I NEED to heal

 

This healing shit is not for the faint of heart.  

I had another session last week on Thursday (January 25th) and it was hard.  Lots of crying in that one.  And while I want to believe the deep feeling and the crying mean something (like healing or moving forward) I don't FEEL any different.  

Not like I think I'm going to leave therapy with a 'dance through the streets in a flashmob' sort of feeling - but it would be nice!  

I just find it incredibly difficult to continue to do something and see very little progress - or extremely slow progress.  It's why I've never been good at sticking to a diet or workout routine.  I can't seem to get past the slow going.  

But my head knows that consistency is the key to success in everything.  At least that is what the internet and most books would have me believe.  There is no magic pill.  No wonder campaign that is going to solve all your problems with one monthly fee or one morning pill.  If someone could come up with that, they would be RICH!  

How do I heal with the strife in this house!  Blaine doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.  I can't even write a FUCKING JOURNAL entry without a fight breaking out between Paul and Blaine and me having to leave the room and intervene.  

I feel like I can't anymore.  I can't do this life.  

I can't constantly struggle with my own mental health.  I can't juggle the mental health of my kids while they fight me the whole way.  I can't manage my kids education while they fight me the whole way.  I can't manage my husband, who, sometimes, acts like a child himself!  I just want to scream at everyone to grow the fuck up and manage their own selves so I can manage me!!!!  

Managing ME seems like a full fucking time job.  And then I have Paul sending me fucking job postings like I'm supposed to jump all over them when I can barely manage the business we have, my real estate business and the children we have.  Never mind the house, the chores, the cleaning, the cooking, the making the appointments, taking the kids to said appointments, following up, etc etc etc.

I want to get off this merry go round of fucking life.  I want a break.  And not just from life, from my own fucking head.  

What is the point?

 Am I having an existential crisis?  I am really starting to wonder 'What's it all for?'

We work our entire lives waiting for the next 'better' step.  Children wanting to be adults.  Adults wanting to be married.  Wanting for a better bigger job.  Wanting for children.  Wanting for a bigger better house.  Wanting for the children to get through 'this stage'.  Then the next.  And the next.  And wanting them to grow up and move out.  Wanting them to move back in.  Wanting for them to appreciate.  Wanting to retire.  Wanting to travel.  Wanting.  WANTING.  WANTING & WAITING.

Is that what life is about?  

I love the poem written above about the dash.  How you live your dash.  If I died today, what would people say about my dash?

I hope people would say I'm a helper.  I hope they would say I'm happy and a lover of life.  Which inside makes me laugh since I didn't always love life.  And I guess I don't always love life.  I get angry about the struggle.  About the past traumas I have suffered.  

How do I fill the funeral home with people who adore me when I die?  How do I positively affect the lives of others?  How do you heal yourself and at the same time not make it all about you?

Help the elderly.  Help the homeless.  Help the less fortunate.  Spread love.  

I try to be a good person.  I give to the homeless asking for change on the street.  I pay for the person's order behind me.  I give away items I think would help others.  But how can I do more?  How can I be even better?   And heal me?  Can I focus on myself and help others?  

Is there a way to heal and help at the same time?  Perhaps that's where my passion lies?  Perhaps that's where my true calling is.  

Now WHAT is it?  

I'm honing in on something here.  I can feel it.  Stay tuned.  

Sleep

 

I feel like every day I am tired.  We've been struggling with Parker and getting him on a good sleep schedule.  He's falling asleep sitting up during the day when on lunch at work.  

I started doing a little bit of research on how important sleep is, and to my surprise, it can actually affect your brain health later on in life!  Did you know that those who consistently get too little sleep are at higher risk for Alzheimer's?!  Cuz I sure didn't!  I mean, don't get me wrong, I always knew sleep is an important part of one's health. I know for me, I struggle with my mental health more if my sleep is interrupted and I know I get sick more often if I'm run down or not getting enough rest.  

But Wow!  Just one look at the chart above tells me just how important sleep really is!  

Therapy

 

Not sure how much this visual will resonate with what I write, but I liked it - and it is a good visual for me.  I might print it off, laminate it, and put it up in my office.  And give the boys a copy too.  

I have therapy this morning and I want to address my rising anger.  I keep thinking that this anger and these emotions need to be dealt with by confronting my abusers - but I always ask myself "to what end?" 

