Falling off track...

 

As soon as I saw this picture I knew I HAD to use it.  I really miss the Thomas the Train days.  I miss them being little so much.  I miss them wanting to spend time with me.  I'm trying so hard to savour all the last little minutes I have with them here all under one roof - but it's so hard!!  Teenagers can be asshats!!  

I started day one with so much determination and now it's day three and I feel like I have fallen so far off track already!  I NEED to lose weight.  I am closing in on a number I never even thought possible for me.  It's gross.  

But I'm also so tired.  I don't know why.  They say my iron is low.  I'm not taking my medication regularly.  I know this ins on me.  But I'm literally sitting at my desk right now typing this with my eyes closed because I'm so tired my eyes are burning.  I told Kiefer every day after school we were going to go for a walk and I feel so tired right now I just can't bring myself to do it!  I need to.  I'm going to force myself to.  The only way I'm ever going to get out of this funk is to do the things I don't want to do.  

The only thing to do when you fall off track is get back on the damn track.  

Okay going for a walk now.

Getting back on track...

 

I'm determined to get back on track.  I was losing weight, and working out daily, and I was doing so well.  I felt like I was doing well.

I also was door-knocking and really rocking it with my business.  And now I'm floundering. In all aspects of my life!  

So TODAY is the day.  April 8.  The eclipse day!  The sun will be hidden and reborn and I will do the same!!  

Maybe I can harness the power of the moon/sun to evolve.  

I'm so afraid of failure.  I'm afraid of looking stupid.  I'm so afraid that it keeps me frozen.  

I NEED to break free from this statue like state!  

Also, while super high at the hockey game last night, I started thinking about a Mel Robins podcast I heard a few weeks ago.  She said, think back to a time when you were happy.  Compare your life then to your life now and make changes.  

I was happy in high school.

High School Krista 

• In the band
• In the choir
• In the jazz band
• Saw my friends everyday 
• Danced 4 times a week
• Had 3 jobs 

And I seemed to juggle it all.

Present Day Krista

• Rarely listen to music
• No weekly hobbies that I commit to
• See my friends once a week (talk to one of them daily)
• No regular physical activity
• 2 jobs and not thriving at one
• Struggling to keep up with house and work

So what's the answer here?

My heart says I need to sing.  I need to incorporate music into my life.  My heart also says, I need to do something that brings me joy surrounding movement.  I really enjoy Zumba classes.  Sort of involves dance and exercise in one.  I also really enjoy yoga since it leans into my flexibility and stretching. 

So mission one: find choir or some sort of singing group I can join. 

Mission two: rejoin gym to attend Zumba classes

Arguing with the hubs...

 

Here I am thinking that we had a great day at the market.  Completely sold out of cinnamon rolls.  Not a single roll in the whole booth to sell.  

I got home at about 4:15 and immediately Paul starts in on me.  

"What are you teaching her??  Did you have a full window at 3 pm??"

I replied, "No we didn't have a full window all day.  We completely sold out"

He gets even more defensive.

"So you had a full window at 3 pm and sold out when??"

Again I tell him, "no we didn't have a full window.  We had a full window once today for about 2 minutes.  And we sold out" 

There was not a cinnamon roll to be sold.  WE SOLD OUT.  I'm not sure what he didn't understand about that.  

He thinks I'm an idiot.  He thinks I don't know how to do my job or that I slack off or something.  

I'm so angry right now I'm seeing red.  

<leave to go make dinner.  Made dinner for Paul but he's not eating dinner.  Because he's sucking out like a fucking little baby and I'm so tired of this shit!!!!  Grow the fuck up!!!!  Stop having suck outs as a grown fucking man!!!!>

So now I've had my dinner (chicken skewers, tzatziki and greek salad - YUMMY!!) and I ask Paul, "What did I do??"  

He yells back, "WHAT DID I DO?"  

What the actual fuck?  Can you not answer a fucking question???

You yelled at me the second I got in the door.  

No you weren't explaining yourself clear enough.  What does "sell out" usually mean??  It means you had a full window and then sold out.  So why didn't you put more on??  

