Thursday, December 31, 2015

Most Special of Gifts

Recently, I made a special quilt for a very special someone. The kids wanted to contribute as well - making the quilt with more 'love' inside. This was their own solution. Pictures and messages on the batting of the quilt so they were all sewn right into the blanket. I love it. Only problem is you can't SEE them now that the quilt is finished. So here are the pictures of their contributions.

I think for certain this quilt has become 'magic covers'. Read on for the story of our own Magic Covers.

Magic Covers
I’m not sure where the idea of Magic Covers ever came from, but from an early age, for all our kids, we noticed that they LOVED being in our bed. As babies, maybe it’s because Mom’s warmth was very close, and that meant food was always nearby. But even when we weren’t in the bed with them, all our boys loved sleeping in our bed – and still do. But when Magic Covers really come to work is when the boys are sick. Somewhere along the line someone came up with the idea of ‘Magic Covers’. That when you are sick you always feel better in Mom and Dad’s bed because their covers are MAGIC.

When the boys asked me directly about the Magic Covers, I told them that once you have a baby, the Magic Covers Fairy comes down and sprinkles magic dust on your covers and they sink in and make the blankets inside (we have a duvet with cover) magic – and the magic can’t be washed away. I told the boys that parents were gifted the magic so they always had a way to make their kids feel better when they were sick, or sad or just needed to ‘feel better’.

Last year, I made Blaine his own quilt. He requested that HIS quilt be made with magic covers. I told him I wasn’t in charge of magic covers – and that they were supposed to be a secret! I wasn’t even supposed to tell him of the fairies or the Magic. But I made the quilt and we wrote a letter to the fairies asking if they could make this one exception and put even just a little Magic into the covers.

Well the fairies DID visit and left a note telling us that they would make this one exception, but only because the blanket was homemade and made with so much love. They said it was the LOVE that would make the magic come to life – not their special fairy dust.

I didn’t set out to make a quilt for you specifically. Mostly, I shop for fabric (because I love fabric shopping!!) and then the fabric usually tells me who it’s for. I found this fabric in the back of an old consignment shop in Buffalo. It was interesting – and was a great deal – and I almost felt sorry for this forgotten fabric in the back of the store. I’m not sure if it was a dress or shirt you were wearing one day that I saw on Facebook, but the next time I sat down to the quilt it almost YELLED out at me, “I’m for NICOLE”. Alright – I thought. That makes sense – why didn’t I think of that?

The boys are always VERY curious about what I’m working on, who it’s for and when I’ll be done. They love the whole process too. They asked me who this new quilt was for and so I told them; a longtime friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. It’s sad that I didn’t have to explain to my young boys what cancer was – it’s touched so many and our extended family hasn’t escaped it’s grasp either. Although our boys didn’t get a chance to meet him, a proud picture of Grandpa Jack is on our shelf and we often talk about the Grandpa they never met. As soon as I had uttered the words “a longtime friend who was diagnosed with cancer” Blaine JUMPED up and exclaimed, “MOM!! SHE NEEDS MAGIC COVERS!!! They make ANYONE better!!!”
“Well, it certainly is made with a lot of love,” I replied, “but how could we fill it even MORE with love – just to make sure the magic is activated?”

The boys came up with the idea of drawing pictures and messages on the batting inside the quilt. It wasn’t easy – batting doesn’t like to be written on! But they were diligent and kept at it with determination to make sure that this quilt would become ‘Magic Covers’ or as the boys started calling it, “Nicole’s Feel Better Blanket”.

Every time I would read that your counts are down, or you weren’t feeling well I would think of this Feel Better Blanket and blame myself – well of course she can’t have chemo this week…she doesn’t have her Feel Better Blanket!! The boys even asked me the other day – “Mom is she better yet?” When I said no, they gave me right crap for not having the blanket to you yet.

Since you can’t see the drawings or efforts, I’ve included pictures to go along with your new ‘Feel Better Blanket’ quilt. Whenever you need a pick me up or some ‘feel better’ vibes, all you have to do is snuggle with your magic covers. I’m sure the fairies will be happy to grant another exception – because trust me – there is A LOT of love sewn into this quilt. The boys have never even met you, but they have been raised with a sense of loyalty and love – the same sense of loyalty and love I was shown so many years ago by your family. It was, and always will be the best job I ever had at Highland Arms! We are always loyal to the ones we love, and the fact that I love you means automatically they love you. Aren’t kids GREAT?! 
I know you had wanted to see us all in person but honestly I don’t think I can take the crap I keep getting from them anymore! I told them that you weren’t feeling well enough for visitors and they said, “MOM! You just need to get that blanket to her! Just tell her to send us a picture”. So when you’re feeling up to it, the only thing they ask is you show them that you are snuggling with your new “Feel Better Blanket”.  And they also wanted me to tell you, you can take it anywhere you need to Feel Better. 

