Peace be with me...

 I am feeling a greater sense of peace within me lately.  I have come to realize about myself that I need validation.  Is that a bad thing?  Perhaps not.  But what happens when I don't get validation?  That is when my peace is disturbed.  

So, my thought is, that I need to learn to self-validate.  And I guess that comes with confidence.  And I'm getting there.  I really am.  This consistency thing with work (working on that) and working out really helps me in multiple ways.  

I've always said that I'm not good at consistency.  I'm just not good at it.  (excuse) But I will also say, that once I put my mind to something, I WILL accomplish it.  I don't know what happened but I woke up one day and I was done being the weight and shape I was in.  So I started working out at the community center where we have a membership.  I avoided going because I wasn't certain of how to use the machines.  So I removed the obstacle by signing up for an orientation session.  Then, in January, I won a free month of personal training with my previous personal trainer.  That month kicked me into high gear.  So I have been working out (almost) every weekday for two months and I'm down 17 pounds!  😁  I wish things would happen faster but don't we all!  It took me years to gain all this weight of CONSISTENTLY eating poorly, so it's going to take a few months of me eating CONSISTENTLY better and working out to lose it.  And when I'm done, not only will I be lighter, I'll be stronger and healthier!

See the pattern there?  CONSISTENTLY!  I've also been focusing on meditating each day.  So far, I'm on a 9 day streak!  (About to be 10 today!)  I am pretty good at doing it a few times a week but I have really been prioritizing myself and making sure I do it each day, even if it's as I'm drifting off to sleep.  😴

Blaine has been a bit of a struggle lately, but we are working on it.  It's so frustrating!  I wish he would just realize how lucky he has it having parents like us!  I know he struggles with his identity, and depression, etc. but man oh man - his anger and defiance is just off the charts!  

I still find it very hard to prioritize myself.  I feel like I'm being selfish.  But I keep to a plan and I do my work (most of the time) and then I reward myself.  

2023 is the YEAR OF KRISTA!!  

I'm excited to be smaller.  I'm excited to be stronger.  I'm excited to wear my ACTUAL wedding set again and not the knockoff I usually wear (because the real one doesn't fit!)  

I'm 36 pounds away from wearing my wedding set.  Which realistically, is probably 4 months away.  So that's June.  Just in time for Paul's birthday!  It seems like a long time away, but we talk about "how did the summer fade away so fast?"  Or "can you believe it's 2023 already?"  And NO I can't.  So if I just keep consistent, and get back on the wagon when I fall off (no major fall offs yet - a day here or there, a meal here or there but staying on track for the most part!) then I will be so close to my goals by my birthday and definitely by Christmas - probably even thanksgiving!  

I'd like to write more - maybe later - but I have homework to do!  

chat later! 

What the actual F*€K am I doing?

 I honestly don't know what I'm doing.  Like in anything really.  I am just winging it.  This WHOLE thing.  Motherhood, friendship, marriage, ... LIFE!!!  

I was hurt, about a year ago, very badly by a friend of mine.  Someone who has been in my life for over 10 years.  She's a very controlling person, and for the most part, I just go along with it.  Whatever "it" is doesn't usually affect me all too much and I just don't care enough to make a federal case out of it.  Well, that changed a year ago. 

Our family life was in the shitter.  Paul and I were fine, but the kids were in crisis.  And P and B at the SAME time.  Both were in and out of the hospital for mental health concerns.  P had started cutting.  CUTTING!!  Eating disorders, depression even attempting suicide I could relate to, but cutting was entirely new for me.  Needless to say, Paul and I were stressed to the MAX.  I had a quilting weekend coming up and I was stressed about going.  There was so much going on at home, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea.  I had arranged with a friend, who was also going, that if I needed to leave at the drop of a hat, she would pack up my stuff and take it home at the end of the weekend.  So I could literally leave at a moment's notice.  

Well, B was admitted to RVH and diagnosed with COVID while there so no one was allowed to even visit him.  P was working all weekend, and Paul was home with K keeping him entertained.  Paul urged me to go, saying I needed the break, and what would I do at home anyways?  Which, when I thought about it, with everyone busy, I realized he was right!  

So I went.  Well this friend, Karen, DID NOT like that one bit.  So instead of talking to me like a grown-up, she talked about me behind my back to the entire group.  The group, as I said in the last post, that I created.  Paul thinks I'm being petty by continually mentioning that - but the point is that everyone knew ME.  No one knew each other before I formed this group.  I thought there would be some loyalty there - but no.  There is not.  

Fast forward to this year, the group went on retreat without me!  WITHOUT ME!!  I was devastated.  I don't know why.  I hardly talk to most of these girls at all throughout the year.  It just all felt very hurtful.  

Well, fast forward to this week and Karen is BACK!!  Messaging me and texting me and even APOLOGIZED.  TWICE.  When I told her I was hurt not being invited on retreat.  

And today I had her over to my house for an hour as we sewed in my new sewing space.  (Note to self: I need more shareable space).  It was nice.  I wanted to be guarded.  I wanted to put up walls so that she couldn't get IN again and hurt me. But that's not really me.  So we chatted just like old times.  I even went so far as to tell her my side of the story with Tara.  (I kinda regret that now...but I didn't say anything derogatory, just told her what happened.  So I guess it can be a sort of test...) 

Then after she left I thought to myself, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DOING?!  I feel like it's the rabbit inviting the fox into their den.  Why am I doing this?  Why do I want to be friends with her?  Why can't I just let the friendship die and say, THE FUCK WITH YOU!!  

Let me ponder this and try to come up with something.  

Karen is a very good sewer.  She is very knowledgeable and she is willing to share that knowledge.  She also sews every day.  She is giving with her knowledge and her talent.  I have one of her quilts in my home (and one of her mother's) and I have SEVERAL gifts from her handmade by her.  She is generous with what she sews.  I learn when I am with her.  And she lives VERY close to me.  It was completely awkward driving by for a year and not talking to her or being her friend.  I would force myself to NOT look at her house.  I didn't want to care who was over or what she was doing.  The friendship was not all bad.  There was one major incident when I stood my ground - and she didn't like that very much.  

IF I'm going to get back into this friendship, I need to do it with my eyes wide open.  She is a person who will ditch you if you piss her off or annoy her.  She is a person who gossips and talks about people behind their backs.  

Sounds like someone you want to be friends with right?  NO, it doesn't.  So again, I ask, what the actual fuck am I doing?!  

Literally, as I'm typing this, she texted me and apologized again.  THREE times.  Clearly, she has realized she picked the 'dud' friend.  The crazy person who is out for herself and herself only.  

I am moving forward.  I am KICK ASS 2023 Krista.  

My philosophy is now: if you wanna be friends with me in 2023 and beyond, I'm moving forward and moving fast.  So keep up or drop off.