Blaine Blowout

 

So Paul and Blaine got into it yesterday.  Blaine went completely ballistic.  Foaming at the mouth, screaming, dumping the contents of our medicine cabinet claiming he was going to kill himself.  Then he reached for the knife block.  

Funny aside here, we've already locked up all the medications so he grabbed a bottle of Gravol.  LOL.  Maybe I should have let him take it.  He would have just passed out for the afternoon!  

All because Paul asked him, again, to take his army stuff down to the basement.  He brought it home last Wednesday, so now the following Monday we were growing impatient about him moving it.  

Again he said he was going to do it at 2 pm, and Paul asked him to please take it downstairs now and he could label it whenever he wanted to.  

And then the fight started escalating more and more until Blaine was foaming at the mouth screaming for Paul to shut up and Paul just stood there saying, "I'm not going to shut up in my own house!  If you don't want to hear me, leave or go to your room" and Blaine kept screaming.  

Kiefer started crying and covered his ears and ran upstairs.  And I was stuck in the middle of it all playing referee.  AGAIN.  

I can't do it anymore.  My emotional state can't take it.  I'm going to have to be the one who learns to walk away!  

I feel like I really miss out on having a best friend.  The kind of friend you could tell anything to.  Confide in.  Really show your true self to.  

I believe Paul is my best friend.  He's seen sides of me I show no one.  But he's not a female best friend.  

I feel judged by K.  I feel inferior to L - a bit like it's a superficial relationship.  Not deep.  I feel like I have to be a certain someone around N.  G is just a complete pain in my ass.  A good heart - but rides me like a rented mule.  J is family and a good friend but she has a busy life with little kids.  

I feel lonely.  No one who I can be my true self with.  And if I think about it, I wonder who my true self is!  

I guess that's why journaling has become so important for me.  And my therapy appointments.  Maybe I project a friendship onto my therapist because I feel so lacking in having a true friend.  

Maybe my version of true friendship doesn't exist.  If anyone saw my real true self I wouldn't be 'friend' material.  I'd just be the crazy complaining chick who can't hold her shit together.  Although, Paul sees all of that and still accepts me.  

Getting tired of writing.  Also can't seem to keep focus right now.  Ending here.  Seems unfinished but what else is new?

Missed appointment...

 

I missed therapy this morning because I just couldn't do it.  I thought about making it a Zoom call, but I didn't have the strength to even get out of bed.  I'm finding the appointments very hard lately.  I'm having to force myself to make them.  I guess I'll need to talk to Tamari about that.  It's not going to be effective if I'm missing them.  But it also isn't effective if I'm dreading them.  

I carry too much guilt.  I was charged for the appointment and my therapist surely used the time.  She probably went for lunch early, or transcribed notes.  I'm almost certain she didn't sit and do nothing for the hour.  But I still feel guilty.  

My parents had to put down their dog (or rather my brother's dog that became their dog) today.  Piper was 13 years old.  He was a feisty little guy.  But very sweet.  And he loved Parker.  And he loved Uncle Tom.  Apparently, my brother is taking it very hard.  Which is a bit weird since the dog didn't even live with him for the last 10 years.  But a pet is a pet, and he does see the dog every day while working with Dad so I'm not going to judge or pretend to know what he's going through.  

I had lunch with Kathy, Amanda, and Sabrina at Kathy's house today.  It was so nice catching up with the girls.  Made me realize I NEED to sew more.  I love sewing.  And I love seeing the finished product when it's all done.  And then getting to say, "I MADE THAT!"

It's snowing pretty heavily here.  I have down that I need to do the main floors and dust and clean the basement.  But all the kids are home now (2:48 pm) and I don't want to do any of that.  

I think I'm going to surprise Paul with a hotel room Friday night and book a hotel room so we can have sex!  

Going to do some research on that now.  

💜

Valentine's Day

 

Today is Valentine's Day.  

I have planned a full 'heart shaped' menu.  Parker is bringing his girlfriend, Nyla, and her friend Ava.  Blaine is bringing his boyfriend Quincy and Paul and Kiefer and I will round out the group.  

Parker started the day with saying he didn't want to go to work and crying.  He needs more sleep.  But he doesn't have good habits!  Ugh!!!  He drives me crazy.  I dragged him out of bed and got him going.  Only to have him sent home later that morning.  But he didn't come home.  I don't know where he went as he's not answering his phone or texts.  

Blaine got off okay today to his 'kitting' for the army reserves.  He seems pretty excited about the whole thing.  He looked very proud up there swearing allegiance to the King.  I hope he sticks with it and it takes his life in a good direction.  I am jealous of him to have this opportunity.  

Kiefer is steady Eddy and got ready no issues at got to school mostly on time.  :D 

And now it's 2:00 pm and I don't want to do the big dinner I've been planning for weeks because I am over run and worn out.  

So I'm off to get Kiefer now.