A GREAT day - and then beaten down

 Yesterday I had a great day!  

I decided I wasn't going to participate in the toxic shit that was going on in my life.  NONE OF IT.  Not the sassy teenager who knows much better than I do, not the aggressive client who once claimed to be my friend, NONE.  OF.  IT.  

I started the day heading up to Midland to visit an old friend/client.  She runs a home daycare and has an 18-month-old herself. WOW!!  You cannot be grumpy around these kids.  She has 5 kids all under the age of 4!  (yes she's my hero!).  They held my hand, they poured water on me, they told me little secrets, and they were sad when I had to leave.  How can you NOT be cheery with that kind of an audience?  And probably more than that, I got to play.  I got to sit down on the ground, bare feet in the dirt (wow were my feet dirty after), and PLAY!  We made a pizzeria with lava, we made a house with two rooms - one room for interrogation for the prisoners!  (I swear that was not me but the 4-year-old boy!)  We had tickle fights, we read a story, the kids ate a healthy lunch and we had some quiet time.  I think every adult needs to spend time with toddlers when they are down because it is seriously the best therapy! 

While I was on my beautiful drive to Midland, a fellow agent called me to tell me she had heard about my awful experience with a client.  She told me I was an amazing agent and we couldn't control the behavior of crazy people.  She propped me up, she filled me with her joy and she supported me.  Wow, I felt so special.  Then she told me that I had made HER feel special by welcoming her to our brokerage.  (well duh of course!!)  She's an amazing person, why wouldn't I?!  

Then as I'm playing with these amazing little souls, I get another text from another realtor that she has left me a little present!  When I got home do you know what she left me?!  A FUCKING TIARA!!! Well, and some wine and flowers too...but DUDE!!!  A FUCKING TIARA!!!!  So you know what I did?!  I wore that mother fucking tiara while I vacuumed! hahahahahaha

And then yet another agent reached out to me and wrote me a nice long note telling me I had done everything I could for this client and you just can't win them all!  She was also super supportive and pumped me up!  

Wow!!!  I felt like a million bucks!!!  I was literally on cloud nine wondering how I could ever have felt down.  

Well, the universe will give and the universe will TAKE AWAY.  Enter a late-night text from the nightmare client and I'm spiraling again.  Exaggerations and downright lies - and more venom spewed at me.  

I was up until 5 am crying and wondering what I did wrong!  Why was the universe punishing me like this??  Well, NO MORE.  

DELETE AND BLOCK.  

A 'friend' who I've known since grade 9.  A friendship that had us calling each other sisters.  Our children call each other siblings.  She lay in bed with my husband!  Chatting and carrying on just like family.  

There is NO FAMILY that would EVER treat anyone like that.   EVER.  I have never treated another HUMAN the way she has treated me - and my boss!  Who has done NOTHING to her.  

She has new friends (that I introduced to her!) and she doesn't need me anymore.  

I should have known before this whole 'listing' started her biggest concern is she didn't want to lose a friend over this.  I was like, "that's crazy! Why would we stop being friends?!"  

CLEARLY, she knew something more about her personality than I did.  

I'm told Karma catches up with people.  

I'm not so sure...

I give up - YOU win

I'm sitting on our couch fully reclined.  One leg dangles over the reclined foot rest and gently swings back and forth.  My other leg is bent up close to my body and I feel myself slipping.  Not from the couch - but I feel like from reality.  The reality I 'thought' my life was going to be like.  

I guess that's not entirely true.  If I talked to my 18-year-old self, she would probably say, "you're still alive?!"  I never thought I would make it this far.  I wanted to die so badly when I was a teenager. From about when I was 14 to 22 I was in and out of depression more than I can count.  I tried to end my own life at one point - dumb ass me tried to hang myself from a shower curtain...the damn thing broke free from the wall almost instantly.  So that makes you feel REAL good when you can't even kill yourself right.  

I used to thank God for not being successful.  I had my boys.  My beautiful, innocent, blissfully happy boys that brought me so much joy.  They are literally what kept me alive.  Kind of ironic now since I feel like they are what is going to kill me.  

