Planner excitement!!!!

 

Here is a picture of the planner I have purchased for 2024.  It's the same system I used for 2023 and I absolutely love it!  

I mean a planner only works as much as you work it - but it just seems to keep me on track and has definitely helped with managing the house and my mental health.  My goal for 2024 (and the rest of this year if I'm honest) is to incorporate more WORK into the planner system and reach THOSE goals.  

I'm sort of tired of talking about my mental health on here - which is a big part of my processing journey - but I just wanted to talk about something I am excited about!  

I do have a listing right now and hope to do a live video tomorrow walking through the condo.  I also have two buyer clients and a leasing client just fell into my lap.  I hope I can help them all!  I really REALLY need a paycheque.  

I'd also like to get more reading time into my schedule.  I seem to watch HOURS of TV and have all these books I'd like to read but can't seem to find the time to read them.  DUMB I know.  Like just stop watching TV.  But TV seems to be the only way Paul and I spend time together.  Somehow I need to change that.

Anyways, on top of my planner coming soon, Linda and I will plan a weekend in Buffalo!!  I can't wait for that! We can shop and eat and get ready for Christmas coming up!  Hard to believe Christmas is 'coming up'.  Where did my summer go?!

When do you call it quits?

 

Typing the words "when do you call it quits?" and uploading the above picture has my stomach in knots.  

Fundamentally, I don't believe in divorce.  I don't know why.  It's a bit of a mix of getting married before God, and pushing back against the 'just replace it' society that we've become.  I just believe that when two people want to work on something together for the greater good of the marriage and the family, a stronger bond emerges.  And it teaches the children about longevity, loyalty, and not just FINDING the right partner but BEING the right partner.  

But when something so insurmountable presents itself, what are you to do?  What happens when your values no longer line up?  What happens when a compromise is impossible?  I don't want to call it quits, but I simply cannot see a path forward.  

Almost half of my life is tied up in this person.  We have built a family together.  A business, an entire LIFE!  While it feels impossible to continue the way we are, it also feels impossible to separate.  

I've tried so many times to overcome obstacles that we have encountered.  And many times I wondered if staying was the right move.  

It always turns out to be.  I think.  I have a good life.  I'm well taken care of.  Could I be happier?  Do we see staying together long term?  

I can see both sides of it now - which I couldn't before - which I guess it what scares me.  I see leaving as being an easier option than the unknown.  

UGH.  Why doesn't life come with a user manual?!

Still feeling off...

 

Paul and I are still barely talking.  Just the necessary words.  We watch shows but he checks out early.  I'm getting a lot more done since I am spending virtually no time with him.  But I miss him.  No snuggles.  No small talk.  

He always says "You're stuck with me!  I'm never leaving" but I always wonder if this is the straw that will break the camel's back.  

We were supposed to go to a movie yesterday but Paul cancelled last minute.  We were supposed to go with Parker so instead I went for sushi with him.  :) 

I love spending one-on-one time with my boys.  Next week I will take Blaine on a date.  Since my husband barely wants to talk to me or date me anymore.  

This has been the longest we haven't talked to each other in a long time.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I have stomach pains and just want to go to bed all day long!  

Pattern of abuse continues...

 

It's so incredibly hard for me to come to terms with my past trauma.  Molested by my father and my older brother.   The only two men in my life and they both took advantage of me in my formative years.  What did that teach me about love and how to love?  What did that teach me about my worth?  How much did that break me?  How did that affect my self-worth and self-esteem?  How would my life be different now if that abuse had not taken place?

There is so much pain and hurt there - and to know that it happened again to my son breaks my heart and makes me so angry.  Angry because I am forced to deal with the abuser almost every day.  The mere mention of his name makes the hair on my back stand up on end.  I hate him.  I hate him with every fiber of my being.  He is a manipulator and any tears he sheds over his shame and remorse are crocodile tears.  He's a psychopath who has no remorse.  He is only sorry because I am holding a firm boundary and not letting him back into our house or family.  

However, because everything is a secret, I am always the bad guy.  I don't want to talk about him.  I don't even want to type his name.  I don't have pictures in the house.  I'm the bad guy.  I don't want him over for dinner.  I'm the bad guy.  I don't sign his name on cards.  I'm the bad guy.  

So because I was asked to keep a secret, I was also asked to be the bad guy at every turn.  I didn't quite realize that when I agreed to keep it a secret.  And to my shock and dismay, it never happened again so couldn't be reported.  

He says he's sorry.  He says he's not that person anymore.  I'm sorry - it takes a certain KIND of fucked up to molest a child, much less a child with special needs, much less your brother!! There's just too much here for it to be swept under the rug which is exactly what my husband wants me to do.  Just forget it ever happened.  There's WAY too much mental illness there for me to believe that 'he's just not that person anymore'.  BULLSHIT.  You don't just molest your special needs little brother and then BAM, you're not that person anymore.  It doesn't work like that.  

It's caused me MORE trauma on top of the trauma I already have!  And then my husband is trying to force me to be near the abuser.  I want to MURDER him.  I want to choke the life out of him and see him suffer.  If he died tomorrow, I would be RELIEVED!  I would not cry a single tear.  I would actually be SO FREAKING happy that I never ever had to see him again and never ever be forced to BE THE BAD guy again!  

I'm going to suggest therapy for my husband and me.  Hopefully, we can get a therapist who will not report it and we can talk about it and figure out how to move forward within our marriage.  I think we need to have some ground rules for engaging with the abusing child - who is not a child and wasn't a child when it happened!  Another reason he didn't just 'change' who he was! 

And because on Sunday I held firm to my boundaries, my husband still isn't talking to me.  At the last minute, he changed the plans we had and wanted me to either 1. drive down alone to Toronto to see my son play hockey or  2. drive with the abuser in the car for over an hour!  And pretend like everything is fine and dandy!  

THINGS ARE NOT FINE AND DANDY!  This whole thing has me literally considering divorce.  My husband says I'm 'stuck with him' for life, but if forced to choose between my son and my husband, I would choose my son so if I make him choose - guess where I will land.  

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF PAYING FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S MISTAKES!!!!  

I'm not a door mat.  I'm not someone to be used and taken advantage of.  I'm so fucking sick of it.  Friends, family, clients - everyone thinks they can just walk all over me and take whatever they want!  I'm DONE!!  No more!  

I'm holding firm to my boundaries and if you don't like it - GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Good morning! You got into an accident!!!

 

What a freaking way to start the morning!  It was raining this morning so I opted to drive Kiefer to school.  He said he had a bleeding nose and I was reaching for the Kleenex.  I was going very slow and there is no damage at all to my vehicle.  All the same, the woman was completely pissed off at me and now my day is completely sidetracked.  

I'm trying my best to stay on task and keep off social media but I'm completely bummed.  We do not have the money for this.  Not at all.  I don't even know if Paul knows that his tax bill is $82,000!  And we didn't even have enough to pay off my tax bill.  We are spending more than Paul makes (which is A LOT - how is that possible?!) and can't seem to get on track.  

I need to start making money.  I am selling a condo which fingers crossed gets sold soon, and hopefully have two buyer clients and another listing coming up.  All of which is good - but I need more!!  Am I being greedy?! I need to work harder.  I need to get out there and door knock.  

I have cancelled my pedicure, cancelled tea with TJ, going to make sure I return some Amazon items today.  

Why can't I get my spending on track?  

I feel like a colossal failure.  

Okay better prepare the returns.  

Why oh why doesn't my car just break for me??  

Dear universe, 

I need more money.  Please send some.

Love,

Krista