WE SOLD OUT.  We don't have a fucking roll to sell.  THAT'S WHAT SELL OUT MEANS!!!!

So it's MY fault that I wasn't clear enough.  Never mind that he immediately goes to I don't know how to do my fucking job or that he treats me like a fucking baby.  "Use your words!!"

I just can't with the suck attacks.  And if I just took off and 'drove around' for an hour he would be PISSED.  But for him, it's okay.  For him, it's always ok.  He gets to act the way he wants all the fucking time and I just tip toe around him because that's my fucking life.  

What would I say to Mum...

 

I know you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.  I know you love us all fiercely.  

I need you to stop parenting me.  I need you to stop parenting my children.  I need your support.  I need your help.  NOT raising my kids.  I need to feel like you actually LIKE spending time with me.  That I'm worth spending time with.  I need you to say I'm doing a good job.  I need you to say that you see me trying to be the best Mom I can be.  I need you to feel like my kids are lucky to have a mom like me.  

I need you to not take everything so damn personally.  If I have an opinion, that's not a personal attack.  It's just an opinion.  I KNOW how you raised us.  And I KNOW that I'm raising my kids differently.  I'd like to think I'm raising them with the same ideas and morals that you instilled in us.  It just looks different to you.  It's not the same.  But guess what?  The world isn't the same either.  

We are dealing with so much more.  Social media, the internet, influencers, the "I need it now" mentality of society today.  And we have taken steps to learn.  Parenting classes for teenagers.  Reading books and getting better.  Talking to therapists.  Helping our kids regulate their own emotions.  

Mental health is the new buzzphrase on the street, but we are doing more than dropping them in a conversation.  We are living the words.  We are walking the walk and talking the talk.  SO much talking.  

I need you to know that you tore me down.  You shamed me at so many turns.  My abuse is NOT my shame to carry and if someone finds out about it, then so be it.  It's something that happened TO ME.  It's nothing I asked for.  No, I'm not proud of it.  But it happened.  And the shame is NOT mine.  So if I leave a book on my bed in the basement, there's no shame there.  I refuse to live a life of shame and secrets.  I can't take it anymore.  And you can't continue to gaslight me.  You refused to come to one of my therapy appointments.  Your words were (and I'll never forget) "it's not my problem to fix.  It's YOUR problem".  You didn't emphasize the YOUR but it was in my mind.  You MADE it my problem.  And my shame.  And it's not.  And that was wrong.  So very very wrong.  

I can't do the emotional blackmail anymore.  I can have an opinion or thought and it doesn't warrant the silent treatment and then a burst of emotion (tears and screaming) afterward.  

I wonder what you really think of our relationship.  Do you want more from it?  What do I do that drives you nuts?  How can I be a better daughter to you?  

I'm tired.  I try to plan family events.  I try to plan social activities for us to get together but it seems like at every turn you are not including me.  

I'm actually so done I don't even want to spend any more time on this journal entry.  It's sad.  You have a daughter who wants so desperately to be your friend, and you push her away at every turn.  You have grandchildren who could benefit from your presence, yet you refuse to take part in their lives in a meaningful way.  I love that you came to hockey games and dance recitals, but REAL life is more than that.  It's getting down in the mud WITH your family.  

I feel sad for you and vow to not repeat the same mistakes.  

I fucked up

I completely fucked up.  

I went to bed Tuesday night and Parker had not yet returned home.  When I woke up Wednesday morning he was not in his bed.  I might add that his bed looked exactly like it did the night before.  He told me he left for work super early but I had my suspicions that he never returned home the night before.  

I went about my day and when Blaine got home, I looked on his phone to see that Parker posted a picture on Snapchat in someone elses bed saying "couldn't sleep at all last night" or something of the sort.  Posted at 7 am in the morning.  So to me, it confirmed my suspicions that he didn't return home last night and spent the night in someone elses bed.  

Then when I called him, he said he was at the side of the road sleeping.  Sounded weird to me too.  I told him to come home that it was time for dinner.  

He came home and I asked him where he was all night.  He told me that he was at home.  And that he left super early for work.  I spoke to my brother and he didn't get to work super early so something didn't add up.  I yelled at him and called him a liar and accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriends best friend.  (That's who's bed it was).  