We all hope that you are feeling much better soon. The Birkbecks (and the Parkers and Forrests!) are all rooting for you. And of course, your new “Feel Better Blanket”.

Lots of Love,
Derek, Parker, Blaine, and Kiefer

(And Paul and Krista too)








Saturday, November 7, 2015

Nobody ever told me...

Nobody ever told me how much I would love being a mom. How I would watch them sleep, sometimes for hours, sacrificing my own sleep. How I would become that 'lick my thumb and clean their face' mom and still love it. How I would be the loudest hockey mom in the stands. How I would learn all the rules for hockey and soccer and baseball and all the sports I never knew anything about.

Nobody ever told me that there would be days I would hate being a mom. How I would wonder what ever happened to ME? Who is 'me' anyways? Nobody told me I would forget what music I used to listen to as it was slowly replaced with Bubble Guppie soundtracks and ABC's and 123 songs.

Nobody ever told me how fiercely I'd love my kids. How when I was pregnant I worried how I would ever have enough love for ANOTHER one and yet it was never an issue. Nobody told me how fiercely they would love each other. Or hate each other.

Nobody ever told me how fiercely I'd love my special needs kid. How I would relish in those proud moments. Moments that would otherwise be 'regular' moments for any other parent - but for me it was like my kid had just climbed a mountain - with no harness or ropes. Writing his name for the first time without tracing letters. Going potty on his own - not having asked for the ump-teenth time if he has to go. SPEAKING. Saying more than 3 words. Then saying more than 4 words. And then that first grammatically correct sentence. Said with ease and confidence like he really knew how to do it all along.

Nobody ever told me how much it would hurt. How badly you would want to scoop them all up and protect them in a bubble. how you never in your life could have imagined that you would want to claw out the eyes of a nine year old girl - because that nine year old girl just broke the heart of your nine year old boy.

Nobody ever told me how much you'd wish there was more time. More gurgles from babies, more snuggles from toddlers, more stories from school agers and just MORE TIME. How those early days would be so long. How the hot wet tears would flow so easily in the wee hours of the morning when the sun hadn't risen and your nipples hurt and your heart ached. And how years later the tears would flow again yearning to re-do those quiet moments alone gazing at the miracle you brought into the world.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Gaining perspective...

Once upon a time, in my young naïve youth, someone explained life to me in this way.

"Imagine the world, and your life, and all the little pieces of your life and how they interact with the world as a majestic painting. Removing your life from the painting would leave a white blank space and everyone looking at the painting would wonder, well why is there that blank space there?

Things happen to us. They happen to our loved ones and they happen to the world around us. But we don't always understand WHY they are happening. We don't always understand how they can possibly contribute to the good of the world.

Imagine that you are only but a small piece of this majestic painting.

Like this:


Does it make sense? Looks like a hot mess to me?

Or how about this?


Still not making much sense?

Maybe this one is better...


You still aren't getting it? But how could that be? This is a very famous painting by an amazing artist.


Look closer here:



Now are you seeing it?

No matter what diety you believe in, our lives are the result of an amazing artist. We don't always understand what is happening. We don't always like it, but one day, if we back up far enough, we'll get a glimpse of the bigger, amazing picture.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

The truth is...



The truth is I'm just annoyed.

The truth is I'm overwhelmed.

The truth is I feel cheated.

The truth is I just want the world to turn off - even if just for one day. No, even if just for 5 minutes.

The truth is I'm so proud of my boys.

The truth is sometimes, I'm embarrassed of them too.

The truth is I'm tired of putting on a brave front.

The truth is I cry myself to sleep more than I admit - even to myself.

The truth is sometimes I talk to almost strangers about how proud I am or how awesome they are.

The truth is being a parent, to any child, is hard work.

The truth is I loved fried food. (Sorry Ash)

The truth is I love veggies and fruit too. (See Ash it's not all bad)

The truth is I REALLY don't want anyone's sympathy.

The truth is when people find out we have a child with ASD and epilepsy and they give me the puppy eyes and tilted head look, I literally want to punch you in the face.

The truth is, sometimes I DO feel sorry for myself. But I sure as hell don't want YOU to feel sorry for me.

