Boundaries

 

When I looked for an image to relate to boundaries I expected to choose something with a physical barrier to relate to the word.  

Instead, I was surprised to find MANY images relating to the boundaries we hold for ourselves.  And many articles relating to the topic, the majority of which, related to women setting boundaries for themselves.  

It was an interesting find - and a soothing one at that - since I don't feel so alone in needing to reassess my boundaries.  

I'm a people pleaser.  I always have been.  It doesn't work very well as a project manager.  Works MUCH better as a realtor.  😀

The 'problem' is that I'm a people pleaser until I have been pushed too far.  (Usually by my kids!) And then I just BLOW UP.  I've only done this once as a project manager - and turns out it had the exact effect I needed - wasn't looking for it as I wasn't looking to blow up at anyone!  

Professionally, I don't put up with crap.  If I make a bad hire, I will fire the person as quickly as I hired them.  

I'm trying more diligently as of late, to enforce my own personal boundaries.  The thing is, people don't like it.  I guess, especially, from someone who in the past, would get pushed around quite a bit.  

As I think about it more, basically as I type this, I realize that OF COURSE, people aren't going to like it.  They have their own agenda and my boundaries interfere with that.  They need to readjust their thoughts and plans to accommodate my own boundaries.  Part of me expected that Paul, of all people, should just accept my boundaries with open arms and be supportive of the journey I'm going on.  In retrospect, I can see that my delivery could have as much to do with his response, as what I was saying to him.  

I'm tired and frustrated and I just want this LOOONG journey to be over.  In 3 days, I'm going to be 46 years old - and I feel like I have nothing to show for my entire life.  I focus a lot on not having a degree.  It's something I deeply regret.  But I know at the time, I was not emotionally stable enough to complete a degree.  I want to believe that I am smart enough for one.  If I started a degree now, I *could* be done by the time I'm 50.  But what do I WANT a degree in?  I need to make money for our family.  Can I complete a degree and have a full-time job?!  Doubtful.  

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life.  I don't want to waste it.  I guess I have a lot to think about.  

💜

Are you really 18?!

 

I don't know how I am the mother of an 18-year-old boy, er, man.  

I don't feel that old - wait, when I wake up in the morning and my body is all stiff...I feel EXACTLY that old.  Maybe older.  

I don't know where the time went.  Everyone you meet says "Oh savour this time, it goes by so fast" but in those long days and sleepless nights, it just doesn't feel like it will go fast.  It feels like time is standing still.  

But it does go fast.  SO fast.  I just want to hold on to you and make time stop for a little while.  

It's been in my heart to write a journal entry for days now, and this isn't the journal entry I was planning on, but I just can't let the day slip by without writing down how darn proud of you I am.

I know life hasn't always been easy for you.  I know grade 11 was a sh!t year.  But you made it through.  And then you worked hard and knocked grade 12 out of the park!  An Ontario Scholar!!  Your dad and I are so freaking proud of you.  

Life IS going to knock you down.  It just is.  And I hate to break it to you, it's going to do it more than once.  (sorry!)  But it isn't IF life knocks you down (because it will - to everyone whether you see it or not, just know it does) it's how you react to it.  It's EASY to stay down.  To throw in the towel and say you are beaten.  It takes real courage and character to get back up again and give it your all.  And you did that.  And you made it look easy.  

We are proud of your kind heart.  You have ALWAYS been kind.  Your kindergarten teacher had to call us and tell us to have a talk with you because you were offering your winter coat to kids who said they liked it!  

I am selfishly so happy that you decided to do an apprenticeship with Grandpa and Uncle Stephen - because it means you aren't going away to school.  I get to keep you right here close to me.  I see how happy you are - I feel like you have found your true calling.  I know you are also enjoying getting to know your Uncle and Grandpa better.  You are probably the only grandchild who will get this time - so enjoy it.  Take it all in.  Buy Grandpa lunch one day.  Take pictures!  Take video.  They say the first thing you forget is the sound of someone's voice.  Soak it all in.  Honestly, I'm a bit jealous too.  

Know that we love you more than you know.  One day, if you become a dad, you will know the kind of love that having a child is.  It is literally like a piece of your heart walking around outside your body.  We will ALWAYS be there for you.  No matter what.  You can always talk to us.  Call us for a ride.  Bring you a lunch.  Whatever you need - we will be there.  

 

You are the baby that made me a mom.  It's all I ever wanted to be in life.   And you make me so freaking proud.  

I love you Parker.  I hope you have the BEST DAY EVER!

xoxoxoxox