What am I hoping to accomplish by expressing my anger to my abusers?  I guess I want them to know I'm still dealing with what they did.  I'm still GREATLY affected by and my life has been directed by what they did to me.  My inability to concentrate in school, the partner I chose, the way I raise my children, my paralyzing fear to succeed, my inability to be sexual and not think about the abuse.  It affects me to the core of my being and if they think that I'm walking around just fine - they have another thing coming.  

But what will that do?  What will it change?  How will it affect them?  Should I care?  What if I regret expressing my anger?  Once a word is said you cannot take it back.  

So I think that's what I'm talking about today in therapy.

~K

Habits

 

Yup I had to use two pictures today because they both spoke to me.  

It's been a little while since I've done a journal entry.  Some days I think, what have I got to talk about and I struggle to pull together enough worth hitting 'save'.  But then other days I can't wait to get to the keyboard to mind dump all that is swimming around in this noggin' of mine.  

The one thing that I noticed, when I got out of doing my daily rituals, my mood changed - DRASTICALLY.  Now I wouldn't have said before this hiatus that my daily rituals were habits yet.  They are something I need to remind myself to do.  Although meditating before bed has become a habit for sure.  I almost cannot fall asleep now without that daily ritual.  Thank you Headspace!  

But for my journalling, for instance, I wouldn't have thought it would make much of a difference.  And at one point last year, I did think, "What's the point of all this brain dumping??  No one reads it - Oh gawd I HOPE no one reads it - and I don't know if it's helping me at all.  

But after a busy December, a quiet but busy with family Christmas and New Years, I found myself yearning to get back to the keyboard and get back to dumping out on the screen all that's floating around in my head.  Even if it's just dust bunnies. 

WebMD says "Journaling about your feelings is linked to decreased mental distress. In a study, researchers found that those with various medical conditions and anxiety who wrote online for 15 minutes three days a week over a 12-week period had increased feelings of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms after one month."

It was interesting to me that it made a difference so drastically in my mood.  I'm certain there were other factors, like the stress of the holidays, and wanting it all to be so perfect for my boys, but the fact that I longed to get back to the keyboard was the interesting part.  It was like, inherently, I knew that the process of getting all my thoughts, worries, anxieties, fears, and excitements out on the page was helpful!  

Brain science is so cool!!  

Now how do I get my oldest son to do the same??  

I'm sad to report that Parker has been struggling with mental health.  Right around the same time that I had a major depressive episode and tried to commit suicide.  I didn't really want to die.  I mean I would have tried again if I did.  I just wanted the pain and darkness to end.  And it breaks my heart to think that he is feeling the same way.  Life isn't perfect.  Its hard and messy and painful.  But it's also beautiful and exciting and rewarding.  I want for him to experience all of those things.  

I need to help him build the healthy habits that I have come to rely on to keep me out of the darkness.  And I don't want him to wait until he's 46 to figure it out.  He has a beautiful wonderful life to live - and I want him to feel that way.  That it's beautiful and wonderful and he's lucky to be alive.  

Okay off to do some more research about how to keep him upbeat and happy.  

~K

💜

Happy New Year!

 

Well, it is 2024.  And what have I done with my life?

I guess that's how I'm feeling lately.  

<stares blankly at blinking cursor on screen>

I'm not sure why I'm here.  Like not on earth, but here as in journalling.  I know it helps to get your thoughts out of your head and onto "paper" but today, of all days, why am I here?  

So I turned to the cards to tell me.  

Wow.  This was a powerful card for me to pull and read today.  Mr. Rogers, you always knew what you were talking about.  

Paul has his surgery next week and secretly I'm super nervous about it.  I know Paul is too, so I don't want to let on that I'm nervous.  I just want everything to go smoothly.  I want him to have his mobility and an easy recovery.  I mean if his Dad can do it, I'm sure he can.  

We need to lose weight in 2024.  I'm so tired of being overweight and continually gaining weight!  My pants don't fit.  I do not want to move up to a size 22.  I swore I'd never be a 20 and here we are.  UGH.  Why can't my body cooperate with me?!  

Okay just cleaned my desk off a bit as everything was driving me nuts!!  Mostly the dust was driving me nuts!  I feel like I have so much to do today but have no idea where to start!  

I joined a 5 day clutter challenge and I'm already behind two days.  How does THAT happen?!  I'll catch up today.  I also have a call booked with someone to discuss our budget.  It's a mess.  So I'm not certain how that call is going to go.  

UGH.  There's just too much on my plate.  AND I'm supposed to work at a job full time through all of this?  I just don't know how people do it and stay sane.  

Okay now I have to write an email to Paul and tell him what's up with me.  

BYE!