Nope, I haven't written in a long while. Why is that? Well the overwhelming feeling I have been having lately, is that I am defeated before I even start. We are coming up on the two year mark of this COVID crisis, the Ukraine has just been attacked by Russia, Blaine is home from RLA (well we sent him and brought him back since the last journal entry) and I'm just feeling like, "What is it all really for???"
That's not to say I don't have any success in my life. I do. I have been with Paul for over 20 years now! We will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in two years! We would like to renew our vows and have a big party!
But the day-to-day grind, the fighting with teenagers, the minor disagreements at home, the pet hair - for the love of all that is good and holy the never-ending pet hair!! It just seems all so insurmountable. So why even try?
Not to mention, I am 100 pounds heavier than when I met Paul. ONE HUNDRED! That is a small person. I am carrying around an extra small person every day. So naturally, I'm tired. I could pass out each night at 9 pm, if Paul let me. But that's when we get Kiefer to bed and can finally spend some time just the two of us. (We've given up entirely on having time alone after the teens are asleep). Everything just seems so daunting lately. Cleaning the office so the painters can get in here and paint. OMG. Ya right.
THIS is what my office currently looks like. It's beyond a mess. It's a dumping ground. Like I'd be better off burning the house down first! Where does one even START?!
I have taxes to do. I have a marketing plan to do. I have a meal plan to do. I have a LIFE plan to do. I need a freaking plan for my plan! So I start to retreat. I hide away or make myself 'busy' so I don't have to deal with all the things piling up. I only react. I only react to those things that need tending to immediately. Make meals for my kids. Make sure the house isn't completely falling apart. When the mold or 'dirt' in the toilet starts to really look bad, I clean the bathroom. When I have no more underwear left, I throw in a load of laundry. When there are no more eggs left, I grocery shop. There is no plan, there is no forethought, there is only reacting. Putting out fires constantly. And therefore, feeling constantly overwhelmed.
I KNOW the right things to do. I know the right and wrong things to eat. I know I need to move more. I know I need to post to social media about my business. I know I need to send postcards out. I know I need to have a schedule to tackle all of these things in a manner that won't drive me crazy. But I don't do it.
WHY?!?!
I feel as if there isn't a simple answer to this question. I feel like there is something more psychological at work here. It's not a "just put your mind to it" sort of thing. It's not a "take this drug to focus better". So I think I'll google it. <goes and googles it...reads an article>
Right. So try harder is the bottom line. Not helpful. I want some deep meaningful "do this and you'll be fixed" magic. I guess that's like a magic pill, right? We're all looking for the magic pill that will cure us of what ails us?
Well I guess for now, it's continue trying to be better than yesterday. Motivate yourself.
But man am I tired...