The truth is sometimes I just want to bitch about how unfair the world is.

The truth is I really wish I could keep my kids in a bubble.

The truth is I seriously love Martha Stewart. That b!tch gone gansta y'all.

The truth is I miss my own spare time.

The truth is I never ever considered how much work 3 kids would be.

The truth is I never considered how hard marriage would be.

The truth is I'm scared to love someone as much as I love my husband. But I do.

The truth is I'm tired. And I'm tired of saying I'm tired.

The truth is being a step mom is a totally and completely thankless job. If you're doing it right. If you're doing wrong - it's hell on earth (so I've heard )

The truth is I HATE being an outlier. All boys. Step mom. Kid with ASD. All outliers. Not the norm.

The truth is I was going for normal.

The truth is I have panic attacks semi-regularly worrying about the safety of my kids.

The truth is...I'd like to hear your truth.



Tuesday, April 21, 2015

It's not fair...

My kids have this book called "It's not fair". It's really cute and show's just how silly arguments can be when you think something isn't fair. They actually love for me to read it to them.

Why'd I get the smaller half?
Why'd he get the bigger laugh?
Why can't I have a pet giraffe?

It's not fair!

Why can't I have curly locks?
Why can't I have my own box?
Why now chicken pox?!

It's not fair!

You get to stay up late? I have to go to bed at 8!
They said they would, but they didn't wait.

It's not fair!

Why don't you yell at her?
Hey! It was my turn to stir!
I don't know it's all a blur!

It's not fair!!

Why does she get new shoes?
Why does my team always lose?

It's not FAIR!!!

...and the book goes on. You can actually watch the whole thing here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoSUnJqJ7Yw

The arguments coupled with the pictures seem so obvious that the claims these kids are making are just silly. Of course your team doesn't ALWAYS lose. Of course you can't have a pet giraffe!

But as an adult we can get caught up into this "It's not fair" game too. I am so guilty of it myself.

Why is their house bigger than ours?
Why does he seem to make so much money and not really work that hard?
Why do their kids get all the good grades? They don't even try as hard as my kids.
Why did his kid make the rep team?
Why are they still together? I worked harder at my marriage than she does...

And the ones I myself get caught into:

Why can't my child struggle less? Why does my child have to have this dreadful diagnosis? Why can't my kid sleep soundly through the night without these awful seizures? Why do I have to be the only one of my friends who has a kid who is "different"?

IT'S NOT FAIR.

I found my pregnancy journal tonight. As I read through it, I started to tear up. At the end of EVERY entry I wrote, "grow healthy and strong baby. Mommy will meet you soon!"

All I have ever wanted for any of my children was for them to be healthy. And I worried about it. With every pregnancy. Every single piece of ANYTHING that went into my mouth was considered for it's nutritional value. I'm not saying I was perfect. But I considered everything. Down to not chewing gum because I couldn't find gum without aspartame in it.

Why'd I have the kid with ASD?
Why can't he be healthy and free?

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Seizures keep us awake at night,
Every step ahead is always a fight.

IT'S NOT FAIR.


Every spare moment spent looking for a cure,
Is what you're doing right? You're never sure.
Only thing you really know, is your love is so pure.

It's not fair.








Sunday, February 1, 2015

Mexico 2015 - Now Saphire

We arrived yesterday. This is our "free" trip that we got 18 months ago the last time we were here. I would say that booking your own flights makes for a much better experience. And renting a car is awesome as you skip the whole 'waiting for the bus' thing too. We were at the hotel and checked in by the pool by the time the bus arrived. :) We got to the hotel around 2:30 pm and unpacked and got situated. Then we hit up the buffet and head down to the pool. Well they must have had some cooler weather here because the pool was ICE cold!!! We headed back to our room for a little R and R and we watched a new series that Paul downloaded called Elementary. We then had a nap and wet to dinner around 10 pm. :) Then the big party animals we are headed back to bed! We slept in this morning till 10 - think that studying for the PMP has really taken it out of both of us!! I headed to the gym this morning for a run and realized Songza doesn't stream from Mexico. I got a good 20 minutes of running in and now we are just relaxing in our room till lunch starts at 12:30. Then I think we are going to head into Cancun and go to the mall. We are going to visit the dentist that did Paul's teeth and maybe see if we can get our own teeth whitened! We haven't taken much pictures but here's what we have so far. We were at this resort 18 months ago but both of us realized that we remembered very little and that we don't document our trips very well. So this is me trying to get better at it. Will write more tomorrow!