facebook Marketplace and bought it.  It's a great laptop.  But it's not a gaming laptop.  So needless to say, it doesn't work for what he wants.  

So back to Marketplace to find a gaming laptop.  I found one that seemed too good to be true.  *first gut feel.  It was a $900 laptop that was selling for $400.  The owner said that her son locked it and he couldn't remember the password so it needed to be factory reset.  *second gut feel.  If it's locked you can't verify it's really what she says it is.  I met with her and asked her point blank if this really is what she says it is.  I said I have already been scammed and I can't afford to be scammed again.  She looked me in the face and promised me it was exactly what she said it was.  She even told me I could go down the street and get it fixed for FREE.  I asked her if that was the case, why didn't she do it?  Oh I don't drive she said.  It's within walking distance I replied.  No answer.  *THIRD gut feel.  Never mind the gut feel when I met her - and I hate to be stereotypical here - but she lived in Ontario housing and looked ROUGH.  She didn't look like she had two farts to rub to her name - but she also didn't seem that intelligent either so maybe she really didn't know about this computer.  

Anyways, bought the damn thing, and brought it to the store to get fixed.  It was not free (I didn't think it would be) and it was fixed within an hour.  IT WAS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT SHE SAID IT WAS.  It didn't even connect to the internet!!  I contacted her immediately and asked her to call me.  She called me (surprised she did this - knowing she scammed me) and I asked for my money back.  She refused saying it's exactly what she said it was, an HP Pavillion Laptop.  Obviously, when someone is buying a laptop they want the specs.  Not just the name brand!  

I asked her when she was going to be home and she said she was at the hospital having a procedure done.  I told her I wasn't happy and wanted my money back.  She said, "the laptop is exactly what the ad says!  It's an HP Pavillion. Sold as is.  Take care" 

I was BEYOND PISSED. 😡 She scammed me.  Even after I told her it was for my son and I had already been scammed!!  I told Blaine I was going to her house and going to demand my money back.  She lived in an Ontario housing apartment and I was prepared to knock on every door until I found her!  I knocked on one door and asked if they knew where my friend Amanda Lynn lived and she did!  One door down!  Knocked on that door and guess what?!  She answered!!  (Even though she doesn't drive and was at the hospital only 15 minutes earlier having an ultrasound!)

I told her I wanted my money back.  She yelled at me and said, "You'll have to wait!" I told her I wasn't leaving until she gave me my money back.  She screamed and yelled at me to get out of her unit.  I told her I wasn't going ANYWHERE until she gave me my money back.  She said I'm calling the police.  And I said, "Good!!!  Get them here so we can't sort this out!"  So she left her unit, at which point the building manager came by and told me I had to leave the building.  I told her nicely that I wasn't going anywhere and I would wait for the police to sort the whole matter out.  I had one foot in her unit and I stepped out into the hallway.  

I was shaking in my boots.  I wasn't completely certain that I wasn't going to get arrested.  The police did come and took her story and then they came inside and took mine.  They went back and forth a couple of times and then said they were going to try and do an exchange.  I was doubtful but VERY hopeful that I was going to get my money back.  I pleaded with the police that I needed the money as my son needed a computer and needed to do his exams at the end of his semester and he wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't get my money back.  I even started to cry - waterworks always help.  I was feeling very trapped and frustrated so it didn't take much for them to come on.  

The police asked us to return to our car and took the laptop, and would do the exchange.  Blaine and I went out to our van and as we sat we saw one officer trade money for the laptop with the other.  I was ELATED!!! 

What an ordeal to go through!!!  I just can't comprehend why and how someone scams another human being out of their hard-earned money.  Like I said before, she looked very poor and uneducated but to lie again and again to scam someone out of their money.  To lie to their face.  To scream at them that they are in the right when they KNOW they are in the wrong! 

What in the actual fuck is wrong with the world today?!  

I am beyond relieved that I got the money back.  We can ill afford to be scammed out of $400 right now.  I know it's not a lot but it is for us right now.  

Moral of the story: GO WITH YOUR GUT ALWAYS.  

Oh, and don't cross me because I'm a bad bitch that doesn't let that shit happen!