I've been seeing Tamari now for over a year. I don't know the exact date I first saw her (I should ask) but I've covered a lot of ground. Friend issues, boundaries, issues in our marriage (past and present), and of course the biggest and most shameful one to me - the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.
I told my two oldest sons about the sexual abuse. I didn't mention names, or if those people are a part of our lives anymore, but I told them that I was dealing with this abuse. I wanted to tell them the whole reason I am doing this is for them - I want to break the cycle of generational trauma.
I just don't know if it's working! I mean I love Tamari. I love talking to her. She's like a friend. She laughs and frowns and really justifies my feelings. And she's a therapist so it makes me feel completely validated in what I'm feeling at the time. She hasn't yet told me I'm wrong (is this bad? I can't ALWAYS be right) and I just like talking to her. But can I get the same effect by talking to a friend? I don't think I have a friend (anymore) that I can tell everything to like I tell Tamari. So maybe there's that. Well, that sucks. I pay $170/week to have a good friend.
I do feel like I am calmer, generally happier, and seem to be able to react to stress a bit better. (winces as I remember getting frustrated with our business partner last night...and ultimately I won the argument. LOL)
<insert large break here...where I freak out on Blaine because he refuses to listen to me>
Soooo...is it working?! I certainly didn't seem to be more calm today around Blaine. I recovered. But I did storm out of the car, slammed the car door, and stomped angrily into the house. And Paul calmed me down. How does he do that?!
I guess part of me feels like I am taking my mental health into my own hands. I've struggled with depression for years and for the first time in my life, I feel like I AM the one guiding my mental health, instead of my mental health being something I deal with. I feel like I am being proactive with my mental health and not reactive. It's not something I dread that will come out of nowhere and derail my entire life.
So is it working? Well I guess I'm not a completely different person, but I am more aware of my boundaries. I'm aware of putting myself first. Holding firm to what I believe is best for me, even if it means that upsets other people. I've been a people pleaser my entire life and it's HARD for me to put myself first. It's easier to just make everyone else happy.
So from the outside looking in, maybe you don't see a difference. But I do. Slowly. I'm not a completely new person just yet. I'm evolving.
And I guess that's the best any one can hope for.
💜
No comments:
Post a Comment