Betrayal

 Betrayal is defined as "violation of a person's trust or confidence, of a moral standard, etc."

I feel as if I have been betrayed by a friend group of mine.  I started a quilting weekend group.  Karen, a long time quilting friend, didn't have many quilting friends of our age so I ended up inviting most of the group.  She had one friend she invited but has since cut from the group.  Well, most recently, I myself have been cut from the group.  From a group that I CREATED.  None of the girls would even know each other if it weren't for me (minus one girl that Martha invited).  

My question is, do they not see the kind of person that Karen truly is?!  She cut the person from the group who started it all!  Who is friends with each and every one of them.  Well minus Tara, who for some reason that I am not privy to, hates my guts now.  

The point of this post isn't to out all these girls (their names have been changed), but rather to express my deep, intense pain and disappointment over the whole situation.  

I have been cast aside as a friend before.  Used for what I was good for, and when that was done, thrown away like a piece of trash.  It's a common theme in my life.  So what is it about me that makes people think that I am so disposable?  That getting rid of me is better than keeping me around? 

I am giving.  I have literally opened the doors to my home and had friends LIVE with us for a year for free so they could save for a home.  Do you know what happened when they moved out?  They never ever talked to us again.  In fact, they stole from us on the way out.  Nice parting gift huh?  We saved them from living in a place where there were drug deals going on in the parking lot, to live in an executive home for FREE for over a year.  Why are they so mad at us you ask?  We asked them to park on the street so we could get our cars out of the driveway.  Wow, we are assholes.  One small concession for living for FREE for a full year.  And that makes us the devil.  And if it did bother them so much, why couldn't they come talk to us and we strike up a compromise?  Because throwing away our friendship was better than keeping us.  

My good friend, Heidi, told me to not let it change me.  Don't let people take my joy and don't let them change the heart I have.  How can I not?  It makes me want to say "FUCK THE WOLRD" and just live for me and my family.  

I feel very alone.  I know these girls aren't all my very best of friends - but two of them were.  So I lost two of my very best friends at once.  And now THEY are friends.  They didn't even know each other.  

Krista - bringing assholes together!  That could be my tag line! 

I know pain usually comes before growth and things getting better - but this hurts so much.  I give everything to my friendships - and maybe therein lies the problem.  I give too much.  I just never thought you could give 'too much'.  

The part that hurts the most is that not one person has reached out to me.  NO ONE misses me.  And I almost never ever get an apology for the way I'm treated.  Or a thank you.  It just makes me feel like I must be the one that is always wrong.  

But in this scenario, I can actually look back and KNOW that I did everything in my power to help these friends.  I KNOW I did nothing wrong but care for and love them with all that I have.  I opened my heart and my home to them.  And still they hurt me.  And they don't miss me.  Because now they have each other.  I'm old news.  How HURTFUL is that?! 

So I'm working on me.  I've been using a new planner and focusing on improving myself.  I've also been seeing a therapist and working on my boundaries.  Saying no, accepting help when offered.  It's very hard for me - my tendency is to give and not receive.  If I am offered help, seldom do I take it.  

I'm working on me.  I'm working on my business.  I'm focusing on my family.  And it's not perfect but it's progress.  And that's all one can hope for.  

So I will have another good cry, then have a great work out and sweat and tears will wash away in the shower and I'll try again.  

Thursday, January 26, 2023

 I can hardly believe that it's 2023 as I type this.  I had to double-check the year.  

I kinda thought I would have more done with my life by now.  I mean, I have no idea WHAT that thing was going to be.  At one point, I thought I was going to be a doctor - but as soon as I entered university, I knew I wasn't cut out for it.  I'm not smart enough.  Or motivated enough.  I often wonder what my childhood trauma did to affect my future.  I further wonder what trauma am I creating for my own children and what will they blame me for?

Parker, Blaine, and Parker's girlfriend Nyla are outside now shoveling the driveway.  I spent over an hour this morning trying to get the snowblower to start to no avail.  I spilled gas ALL over the place - including all over my NEW winter boots.  They are in the washing machine right now - but we all know how easily the smell of GAS gets out of things.  UGH.  

Back to my life.  I'm 45.  Going to be 46 this year.  I have decided that 2023 is the year of Krista.  It's the year I get my shit together.  It's the year I FINALLY get into shape.  (I've worked out every weekday for three weeks now.  I told someone the other day it's been a month but I guess technically it hasn't been.  I have one more week left.  😄)  I feel motivated and good about eating healthy and working out.  I've lost 10 pounds so far but I really want to be below 260.  Hell, I REALLY want to be below 200 but I need to take it one step at a time.  

