It's so incredibly hard for me to come to terms with my past trauma. Molested by my father and my older brother. The only two men in my life and they both took advantage of me in my formative years. What did that teach me about love and how to love? What did that teach me about my worth? How much did that break me? How did that affect my self-worth and self-esteem? How would my life be different now if that abuse had not taken place?
There is so much pain and hurt there - and to know that it happened again to my son breaks my heart and makes me so angry. Angry because I am forced to deal with the abuser almost every day. The mere mention of his name makes the hair on my back stand up on end. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being. He is a manipulator and any tears he sheds over his shame and remorse are crocodile tears. He's a psychopath who has no remorse. He is only sorry because I am holding a firm boundary and not letting him back into our house or family.
However, because everything is a secret, I am always the bad guy. I don't want to talk about him. I don't even want to type his name. I don't have pictures in the house. I'm the bad guy. I don't want him over for dinner. I'm the bad guy. I don't sign his name on cards. I'm the bad guy.
So because I was asked to keep a secret, I was also asked to be the bad guy at every turn. I didn't quite realize that when I agreed to keep it a secret. And to my shock and dismay, it never happened again so couldn't be reported.
He says he's sorry. He says he's not that person anymore. I'm sorry - it takes a certain KIND of fucked up to molest a child, much less a child with special needs, much less your brother!! There's just too much here for it to be swept under the rug which is exactly what my husband wants me to do. Just forget it ever happened. There's WAY too much mental illness there for me to believe that 'he's just not that person anymore'. BULLSHIT. You don't just molest your special needs little brother and then BAM, you're not that person anymore. It doesn't work like that.
It's caused me MORE trauma on top of the trauma I already have! And then my husband is trying to force me to be near the abuser. I want to MURDER him. I want to choke the life out of him and see him suffer. If he died tomorrow, I would be RELIEVED! I would not cry a single tear. I would actually be SO FREAKING happy that I never ever had to see him again and never ever be forced to BE THE BAD guy again!
I'm going to suggest therapy for my husband and me. Hopefully, we can get a therapist who will not report it and we can talk about it and figure out how to move forward within our marriage. I think we need to have some ground rules for engaging with the abusing child - who is not a child and wasn't a child when it happened! Another reason he didn't just 'change' who he was!
And because on Sunday I held firm to my boundaries, my husband still isn't talking to me. At the last minute, he changed the plans we had and wanted me to either 1. drive down alone to Toronto to see my son play hockey or 2. drive with the abuser in the car for over an hour! And pretend like everything is fine and dandy!
THINGS ARE NOT FINE AND DANDY! This whole thing has me literally considering divorce. My husband says I'm 'stuck with him' for life, but if forced to choose between my son and my husband, I would choose my son so if I make him choose - guess where I will land.
I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF PAYING FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S MISTAKES!!!!
I'm not a door mat. I'm not someone to be used and taken advantage of. I'm so fucking sick of it. Friends, family, clients - everyone thinks they can just walk all over me and take whatever they want! I'm DONE!! No more!
I'm holding firm to my boundaries and if you don't like it - GO FUCK YOURSELF!
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