Lately, I just feel like an emotional dumpster.  "Got emotional baggage?!  Don't carry that shit around anymore!  Krista can handle it!!  Dump it all on her!"

I've been told it's all my fault.  That I'm not THERE enough for my family.  I turned down my DREAM JOB.  A job I had worked at getting for over six months.  I took courses, I made contacts, and I put myself in ALL the uncomfortable positions I did not want to do!  And then there it was.  AGILE COACH!  The holy grail of what I was looking for.  I had just finished a position at Georgian College essentially doing that job (under a different job title of course) and I won awards for it!!  Two awards - one given by the students (our stakeholders) and the next from the Board of Governors!! One of the most esteemed awards one can get at the college!  

And there it was.  AGILE COACH.  For a BIG company too.  CGI.  I had gotten all I wanted.  But turn around and three young boys are standing there staring at me.  With no real reliable child care in place.  We had gone through countless (literally I can't even count) nannies and none seemed to stay.  How could I take a job over 95 km away with the confidence that my children were well taken care of? 

The answer is I couldn't.  So I turned down my dream job and took a job as a project manager.  PROJECT MANAGER.  Owner of Gant charts and time estimates that were never accurate and dealing with scope documents and project charters.  BARF.  The bain of my existence - AGILE had transformed me.  It made me a better leader.  It made my people better developers.  It made my teams perform better, it made us feel like a family. It gave us all a purpose we could get behind.  I felt like I was taking a HUGE step backward.  But I could NOT put my career ahead of my family.  

A man would.  For sure he would.  Because the WIFE would pick up the slack.  But that's another blog post.  

The PM roll nearly killed me.  I swore it was giving me cancer every day I had to go in.  And then my heart gave out.  Almost, literally.  I was diagnosed with a heart defect and it was exacerbated by stress.  And my job was NOTHING but stress.  The job was local. It was 9-5.  I didn't need to rely on a nanny but it was still killing me. 

So I quit.  With nothing to go to, and no safety net other than unemployment (and we all know how lucrative THAT is) I quit my job immediately.    

I was one course into a real estate certification and I had three months to complete 4 more courses.  Piece of cake.  Excpet it wasn't.  It was the summer from hell.  I missed family get together.  I missed cottages and getaways.  I passed my last exam with LITERALLY no wiggle room.  75% is a pass.  I scored 75%!  With only two days left until my preregistration period ran out.  What does that mean you say?  It means if I failed that course, I would have to start from square one ALL.  OVER.  AGAIN.  

I've had a pretty successful real estate career.  I won an award my first year.  Then COVID.  And then won the next level up for my third year.  Fourth year won't be as stellar again since the market is in a HUGE downswing.  

I've had some bad clients.  For one client I reduced my commission to next to nothing (half a percent!) and got them $15,000 more than they were previously hoping for.  Sold their house quickly - with little to no disruption to their lives.  Then they changed their mind about selling.  Said "get us out of the deal," I said I can't.  You signed a contract.  They threatened to take me to court.  They said I was only in it for the money!  I didn't MAKE any money!  

And it has happened again.  Only this time, it's a 'friend'.  A best friend.  Someone who I thought would be in my life till the end.  We'd end up living together like the Golden Girls - our kids visiting these crazy old ladies in the home.  Again, I reduced my commission.  But I worked.  I worked HARD.  I emailed every single agent I have ever worked with or even talked to.  I sent a link to the home and asked them to help me sell it - that I had motivated sellers and it needed to sell.  I prepared the home.  I helped clean, sand fences and banisters, painted, purchased pictures, bedspreads, lawn furniture, and plants.  I paid for a bin so they could declutter.  I paid for an electrician so they could bring their house up to code!  I hosted an open house every weekend we were listed.  I purchased more signs to make sure we were well advertised.  I listed on every buy and sell group in the area.  

And I was degraded.  I was cussed out.  I was told I'm not working hard enough and I don't know how to do my job.  Then when my broker of record got involved, SHE was told the same.  26 years she has been in real estate and she was cussed out and told she has no idea what she's talking about.  She runs FOUR brokerages!!  Over 100 agents!  But suuuuure, she doesn't know what she's talking about. 