I've been working with a personal trainer digitally - and it's been helping.  At least I know what exercises to do. Years seem to slip by without noticing and nothing changes.  So I just keep telling myself, July will be here before I know it.  I just need to keep doing what I'm doing until my birthday.  If I can do that, I will reach my goals by then!  I mean, I'm sure I will come up with MORE goals - but that's okay too.  I just hate living in this body.  

I'm also motivated to get the house in order.  Like FINALLY.  After living here for 13.5 years.  We rented a bin (finally!) this summer and we FILLED it.  I think I could fill it again!  

I actually have goals in 8 areas of my life this year thanks to a new planner - have I mentioned it?  MakseLife has this amazing planner that helps you do an assessment of your life and then score each area.  You then set goals and break them down into manageable chunks and it's like magic.  I know it's not rocket science but it just makes it so simple.  

So here are my 8 areas and goals: 

Personal: discipline with taking time for me.  Taking time to plan my weeks, taking time for my hobbies, taking time to watch motivational videos or listen to podcasts, and more reading time (less tv).  I feel like if I make these my focuses this year personally, I will find more joy and fulfillment in my life.  

Fun and Recreation: the focus for this one is family.  planning vacations, weekends away, and time with kids, friends, and Mum and Dad.  

Work and Learning: The focus here is consistency.  Keeping regular office hours, work my database, reading, listen to podcasts, and being consistent with my social media presence.  Which I was doing really good at and then I just died.  Right along with COVID.  

Family and Relationships: the focus here is healing.  I'm working with a therapist, and I'm working on a textbook (I call it my textbook time) to deal with my childhood sexual abuse.  I also want to focus on the boys here too - fostering a good relationship with them and keeping them close to me as they grow into young men.  I'm terrified of losing them.  They will ALWAYS be my babies.  

Health and Wellness: as I mentioned I'm getting into shape!  FINALLY.  After years of carrying around extra weight and generally just feeling shitty about myself, I've had ENOUGH!  I'm prioritizing working out - EVERY.  DAMN.  DAY.  (okay not weekends but I try to get a walk-in on the weekend).  I'm tracking my food intake, my water intake (takes a sip of water), steps, and weight.  I've lost 10 pounds and I started to think that wasn't that impressive - and then my girlfriend Linda told me I needed to think about 10 pounds of butter.  I lost that much weight!  Damn.  Good analogy!  That made me feel a lot better.  😁 My health and wellness also includes my mental health.  I'm working on journalling more and getting my thoughts out of my head.  There's A LOT floating around in my head at any given minute!  I recently took a mental health seminar and it was really informative.  

Spiritual and Personal Growth: here's where I'm focusing on gratitude.  This one is a bit of a work in progress for me (read I haven't really started yet this year).  It's not that I'm not thankful for anything - it's that it seems to have gotten lost in the mix of the million other things I'm working on.  I do know where my gratitude journal is now (thank you physical space goals for cleaning up and building the bookcase) so I plan on getting to this one this week no scratch that TONIGHT.  I'm also working on meditating every day.  I'm on a three-day streak!  Wooowhooo.  I love the Headspace app.  Although I think I might start working in some other meditations.  I also have as one of my goals, to join a church.  That's a tougher one for me.  I believe in God.  I think.  I want to believe in God.  I want to have the kind of faith that pulls me through the rough times.  I want to be a part of a community that surrounds me and loves me and treats me with the kind of love and respect I feel like I treat my friends with.  But I have yet to find it.  This is where the whole doubt in God thing comes in.  But I believe I have a seedling of faith (I hope I still do).  Although it is covered with a lot of cold stones of doubt, I believe it's still there.  There's hope there at the VERY least and that's gotta account for something right?  

Financial: OUUUUUU this is a big one.  My big focus here is on both my spending and my business.  I have taken out a prepaid reloadable credit card and it's the ONLY thing I carry in my wallet.  I have $500 to spend each week and THAT'S IT.  That pays for groceries, gas, and anything else I want in that week.  You would think $500 a week was a lot.  Sounds like a lot to me.  It's HARD.  It's Thurday and I have $11 left on my credit card.  (Granted I had to spend $50 extra in gas this week that I wasn't expecting but still).  It really makes me question if I really need something or not.  So it's good.  And my business.  I've gotten back into social media posting - which is good.  I like the interaction of social media and I believe I am putting out posts that are valuable in some way for people. Good tips or information for people to have about buying, selling, maintaining etc. their homes.  I also have a GRAND yearly goal of having $50,000 saved in the bank.  That means more clients.  LOTS of more clients.  I am going to R4 (Remax Convention) this year so I'm really hoping I can get inspired and kick start my 2023 and get some sales under my belt! 