Well, I was wrong.  Confirmed by ex girlfriends best friend and her mother.  Also confirmed was that he DID leave her house around midnight and come home.  Whether or not he slept in his car all afternoon was a mute point.  

So Parker stormed out of the house screaming that he hates being at home and he will NEVER return.  He has texted me several times to confirm he is never returning.  

I go to a very negative place when I screw up.  Like I was a mistake to begin with.  I mean I was.  Barb had sex at 16 (or was raped) and I came along.  She was too scared to tell her parents and by the time they could 'address' it all it was too late for an abortion. I was literally a mistake.  And when you don't believe in God, or at the very least have a really hard time seeing his presence in your life, you FEEL like a mistake.  And that's where I go.  I'm a big fucking mistake.  

And then I continue to beat myself up.  Like I fuck up everything.  I fucked up school.  I fucked up my life by not persuing a career of my own.  By not being able to take care of myself.  I'm a drain and a parasite.  Really dark hurtful things.  

Would I say these things to my friends?  FUCK NO.  So why do I say them to myself?  

So if I'm a mistake are Parker, Blaine and Kiefer a mistake?  They are all amazing.  They are the best parts of me.  Okay like I'm not an idiot and they are not perfect but they are wonderful human beings.  

Parker is soft and warm and loves children and animals.  He has a giving heart.  He is protective.  

Blaine is feirce like his mom.  He has a hard exterior but a warm and gooey center.  He was so protective of me last night after our fight too.  I love that about both my older boys.  They love their mom so much.  

Kiefer is just pure innocence and goodness.  He is love and warm and trust.  He is so sensitive and loves so deeply.  

How could a mistake make them??  Raise them?  

I need to coach myself to do better.  To treat myself better.  

I am NOT a mistake.  I am meant to be here.  I am meant to be their mother.  

💜

 

Feeling Lost...

 I feel like the girl in this picture is me.  Except all I can think about is how cold my butt would be sitting on the ground.  I would find a stump or something to sit on.  

But I digress.  I feel completely lost lately.  Wondering what way do I go next?  I want to contribute to the family financially.  Paul keeps saying that I don't have to work.  But I WANT to work.  I want to be able to help move our family forward.  I want to have something that is all my own.  I want to have something to be proud of.  

More than anything, I want to live my life a certain way and enjoy certain niceties, and I don't want to rely on anyone to provide them for me, or my kids.  I want Paul to enjoy them all too, but I don't want him to think that everything has to come from him.  

Paul talks about the burden of being the breadwinner and the stress it puts on him.  I hate that I don't make enough that he couldn't just quit his job and find something new knowing that I could keep the family afloat with what I make.  

I've decided to dedicate myself to my real estate career this year.  I want to door knock, mail out items of value, do pop-bys, do the whole nine yards.  If I can do that consistently for the next year, I should be good.  

The problem is finding the time!  Which is what makes me worry about a full-time job.  How am I going to manage that if I can't even manage a few hours a day working on real estate?

I like real estate.  I actually love real estate.  I just hate GETTING clients.  So I need to work like a dog to have a business that is going to carry itself.  Get my name and reputation out there so people can remember me and call me when they need me.  

But what if that isn't the job for me?  When I hear the phrase, "Remember who you are" I have to stop and think about who that is for me?  WHO IS Krista Birkbeck?

And maybe that's why I feel so lost.  You can't figure out where you are going unless you know WHERE you ARE.  And I really don't know where I am right now at all.  

I'm in the weeds of therapy dealing with past traumas.  It's fucking awful.  I want to say it's great and I'm making progress and it's sunshine and lollipops, but it's fucking awful and I dread it every week.  (This week I have a break...thank goodness).  

I am hoping (praying) that I can make real estate work.  I NEED to make real estate work.  I have so much debt to pay off and I need to make money for our family.  

Please Dear God, if you are there, help me stay focused and get more clients in real estate so I can spend time with my kids and husband and help financially around the house.  Amen. 

Psychedelic Therapy

 

I've been doing some reading on psychedelic therapy and how it can help patients get over what deep-seated issues they may have.  

