Parenting difficult children...

 

So the funny thing about this picture is that I searched for "parenting difficult children" and I think this is supposed to be a picture of a difficult child...but it's what I feel like right now.  Angry, frustrated, unseen unheard, and generally just MISERABLE.  

I don't want to be a parent anymore.  Certainly not to Blaine.  He does nothing wrong.  Takes accountability for nothing and doesn't even know what reality is anymore.  

I'm so done.  BEYOND DONE.  I'm BURNT.  BURNT THE FUCK OUT.

Life is GREAT when you are a teenager.  You can play your tunes as loud as you want, keep your room a mess or tidy, you have your own space (I mean I never did - but whatever) and then when you are hungry there's a fridge full of food you didn't pay for or even a nice warm dinner waiting for you when it's dinner time.  

I WANT TO BE A FUCKING TEENAGER.  

Laughable

 I had a dream last night that was eerily a good insight to what I think I'm feeling - but didn't even realize.  

DREAM: 

I was walking down the street when I saw one of my real estate signs in the window of someone's door.  The door had a clear window and they were using one of my signs turned on its side as a window shade.  I walked up to the door and knocked and when the woman answered I saw she had several of my signs in her studio.  There were other employees around big tables in an open space where many of my signs were being stored.  Only there was something 'off' about them.  They were hand-drawn.  And some of my signs that were not hand-drawn, had paint all over them.  

I ripped the sign from the door saying "This is mine and there is a copyright on it and you can't be doing this!!"  I started to gather up all the signs as the people sitting around just looked on in disbelief.  They seemed like they started laughing at me to themselves.  As I tried to get out of the studio with all my signs (and the handmade ones claiming they had copyright) the woman who answered the door, and appeared to be in charge, started scribbling on the signs as I was carrying them.  She exclaims, "There I've signed them so they are considered art and no copyright applies to art!!" 

I continued to storm out of the studio but as I did, I could hear all the people laughing as I was leaving and I heard one person say, "WHAT A JOKE!  She thinks people are going to take her seriously with that colourful goofy logo!  hahaha" 

All I could hear as I was storming out with all my signs was laughter.  And they were laughing AT ME. 

I woke up feeling embarrassed and sheepish.   I want to be taken seriously.  I can feel the embarrassment I felt in elementary school when I was teased and bullied.  I want to heal that little girl and tell her how awesome she is and that those people are just dumb!  They can't see the amazing person you are!  

How do I heal that little girl inside so she doesn't feel like a joke?! Perhaps something to talk about tomorrow at my therapy appointment.

I just wanted to make sure I had written it down and remembered how that felt.  

Staying Strong...

 

It's very important to me to be strong.  Being 'strong' can be taken in so many different ways.  We tried to move a fridge this weekend from the garage to the house - seems like it would be an easy task!  We even have a dolly so we could wheel it around and bring it up the THREE steps easily into the house.  Well, let me tell you - my husband and two boys as well as myself were not 'strong' enough to get that thing into the house.  Or perhaps we were wise enough to know it wasn't a good idea!   

At the beginning of this year, I was going to the gym every day (through the week) and training my body.  But as much as I was training my body, I was also training my mind.  The commitment and determination it takes to stay consistent with your goals isn't just physical training but a mental one.  

And if I'm completely honest, I think mentally training your mind and becoming 'strong' is even more important than physical training.  

It's crucial for me to stay mentally strong.  And many days, I do not feel mentally strong.  I feel worthless.  I feel unsafe.  I feel unworthy.  I feel forgotten.  I feel unloved.  

And these feelings are common for those who have experienced childhood trauma like I have.  And I'm trying so hard to heal and get better.  I'm trying so hard to train those emotions and feelings out of me.  I am strong.  I DO accomplish what I put my mind to.  (hello!  VBA2C!!)  I am safe.  I am worthy.  I am not forgotten (by those who matter) and I am loved.  

I need to remember those things on the days that I don't feel strong.  That my mind is a tricky little bugger who likes to deceive me! What I think (sometimes) is not real!  It's a story my mind has made up and I start to believe it!  I need to remember what a storyteller my mind can be!  Robert Munsch ain't got nuthin' on my mind!  

I got this.  I need to start treating myself like I would treat one of my girlfriends.  Because I'm an awesome friend.  Supportive and kind.  Giving.  Loving.  

Krista Birkbeck deserves that kind of treatment too.  From HERSELF!  

So that's my new years resolution.  I'm not waiting for the New Year to start.  I am starting today.  

Krista is awesome.  Krista IS strong.  And Krista is worthy of all the love and kindness she puts OUT in the world.  She is deserving of some to turn inward.  

💜

 

Last quarter...