Physical Environment: I read somewhere once, a clear space equates to a clear mind.  I truly believe in this philosophy.  If my desk is a mess, I cannot focus on the task at hand.  I've gotten better at ignoring the room but it used to be the room needed to be tidy and clean as well.  I've been working on a chore list each week through my planner and although most weeks, I fall behind, it has been keeping the house much tidier and I've felt more on top of things.  I've even scheduled cleaning my VAN out in the timetable so my car isn't a source of embarrassment if I have an appointment with a client.  That is REALLY important to me.  

Anyways, those are my 2023 goals.  I think I might print out some graphics to put up on my bulletin board that is above my desk.  Something visual to remind me what I'm working towards.  

Who ever asked for teenagers...

 Ain't nobody in their right mind, that woke up one morning and said, "gee, ya know I'd really love to have a couple of teenagers running around here"

SERIOUSLY.  

I don't feel like journalling today.  I feel like sleeping.  But I got goals y'all.  So here I am journalling.  Writers don't sleep.  They write.  Lazy mother fuckers sleep.  And I WAS a lazy mother fucker.  

But now in 2023 I'm a bad ass.  I woke up this morning at 6:30 (I didn't even set an alarm because bad asses just wake up) and I did my work out.  Ran 4 more minutes than last time.  Seems like a small amount but 6 months from now, I'm not going to look so silly, am I?  

I CAN DO THIS.  I do believe that this time.  I mean if Martha can do it?!  (Not her real name).  But like seriously...if friggin MARTHA can do it.  I can do it.  

I need to do laundry.  I need to clean my bathroom. But I really really want sleep.  If I sleep now, will I be able to sleep later?  Probably not.  

OMG it's only 3:00.  Fuck it.  I'm going to have a nap.

Oh and back to title.  FUCK teenagers.  They don't do work when they should, they don't clean up when they should.  They fuck you over in every little thing.  I fucking hate teenagers.  Why don't they listen?  UGH!!!!!  

Peace out.  Going for a nap.

G'night!

~K

Not getting it

So another goal to write some more so here I am writing.  I had a writing assignment for my "Courage to Heal" journey last night.  It was painful and I hated every second of it.  And I'm sure if I read it again, none of it will make sense - which I'm told is fine.  The point is to just write.  Free flow writing they call it - or some other bullshit.  

I typically like to write - it's week two of using the new planner and for the most part I'm still loving it but the tasks are a little less exciting and starting to feel like chores.  I have not had one day where I am aimlessly moving around our house keeping busy but going nowhere.  Which is good.  I have goals and I"m going to achieve them dammit.  I even woke up early this morning and did my workout BEFORE I started the day.  Which, honestly, was hard but AWESOME.  I don't have to figure out where in my day I'm going to fit it in.  I need to work a bit better on figuring out how to schedule in stuff when stuff comes up.  Like time block some "shit came up" spaces in each day.  Because 'shit comes up EVERY.  FREAKING.  DAY.  

Like today.  I wanted to head into the office and do some office work but I got sidetracked with helping a former client clean up and awful leasing mess she got into.  I've involved my broker and hopefully, we are going to make some headway here for her.  But it's now 11:15 and I did not head into the office and do any office work (realtor work) today.  But I guess in the long run, I did since I was helping a former client and friend.  So the other thing I'm really trying to do is give myself some grace.  Instead of always beating myself up when I feel like I 'failed' (let's also redefine failure, shall we), I give myself grace.  I've been productive, I'm helping a friend with real estate stuff - so really it's real estate work!  :D 

I do like the planner - no I actually love it.  I'm going to keep with it and see how my goals start shaping out!  

I've also decided my phone is the devil and a constant distraction from my goals.  Social media, texts, emails - all so alluring to me that I stop what I'm doing so I can 'complete' these things.  I need to learn to, before I start a task, turn the phone off!  Complete the task and then turn the phone back on.  I am in shock when I get my weekly report saying "your average screen time last week was 6 hours".  HOW IN THE HELL DO I SPEND 6 HOURS STARING AT A SCREEN THAT 20 YEARS AGO I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE!!!  