I've been feeling like I've been stuck lately in my therapy.  I can't seem to break through to the next level of healing or insights.  

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and get high for my next therapy session.  I've been doing EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprogramming) and for a little while seemed to be moving along okay.  Slow but moving.  Then recently, for whatever reason, I just feel stuck.  Like wheels are turning but I'm not moving anywhere.  

So, Paul agreed to let me get high on CBD/THC and he would drive me to my appointment.  Funny this is, I got high and then couldn't remember where we were going.  We were completely at the wrong end of Orillia.  Paul was doing a meeting in the car so I couldn't interrupt him and tell him we were nowhere near where we were supposed to be.  

We did end up finding the right location and getting there on time.  I had a good laugh over entering the address AFTER I was hopped up on gummies.  

We started the session catching up and I informed Tamari right away that I was under the influence.  We got the catch-up out of the way and I was excited to start the session.  

We started the EMDR in the usual way and the usual questions. Immediately a LOT of emotions came up for me.  It was hard for me to express what I was feeling.  

For the first time in my sessions, I felt connected with that girl.  The girl who was being abused.  In past sessions, I would recall the memory but I wouldn't be there.  This time, it felt like I was transported back and I was there with that girl.  I was scared.  For the first time, I felt fear.  I don't even remember feeling fear at the time.  

It felt hard to breathe.  I was crying almost uncontrollably.  I was scared.  And I was so ashamed.  This was my father.  Someone whom I was supposed to trust.  Someone who was supposed to be taking care of me.  And he wasn't.  He was destroying me.  It was gross.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to run.  But the worst of it all was that it felt good.  How could my body betray me like this?  This is gross and awful and SO SHAMEFUL.  Typing this I want to barf.  It makes me so angry and grossed out all at once.  And yet, my body betrayed me.  

And then the fear again.  Tamari is going to judge me.  She's going to think I'm the most fucked up individual ever.  How can I be such a traitor?  I'm a fake.  A liar.  This is going to destroy any and all the relationships I have.  

I told Tamari how I was feeling despite everything in my body screaming not to.  My body felt like it was buzzing.  I felt pain everywhere.  I had to drop the handheld buzzers.  

I don't want to do this anymore.  It hurts.  It's hard.  I don't feel any better.  I continually feel worse and worse.  

I came up with a few thoughts while in my state of mind. 

"Sex is shameful"

"It's my fault for what happened" (I know in my head it's not)

"It's too late to tell my truth"

"It's selfish to tell my truth"

"Some secrets are worth keeping"

"I am not garbage"

"I am worth loving"

Blaine Blowout

 

So Paul and Blaine got into it yesterday.  Blaine went completely ballistic.  Foaming at the mouth, screaming, dumping the contents of our medicine cabinet claiming he was going to kill himself.  Then he reached for the knife block.  

Funny aside here, we've already locked up all the medications so he grabbed a bottle of Gravol.  LOL.  Maybe I should have let him take it.  He would have just passed out for the afternoon!  

All because Paul asked him, again, to take his army stuff down to the basement.  He brought it home last Wednesday, so now the following Monday we were growing impatient about him moving it.  

Again he said he was going to do it at 2 pm, and Paul asked him to please take it downstairs now and he could label it whenever he wanted to.  

And then the fight started escalating more and more until Blaine was foaming at the mouth screaming for Paul to shut up and Paul just stood there saying, "I'm not going to shut up in my own house!  If you don't want to hear me, leave or go to your room" and Blaine kept screaming.  

Kiefer started crying and covered his ears and ran upstairs.  And I was stuck in the middle of it all playing referee.  AGAIN.  

I can't do it anymore.  My emotional state can't take it.  I'm going to have to be the one who learns to walk away!  

I feel like I really miss out on having a best friend.  The kind of friend you could tell anything to.  Confide in.  Really show your true self to.  

I believe Paul is my best friend.  He's seen sides of me I show no one.  But he's not a female best friend.  

I feel judged by K.  I feel inferior to L - a bit like it's a superficial relationship.  Not deep.  I feel like I have to be a certain someone around N.  G is just a complete pain in my ass.  A good heart - but rides me like a rented mule.  J is family and a good friend but she has a busy life with little kids.  

