Something is 'off'...

 

Would have super loved this image had it been of a woman...but as soon as I saw it I knew it was the image for today's blog post - because it embodies EXACTLY how I feel.  

Paul has told me I don't have to work.  I started looking for a job as a project manager or a Scrum Master and 99% of the listings ask for a degree or a master's degree!  Like to be a project manager!  Which is basically just a work mom.  Seriously.  It's keeping a bunch of people on track, reminding them of their commitments and what will happen if we don't meet them, and motivating people to work to the best of their ability.  A work Mom.  And you want me to have a master's to do that?!  I already have a PhD in parenting...all the courses and the shit I've been through.  Trust me your little project isn't making me nervous one bit.  

So I felt a bit defeated over that.  Then there is the fact that my house is a hoarder's dream.  Or a clean person's nightmare?!  I mean okay we aren't qualifying for an episode of Hoarders anytime soon, but like we have too much fucking stuff.  I literally dream of the house burning down and starting fresh.  Why is that?  Just do the damn work to clean the place up.  I mean you don't work - so what DO you do?!  If I'm not working, shouldn't there be a gourmet meal on the table each night and candlelight and soft music and the house look like a show home?  

So I started cleaning out the kitchen.  Slowly.  I'm about halfway done.  That was supposed to be Wednesday's job and it's Friday.  

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!  

I feel like the world's biggest failure.  I have no passions that I want to pursue work-wise, I don't have a degree, I have a messy house and an unhappy husband and kids who are raising themselves.  What am I doing with my life?!  

I walk around with this feeling like I just want to cry all the time - but the tears just won't come.  I used to be REALLY good at crying.  They called me "faucet face" in grade school.  The slightest thing and I would cry.  I feel like now as an adult, I've become numb.  

I've been doing EMDR therapy with my therapist.  The sessions are simple, but hard.  I find it hard to keep my mind focused on what I should be focusing on.  And then there is the sleep.  I have been EXTREMELY tired lately.  I stopped taking my iron supplements about 2 months ago because they made me feel so ill.  I've been super tired for about three weeks, which oddly enough, lines up perfectly with when I started the EMDR.  After the first session, I was EXTREMELY agitated.  I jumped down Paul's throat with no explanation and had to apologize for it afterward.  Since then, I've been very mindful of my mood and taking it out on others.  And I don't think I'm internalizing anything.  I'm not burying emotions.  But man am I tired.  Even sitting here writing this, I'm taking several breaks just to breathe and rest.  Is that crazy? 

Maybe I'm literally losing my mind slowly.  Some might say, not so slowly, but who knows?! 

Okay I'm going to clean out another cupboard, make a cup of tea and sit in the sun.  

Life - be gentle with me right now.  Please. 

Therapy - is it working?!

 

I've been seeing Tamari now for over a year.  I don't know the exact date I first saw her (I should ask) but I've covered a lot of ground.  Friend issues, boundaries, issues in our marriage (past and present), and of course the biggest and most shameful one to me - the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.  

I told my two oldest sons about the sexual abuse.  I didn't mention names, or if those people are a part of our lives anymore, but I told them that I was dealing with this abuse.  I wanted to tell them the whole reason I am doing this is for them - I want to break the cycle of generational trauma.  

I just don't know if it's working!  I mean I love Tamari.  I love talking to her.  She's like a friend.  She laughs and frowns and really justifies my feelings.  And she's a therapist so it makes me feel completely validated in what I'm feeling at the time.   She hasn't yet told me I'm wrong (is this bad?  I can't ALWAYS be right) and I just like talking to her.  But can I get the same effect by talking to a friend?  I don't think I have a friend (anymore) that I can tell everything to like I tell Tamari.  So maybe there's that.  Well, that sucks.  I pay $170/week to have a good friend.  

I do feel like I am calmer, generally happier, and seem to be able to react to stress a bit better.  (winces as I remember getting frustrated with our business partner last night...and ultimately I won the argument.  LOL) 

<insert large break here...where I freak out on Blaine because he refuses to listen to me>

Soooo...is it working?!  I certainly didn't seem to be more calm today around Blaine.  I recovered.  But I did storm out of the car, slammed the car door, and stomped angrily into the house.  And Paul calmed me down.  How does he do that?!  

I guess part of me feels like I am taking my mental health into my own hands.  I've struggled with depression for years and for the first time in my life, I feel like I AM the one guiding my mental health, instead of my mental health being something I deal with.  I feel like I am being proactive with my mental health and not reactive.  It's not something I dread that will come out of nowhere and derail my entire life.  

So is it working?  Well I guess I'm not a completely different person, but I am more aware of my boundaries.  I'm aware of putting myself first.  Holding firm to what I believe is best for me, even if it means that upsets other people.  I've been a people pleaser my entire life and it's HARD for me to put myself first.  It's easier to just make everyone else happy.  

So from the outside looking in, maybe you don't see a difference.  But I do.  Slowly.  I'm not a completely new person just yet.  I'm evolving.  

And I guess that's the best any one can hope for.

💜