It makes me sick really.  My goal is to get that screen time down to 2 hours.  THAT is a lofty goal.  But I believe I can do it.  I recently deleted all the apps I wasn't using.  LOADS of games.  My next step is to organize my apps into the ones I use most on the front screen and the ones I would like to use less...on the back screen!  

I try to convince myself that I lost a sale once because I didn't check my Facebook.  And while that *may* be true (who knows for certain if she would have used me), it has only been the once.  In THREE years.  So get over yourself Krista.  Stop checking Facebook.  Stop checking Instagram.  Just do your damn job.  

Being productive is exhausting.  I do think one of the things I do need to plan is a rest day.  A day where I do almost nothing.  Sit and watch TV.  Have a nap!  Oh how decadent would that be?!  

For now, I'm focused on my goals and until I get a little closer to them - there's no time to nap! 

So there you have it. My goal for this week on journalling complete.  I could keep writing about all the other shit going on - how Blaine is failing and not going to school, how I miss Lida and cry if I think about it for too long, how I feel like I may be leaving Paul behind in terms of my motivation vs his, but I guess some of that will be for next week!

See you (me seeing me) then!

~k

Good Bye Lida

For Christmas this year, I got (myself) a new planner by Makselife.  It's an AMAZING planner that focuses you towards your goals in 8 areas of your life: personal, fun and recreation, work and learning, family and relationships, health and wellness, spiritual and personal growth, financial, and physical environment.  

You do an assessment of those 8 areas and then you get a score.  The ultimate 'goal' is to increase your score over the year in each area - but even you choose what your goal is.  Say in financial I score a 4/10 I can say that my goal at the end of the year is to be up to a 6 or 8 or 10 or whatever I think is possible!  

I'm on day two of using it and I'm already loving it!  I was so focused yesterday and got all my goals accomplished!  (minus working out - but that's only cuz I couldn't move!)  Every goal I have seems so insurmountable but the planner helps break down your goal into consumable chunks so it doesn't seem so overwhelming.  It's absolutely genius - it's like all the things you already 'know' but laid out in easy to follow steps.  

So anyways, today one of my goals was to journal.  I like journaling and I don't do it enough.  I need to do more mental brain dumps and I was all excited to get back to it.  

Lida, our golden retriever, had an appointment this morning because she hasn't been eating as well as she used to.  She is FOOD crazy and it was anything we could do to get her to eat.  It's only been a couple of days so I assume some sort of stomach bug or something that a little antibiotics would clear right up.  

No such luck.  After some quick blood tests and an x-ray, we discovered that Lida had a cancerous tumor in her abdomen that was bleeding and she was actively dying.  The vet recommended that we put her down immediately.  I was like, "but my husband isn't here - the other kids need to say goodbye!  Can we come back tomorrow?"  

"Based on her bloodwork," the vet explained, "she won't last the night.  Sometimes when a dog dies at home, they do it in their sleep.  However, most of the time it's traumatic for both the dog and the owners". 

SHIT.  

So I finally got ahold of Paul (he was in a meeting with his boss but by calling him three times in a row he got the hint and answered) and he hopped on the first GO Train home.  EXCEPT, the daytime Go trains only run to Aurora.  Oops.  So I drove down to Aurora and got him.  

We schedule Lida's euthanasia appointment at 6 pm to give the kids the day to spend with her.  They snuggled her and told her they loved her.  We cut up a steak into small bite-sized pieces and she had half for lunch and the other half for dinner.   

Blaine and I took her in and the procedure was smooth.  The only hitch was that they couldn't sedate her as her red blood cell count was so low sedation would ultimately do the job.  We sat with her and snuggled her.  We tried to give her chocolate but she wasn't having it.  We found some liver treats and she had a few of those.  A technician came in and set up her IV.  And when we were ready, we pressed the doorbell and a vet came in and gave her medicine to stop her heart.  She slowly stopped breathing and then they checked and her heart had indeed stopped.  

How did this happen?!?!?!  I had, what I thought, was a healthy dog THIS MORNING!!!  

I am now not a dog owner.  Our home is without a dog.  

I don't know how to not own a dog.  

I remember when Zoe passed away, we would think we heard her footsteps on the tiles.  It took so long to actually realize that she was gone.  I feel like the same thing is going to happen.  

I'm actually still in shock.  It was so fast.  

2023 you have not been nice to me so far.  Can you please be a little gentler moving forward?

I want to eat a burger but if I do my personal trainer will kick me in my vagina so I'm going to go work out instead.  

Much love,

~K