Three years ago my husband and I decided to sell our dream home. There were a multitude of reasons why we walked away from the home we designed ourselves, but most of which was I wanted to have another baby. I was not ready to return to the workplace full time and give up consulting. I still wanted the job of "Mom".
We sold our house and decided to move to Vaughan - closer to Paul's work, and maybe a nice 'halfway' point between different families. Then, to our shock, AFTER moving out and into our new place, our old house didn't close. The buyers walked away leaving us holding the bag for BOTH homes. We were now living in a home half the size, no land and our dream home sat empty. A shell of what it once used to be. I would often go 'check up' on the house and weep as I walked from room to room wondering WHY this was happening to us. Why was my DREAM home sitting cold and empty??
It was difficult. I did cry. I TOTALLY felt sorry for myself. But for the most part I got through. And I can't count how many times people would say to me, "how are you handling this so well? How are you not freaking out or melting down like ALL THE TIME?"
Well, 1. I did freak out. 2. I did melt down. No, not all the time. My typical response, and I believed it to the core of my being, was, "I'm not spending my nights at Sick Kids. I'm not hunched over one of my children bartering with an all powerful being that if he just takes 'everything else away from me just give me my child'. And I'm sure there is that person in Sick Kids right now. What good is a dream home if I don't have my children to fill it up with?
I do have my boys. And thankfully, they are all relatively healthy. But today I did start to feel that "Sick Kids" stress. I had to spend the entire day traveling to, waiting in, and travelling back from Sick Kids only to be armed with not many more answers than I had at the beginning of the day.
It's not a serious condition. I won't be 'hunched over' anytime soon. But I'm starting to feel that "more than I can bare" feeling in my gut.
As my midwife said to me minutes before Kiefer was born, "It's time to find the strength Krista. Dig WAY DEEP down and find the strength and you (can do this)."
Let the digging begin.....
A prayer or two might not hurt either.
~k