 

We are WELL into our fourth quarter of the year, the last quarter.  This year has NOT gone according to plan as it pertains to my business.  My business has taken a back burner to my emotional health for most of this year.  And my bank account reflects that.  

It's time to kick it into high gear.  I went to Vegas at the beginning of this year promising myself I was going to hit my goals.  My goal this year was to make $150,000 commission.  If I hit my goal I was going to buy myself a Tiffany's necklace.  

The mini of this pendant is $5,100 and the full size version is $15,000 CAD.  Crazy eh?  But I thought it would motivate me to get to it and hit my goals.  I only door knocked once...maybe twice.  Ya I think twice.  Nadda.  Zip.  Nothing.  

Heidi, my broker of record, still swears that door knocking is the way to go.  I just don't seem to have luck doing it.  So I've decided, I'm going to start door knocking every day until I get a sale.  And then I'm going to keep doing it until I get another sale, and another and another.  I'm GOING to finish this year strong.  

You see I have a $120,000 debt to pay off.  And then I have a mortgage I need to pay off. 

AND I NEED TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT.      

I need to prove to Paul I can be the one to support us and bring in money.  There are no project manager jobs for me.  But I'll look for those too becuase I need as much money as I possibly can in a short amount of time.  

There are no 'get rich quick' schemes out there that actually work.  It's HARD work and keeping consistent that is going to make or break me.  And I don't want to give up real estate.  I don't!  

So work for what you want!  There's a saying, "Get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get"

I need to get out there and GET WHAT I LIKE!!  Which is listings and buyers!  I need to get on social media more, I need to finish my Listings Lab course, I need to touch my database, I need to get a list of all my sales and buys and take pictures of the doors.  I need a list!! And then I need to project manage that mother fucker!!  

I am capable of this.  I am capable of so much more than I am putting out into the world.  The world deserves more of me!  Look out world!!

And I am GOING to have that necklace around my neck next year.  I am going to hit my goals and I am going to treat myself to that dang necklace.  

I have the capacity to support this family and Paul can quit his job.  I am in year 5 now.  I should be here.  

I'm going to get there.  And that's not just business.  My body.  My home.  My marriage.  

Get ready.  Here I come

Thanksgiving reflections...

 Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm starting to feel the stress.  The stress of bringing all the stuff up to the cottage and praying that I have it all there!  

Turkey, ham, dinner rolls, veggies, and all the pots and pans and serving dishes to serve it all!  Not to mention the spices and oils and the pressure of cooking everything for everyone!  I'm not the best cook in the world...what if I need something and it's not at the cottage?!

Sigh.  I keep telling myself all will be fine.  It will be FINE.  But I keep having this nagging feeling that it will NOT be fine.  

Feeling good...but poor

I have had a few really good days.  It feels weird to even type that, but when you are battling mental illness, you really do take each day as they come.  It's actually rare when you start to put together a few days in a row when you are feeling strong and healthy.  Those days are dangerous because then the fall can creep up on you when you least expect it.  But I'm starting to learn to appreciate those days and live in the moment.  Knowing that 'the moment' can end at any time.   

So I feel good, strong, and healthy.  But poor.  Paul informed me our credit cards have reached their max again.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I don't even use the credit card that much.  I try my best to keep to my $500 a week - which seems like a lot but man it goes fast.  I don't know how people live.  Or I don't know what we are doing wrong.  But it needs to get under control and fast.  

And then yesterday Paul informed me that a recession is on its way.  TD has put on a hiring freeze.  Oh great.  And I thought I might get back into project management.  I guess that's not happening.  Or I better dust off my resume and make it shiny and bright real fast.  

AAAAND, on top of all of that, we are hosting Thanksgiving this year at the cottage.  So not only is the dinner financially going to be draining, the whole emotion of the whole event is going to be draining.  Like a lot.  

And that makes me feel weak.  Like I can't handle things.

When I was a little girl, I used to have this image of a strong, slim, healthy woman who was powerful and decisive and had her SHIT together.  And that woman was me.  I was going to be well-dressed, successful, and a powerful woman in what I did.  

I feel so far away from that image.  SO FAR.  I feel weak, fat, unhealthy (both physically and mentally).  I don't feel like my poop is in any sort of group.  

I want to be that woman.  I just don't know what I'm meant to do in this world.  I know I'm meant to be here.  I'm beyond that now.  Or I try to be every day.  I love my kids more than anything in the whole world and I will live just for them if that's all I'm meant to do.  But I just wish I KNEW what that thing was.  So I could have peace surrounding it.  

As weird as this might seem, perhaps I just need to pray on it.  

Until I reach those goals, keep on keeping on and chin up and big girl panties on.  

💜