I feel lonely.  No one who I can be my true self with.  And if I think about it, I wonder who my true self is!  

I guess that's why journaling has become so important for me.  And my therapy appointments.  Maybe I project a friendship onto my therapist because I feel so lacking in having a true friend.  

Maybe my version of true friendship doesn't exist.  If anyone saw my real true self I wouldn't be 'friend' material.  I'd just be the crazy complaining chick who can't hold her shit together.  Although, Paul sees all of that and still accepts me.  

Getting tired of writing.  Also can't seem to keep focus right now.  Ending here.  Seems unfinished but what else is new?

Missed appointment...

 

I missed therapy this morning because I just couldn't do it.  I thought about making it a Zoom call, but I didn't have the strength to even get out of bed.  I'm finding the appointments very hard lately.  I'm having to force myself to make them.  I guess I'll need to talk to Tamari about that.  It's not going to be effective if I'm missing them.  But it also isn't effective if I'm dreading them.  

I carry too much guilt.  I was charged for the appointment and my therapist surely used the time.  She probably went for lunch early, or transcribed notes.  I'm almost certain she didn't sit and do nothing for the hour.  But I still feel guilty.  

My parents had to put down their dog (or rather my brother's dog that became their dog) today.  Piper was 13 years old.  He was a feisty little guy.  But very sweet.  And he loved Parker.  And he loved Uncle Tom.  Apparently, my brother is taking it very hard.  Which is a bit weird since the dog didn't even live with him for the last 10 years.  But a pet is a pet, and he does see the dog every day while working with Dad so I'm not going to judge or pretend to know what he's going through.  

I had lunch with Kathy, Amanda, and Sabrina at Kathy's house today.  It was so nice catching up with the girls.  Made me realize I NEED to sew more.  I love sewing.  And I love seeing the finished product when it's all done.  And then getting to say, "I MADE THAT!"

It's snowing pretty heavily here.  I have down that I need to do the main floors and dust and clean the basement.  But all the kids are home now (2:48 pm) and I don't want to do any of that.  

I think I'm going to surprise Paul with a hotel room Friday night and book a hotel room so we can have sex!  

Going to do some research on that now.  

💜

Valentine's Day

 

Today is Valentine's Day.  

I have planned a full 'heart shaped' menu.  Parker is bringing his girlfriend, Nyla, and her friend Ava.  Blaine is bringing his boyfriend Quincy and Paul and Kiefer and I will round out the group.  

Parker started the day with saying he didn't want to go to work and crying.  He needs more sleep.  But he doesn't have good habits!  Ugh!!!  He drives me crazy.  I dragged him out of bed and got him going.  Only to have him sent home later that morning.  But he didn't come home.  I don't know where he went as he's not answering his phone or texts.  

Blaine got off okay today to his 'kitting' for the army reserves.  He seems pretty excited about the whole thing.  He looked very proud up there swearing allegiance to the King.  I hope he sticks with it and it takes his life in a good direction.  I am jealous of him to have this opportunity.  

Kiefer is steady Eddy and got ready no issues at got to school mostly on time.  :D 

And now it's 2:00 pm and I don't want to do the big dinner I've been planning for weeks because I am over run and worn out.  

So I'm off to get Kiefer now.  

I NEED to heal

 

This healing shit is not for the faint of heart.  

I had another session last week on Thursday (January 25th) and it was hard.  Lots of crying in that one.  And while I want to believe the deep feeling and the crying mean something (like healing or moving forward) I don't FEEL any different.  

Not like I think I'm going to leave therapy with a 'dance through the streets in a flashmob' sort of feeling - but it would be nice!  

I just find it incredibly difficult to continue to do something and see very little progress - or extremely slow progress.  It's why I've never been good at sticking to a diet or workout routine.  I can't seem to get past the slow going.  

But my head knows that consistency is the key to success in everything.  At least that is what the internet and most books would have me believe.  There is no magic pill.  No wonder campaign that is going to solve all your problems with one monthly fee or one morning pill.  If someone could come up with that, they would be RICH!  

