Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Two years ago at this exact moment I was in the hospital, walking around, DETERMINED to have a VBAC.  I remember doing laps around the nurses station.  Remembering which pictures were where as I rounded corners thinking, "Just get to the giraffes" or "just make it to that awful green dog painting".  I remember finding that rocking chair in the hallway and sitting down and rocking.  Envisioning that I was holding you and rocking you back and forth.  I didn't want to get up.  Walking hurt. Sitting hurt too but it was less energy than walking! 

But I did get up.  Your Daddy was my rock.  He kept me going.  LITERALLY held me up when I wasn't strong enough.  Kept me going when I wanted to quit.  And something I've never openly admitted is I WANTED to quit.  It was in the back of my mind the ENTIRE time, "if I can't do it, if I change my mind, they won't hesitate to cut this baby out of me". 

But Daddy wouldn't let me quit.  I told the midwife at 8 cm that I wanted an epidural.  I had told Daddy MONTHS earlier NOT to let me have one.  Even if I begged and pleaded, NOT to let it happen. 

He couldn't see me in so much pain.  He couldn't listen to me beg.  He gave in.  But just as he requested for some relief for Mommy, God stepped in and had other plans.  You were coming.  There was no time.  Even as I was pushing, I kept thinking about giving up.  How the nurses or OB wouldn't HESITATE in giving a woman who already had two cesareans another one.  Then the midwife leaned in close.  I could feel her hot breath on my face.  I wanted her to move away...she was in my space.  But she didn't.  She got right up in my face and told me to do it.  Told me to get mad.  Dig deep.  Find the energy and push you out.  I had to push you out or the doctor was going to suction you out. 

I had already done it.  You were coming out vaginally whether I wanted you to or not.  I had pushed through.  And I continued to push and you came screaming into this world, warm and wet and INSTANTLY placed on my chest (still the BEST feeling in the world!!!).  I fell in love with you even more.

I love you so much.  I'm so proud of you.  I can't believe it's been two years already. 

Just remember, my sweet Kiefer.  It's not a failure for WANTING to give up.  It's only a failure if you do.  You taught me I can accomplish what I set my mind to - even if I feel like giving up.  As long as I am persistant, I can do it.  So young yet you've already taught me something. 

This is a little break from my 'days of thanks' but I am SO thankful for you.  I am SO VERY thankful for achieving my goal of a VBA2C with you too. 

Mommy loves you so much.  Today and everyday.