Never mind the house is in need of MUCH work.  Floors are swelling up from too much water and being old.  Big dings and marks all over the walls.  Old paint.  No floors and missing drywall in the basement.  Old and poorly lit basement rooms.  Doors missing!  Floors missing!  And it's dirty.  Dirt and grit in between your toes as you walk through the home.  And in disrepair. And the lawn is full of weeds.  And the unilock is uneven and needs to be ripped up.  And the front deck is literally rotting away.  AND they are asking $100K more than it's worth.  I hosted an agent open house and 15+ agents went through the house and EVERY SINGLE AGENT said "reduce the price or do the work" and my "clients" will do neither.  

But don't forget - it's my fault. And my broker of record's fault.  Do you know, I even offered to purchase the house if it didn't sell for MORE than it's worth?!  HOW STUPID AM I?!  Needless to say that offer is NO LONGER on the table.  Ya I went over there and ripped all the flowers out of the flower bed.  "We don't need flowers.  I'm not paying for them"  So, if you didn't pay for them - and you fired me - they are mine aren't they?!

feeling defeated before I even start...

 Nope, I haven't written in a long while.  Why is that?  Well the overwhelming feeling I have been having lately, is that I am defeated before I even start.  We are coming up on the two year mark of this COVID crisis, the Ukraine has just been attacked by Russia, Blaine is home from RLA (well we sent him and brought him back since the last journal entry) and I'm just feeling like, "What is it all really for???"

That's not to say I don't have any success in my life.  I do.  I have been with Paul for over 20 years now!  We will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in two years!  We would like to renew our vows and have a big party!  

But the day-to-day grind, the fighting with teenagers, the minor disagreements at home, the pet hair - for the love of all that is good and holy the never-ending pet hair!!  It just seems all so insurmountable.  So why even try?

Not to mention, I am 100 pounds heavier than when I met Paul.  ONE HUNDRED!  That is a small person.  I am carrying around an extra small person every day.  So naturally, I'm tired.  I could pass out each night at 9 pm, if Paul let me.  But that's when we get Kiefer to bed and can finally spend some time just the two of us.  (We've given up entirely on having time alone after the teens are asleep).  Everything just seems so daunting lately.  Cleaning the office so the painters can get in here and paint.  OMG.  Ya right.  

THIS is what my office currently looks like.  It's beyond a mess.  It's a dumping ground.  Like I'd be better off burning the house down first!  Where does one even START?!

I have taxes to do.  I have a marketing plan to do.  I have a meal plan to do.   I have a LIFE plan to do.  I need a freaking plan for my plan!  So I start to retreat.  I hide away or make myself 'busy' so I don't have to deal with all the things piling up.  I only react.  I only react to those things that need tending to immediately.  Make meals for my kids.  Make sure the house isn't completely falling apart.  When the mold or 'dirt' in the toilet starts to really look bad, I clean the bathroom.  When I have no more underwear left, I throw in a load of laundry.  When there are no more eggs left, I grocery shop.  There is no plan, there is no forethought, there is only reacting.  Putting out fires constantly.  And therefore, feeling constantly overwhelmed.  

I KNOW the right things to do.  I know the right and wrong things to eat.  I know I need to move more.  I know I need to post to social media about my business.  I know I need to send postcards out. I know I need to have a schedule to tackle all of these things in a manner that won't drive me crazy.  But I don't do it.  

WHY?!?!

I feel as if there isn't a simple answer to this question.  I feel like there is something more psychological at work here.  It's not a "just put your mind to it" sort of thing.  It's not a "take this drug to focus better".  So I think I'll google it.  <goes and googles it...reads an article>

Right.  So try harder is the bottom line.  Not helpful.  I want some deep meaningful "do this and you'll be fixed" magic.  I guess that's like a magic pill, right?  We're all looking for the magic pill that will cure us of what ails us?  

Well I guess for now, it's continue trying to be better than yesterday.  Motivate yourself.  

But man am I tired...