How do I heal with the strife in this house!  Blaine doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.  I can't even write a FUCKING JOURNAL entry without a fight breaking out between Paul and Blaine and me having to leave the room and intervene.  

I feel like I can't anymore.  I can't do this life.  

I can't constantly struggle with my own mental health.  I can't juggle the mental health of my kids while they fight me the whole way.  I can't manage my kids education while they fight me the whole way.  I can't manage my husband, who, sometimes, acts like a child himself!  I just want to scream at everyone to grow the fuck up and manage their own selves so I can manage me!!!!  

Managing ME seems like a full fucking time job.  And then I have Paul sending me fucking job postings like I'm supposed to jump all over them when I can barely manage the business we have, my real estate business and the children we have.  Never mind the house, the chores, the cleaning, the cooking, the making the appointments, taking the kids to said appointments, following up, etc etc etc.

I want to get off this merry go round of fucking life.  I want a break.  And not just from life, from my own fucking head.  

What is the point?

 Am I having an existential crisis?  I am really starting to wonder 'What's it all for?'

We work our entire lives waiting for the next 'better' step.  Children wanting to be adults.  Adults wanting to be married.  Wanting for a better bigger job.  Wanting for children.  Wanting for a bigger better house.  Wanting for the children to get through 'this stage'.  Then the next.  And the next.  And wanting them to grow up and move out.  Wanting them to move back in.  Wanting for them to appreciate.  Wanting to retire.  Wanting to travel.  Wanting.  WANTING.  WANTING & WAITING.

Is that what life is about?  

I love the poem written above about the dash.  How you live your dash.  If I died today, what would people say about my dash?

I hope people would say I'm a helper.  I hope they would say I'm happy and a lover of life.  Which inside makes me laugh since I didn't always love life.  And I guess I don't always love life.  I get angry about the struggle.  About the past traumas I have suffered.  

How do I fill the funeral home with people who adore me when I die?  How do I positively affect the lives of others?  How do you heal yourself and at the same time not make it all about you?

Help the elderly.  Help the homeless.  Help the less fortunate.  Spread love.  

I try to be a good person.  I give to the homeless asking for change on the street.  I pay for the person's order behind me.  I give away items I think would help others.  But how can I do more?  How can I be even better?   And heal me?  Can I focus on myself and help others?  

Is there a way to heal and help at the same time?  Perhaps that's where my passion lies?  Perhaps that's where my true calling is.  

Now WHAT is it?  

I'm honing in on something here.  I can feel it.  Stay tuned.  

Sleep

 

I feel like every day I am tired.  We've been struggling with Parker and getting him on a good sleep schedule.  He's falling asleep sitting up during the day when on lunch at work.  

I started doing a little bit of research on how important sleep is, and to my surprise, it can actually affect your brain health later on in life!  Did you know that those who consistently get too little sleep are at higher risk for Alzheimer's?!  Cuz I sure didn't!  I mean, don't get me wrong, I always knew sleep is an important part of one's health. I know for me, I struggle with my mental health more if my sleep is interrupted and I know I get sick more often if I'm run down or not getting enough rest.  

But Wow!  Just one look at the chart above tells me just how important sleep really is!  

Therapy

 

Not sure how much this visual will resonate with what I write, but I liked it - and it is a good visual for me.  I might print it off, laminate it, and put it up in my office.  And give the boys a copy too.  

I have therapy this morning and I want to address my rising anger.  I keep thinking that this anger and these emotions need to be dealt with by confronting my abusers - but I always ask myself "to what end?" 

What am I hoping to accomplish by expressing my anger to my abusers?  I guess I want them to know I'm still dealing with what they did.  I'm still GREATLY affected by and my life has been directed by what they did to me.  My inability to concentrate in school, the partner I chose, the way I raise my children, my paralyzing fear to succeed, my inability to be sexual and not think about the abuse.  It affects me to the core of my being and if they think that I'm walking around just fine - they have another thing coming.  

But what will that do?  What will it change?  How will it affect them?  Should I care?  What if I regret expressing my anger?  Once a word is said you cannot take it back.  

So I think that's what I'm talking about today in therapy.

~K

Habits

 

Yup I had to use two pictures today because they both spoke to me.  

It's been a little while since I've done a journal entry.  Some days I think, what have I got to talk about and I struggle to pull together enough worth hitting 'save'.  But then other days I can't wait to get to the keyboard to mind dump all that is swimming around in this noggin' of mine.  

The one thing that I noticed, when I got out of doing my daily rituals, my mood changed - DRASTICALLY.  Now I wouldn't have said before this hiatus that my daily rituals were habits yet.  They are something I need to remind myself to do.  Although meditating before bed has become a habit for sure.  I almost cannot fall asleep now without that daily ritual.  Thank you Headspace!  

But for my journalling, for instance, I wouldn't have thought it would make much of a difference.  And at one point last year, I did think, "What's the point of all this brain dumping??  No one reads it - Oh gawd I HOPE no one reads it - and I don't know if it's helping me at all.  

But after a busy December, a quiet but busy with family Christmas and New Years, I found myself yearning to get back to the keyboard and get back to dumping out on the screen all that's floating around in my head.  Even if it's just dust bunnies. 

WebMD says "Journaling about your feelings is linked to decreased mental distress. In a study, researchers found that those with various medical conditions and anxiety who wrote online for 15 minutes three days a week over a 12-week period had increased feelings of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms after one month."

It was interesting to me that it made a difference so drastically in my mood.  I'm certain there were other factors, like the stress of the holidays, and wanting it all to be so perfect for my boys, but the fact that I longed to get back to the keyboard was the interesting part.  It was like, inherently, I knew that the process of getting all my thoughts, worries, anxieties, fears, and excitements out on the page was helpful!  

Brain science is so cool!!  

Now how do I get my oldest son to do the same??  

I'm sad to report that Parker has been struggling with mental health.  Right around the same time that I had a major depressive episode and tried to commit suicide.  I didn't really want to die.  I mean I would have tried again if I did.  I just wanted the pain and darkness to end.  And it breaks my heart to think that he is feeling the same way.  Life isn't perfect.  Its hard and messy and painful.  But it's also beautiful and exciting and rewarding.  I want for him to experience all of those things.  

I need to help him build the healthy habits that I have come to rely on to keep me out of the darkness.  And I don't want him to wait until he's 46 to figure it out.  He has a beautiful wonderful life to live - and I want him to feel that way.  That it's beautiful and wonderful and he's lucky to be alive.  

Okay off to do some more research about how to keep him upbeat and happy.  

~K

💜

Happy New Year!

 

Well, it is 2024.  And what have I done with my life?

I guess that's how I'm feeling lately.  

<stares blankly at blinking cursor on screen>

I'm not sure why I'm here.  Like not on earth, but here as in journalling.  I know it helps to get your thoughts out of your head and onto "paper" but today, of all days, why am I here?  

So I turned to the cards to tell me.  

Wow.  This was a powerful card for me to pull and read today.  Mr. Rogers, you always knew what you were talking about.  

Paul has his surgery next week and secretly I'm super nervous about it.  I know Paul is too, so I don't want to let on that I'm nervous.  I just want everything to go smoothly.  I want him to have his mobility and an easy recovery.  I mean if his Dad can do it, I'm sure he can.  

We need to lose weight in 2024.  I'm so tired of being overweight and continually gaining weight!  My pants don't fit.  I do not want to move up to a size 22.  I swore I'd never be a 20 and here we are.  UGH.  Why can't my body cooperate with me?!  

Okay just cleaned my desk off a bit as everything was driving me nuts!!  Mostly the dust was driving me nuts!  I feel like I have so much to do today but have no idea where to start!  

I joined a 5 day clutter challenge and I'm already behind two days.  How does THAT happen?!  I'll catch up today.  I also have a call booked with someone to discuss our budget.  It's a mess.  So I'm not certain how that call is going to go.  

UGH.  There's just too much on my plate.  AND I'm supposed to work at a job full time through all of this?  I just don't know how people do it and stay sane.  

Okay now I have to write an email to Paul and tell him what's up with me.  

BYE!