Sunday, March 24, 2024

Arguing with the hubs...

 


Here I am thinking that we had a great day at the market.  Completely sold out of cinnamon rolls.  Not a single roll in the whole booth to sell.  

I got home at about 4:15 and immediately Paul starts in on me.  

"What are you teaching her??  Did you have a full window at 3 pm??"

I replied, "No we didn't have a full window all day.  We completely sold out"

He gets even more defensive.

"So you had a full window at 3 pm and sold out when??"

Again I tell him, "no we didn't have a full window.  We had a full window once today for about 2 minutes.  And we sold out" 

There was not a cinnamon roll to be sold.  WE SOLD OUT.  I'm not sure what he didn't understand about that.  

He thinks I'm an idiot.  He thinks I don't know how to do my job or that I slack off or something.  

I'm so angry right now I'm seeing red.  

<leave to go make dinner.  Made dinner for Paul but he's not eating dinner.  Because he's sucking out like a fucking little baby and I'm so tired of this shit!!!!  Grow the fuck up!!!!  Stop having suck outs as a grown fucking man!!!!>

So now I've had my dinner (chicken skewers, tzatziki and greek salad - YUMMY!!) and I ask Paul, "What did I do??"  

He yells back, "WHAT DID I DO?"  

What the actual fuck?  Can you not answer a fucking question???

You yelled at me the second I got in the door.  

No you weren't explaining yourself clear enough.  What does "sell out" usually mean??  It means you had a full window and then sold out.  So why didn't you put more on??  

WE SOLD OUT.  We don't have a fucking roll to sell.  THAT'S WHAT SELL OUT MEANS!!!!

So it's MY fault that I wasn't clear enough.  Never mind that he immediately goes to I don't know how to do my fucking job or that he treats me like a fucking baby.  "Use your words!!"

I just can't with the suck attacks.  And if I just took off and 'drove around' for an hour he would be PISSED.  But for him, it's okay.  For him, it's always ok.  He gets to act the way he wants all the fucking time and I just tip toe around him because that's my fucking life.  



Wednesday, March 13, 2024

What would I say to Mum...


 

I know you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.  I know you love us all fiercely.  

I need you to stop parenting me.  I need you to stop parenting my children.  I need your support.  I need your help.  NOT raising my kids.  I need to feel like you actually LIKE spending time with me.  That I'm worth spending time with.  I need you to say I'm doing a good job.  I need you to say that you see me trying to be the best Mom I can be.  I need you to feel like my kids are lucky to have a mom like me.  

I need you to not take everything so damn personally.  If I have an opinion, that's not a personal attack.  It's just an opinion.  I KNOW how you raised us.  And I KNOW that I'm raising my kids differently.  I'd like to think I'm raising them with the same ideas and morals that you instilled in us.  It just looks different to you.  It's not the same.  But guess what?  The world isn't the same either.  

We are dealing with so much more.  Social media, the internet, influencers, the "I need it now" mentality of society today.  And we have taken steps to learn.  Parenting classes for teenagers.  Reading books and getting better.  Talking to therapists.  Helping our kids regulate their own emotions.  

Mental health is the new buzzphrase on the street, but we are doing more than dropping them in a conversation.  We are living the words.  We are walking the walk and talking the talk.  SO much talking.  

I need you to know that you tore me down.  You shamed me at so many turns.  My abuse is NOT my shame to carry and if someone finds out about it, then so be it.  It's something that happened TO ME.  It's nothing I asked for.  No, I'm not proud of it.  But it happened.  And the shame is NOT mine.  So if I leave a book on my bed in the basement, there's no shame there.  I refuse to live a life of shame and secrets.  I can't take it anymore.  And you can't continue to gaslight me.  You refused to come to one of my therapy appointments.  Your words were (and I'll never forget) "it's not my problem to fix.  It's YOUR problem".  You didn't emphasize the YOUR but it was in my mind.  You MADE it my problem.  And my shame.  And it's not.  And that was wrong.  So very very wrong.  

I can't do the emotional blackmail anymore.  I can have an opinion or thought and it doesn't warrant the silent treatment and then a burst of emotion (tears and screaming) afterward.  

I wonder what you really think of our relationship.  Do you want more from it?  What do I do that drives you nuts?  How can I be a better daughter to you?  

I'm tired.  I try to plan family events.  I try to plan social activities for us to get together but it seems like at every turn you are not including me.  

I'm actually so done I don't even want to spend any more time on this journal entry.  It's sad.  You have a daughter who wants so desperately to be your friend, and you push her away at every turn.  You have grandchildren who could benefit from your presence, yet you refuse to take part in their lives in a meaningful way.  I love that you came to hockey games and dance recitals, but REAL life is more than that.  It's getting down in the mud WITH your family.  

I feel sad for you and vow to not repeat the same mistakes.  





Thursday, March 7, 2024

I fucked up



I completely fucked up.  

I went to bed Tuesday night and Parker had not yet returned home.  When I woke up Wednesday morning he was not in his bed.  I might add that his bed looked exactly like it did the night before.  He told me he left for work super early but I had my suspicions that he never returned home the night before.  

I went about my day and when Blaine got home, I looked on his phone to see that Parker posted a picture on Snapchat in someone elses bed saying "couldn't sleep at all last night" or something of the sort.  Posted at 7 am in the morning.  So to me, it confirmed my suspicions that he didn't return home last night and spent the night in someone elses bed.  

Then when I called him, he said he was at the side of the road sleeping.  Sounded weird to me too.  I told him to come home that it was time for dinner.  

He came home and I asked him where he was all night.  He told me that he was at home.  And that he left super early for work.  I spoke to my brother and he didn't get to work super early so something didn't add up.  I yelled at him and called him a liar and accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriends best friend.  (That's who's bed it was).  

Well, I was wrong.  Confirmed by ex girlfriends best friend and her mother.  Also confirmed was that he DID leave her house around midnight and come home.  Whether or not he slept in his car all afternoon was a mute point.  

So Parker stormed out of the house screaming that he hates being at home and he will NEVER return.  He has texted me several times to confirm he is never returning.  

I go to a very negative place when I screw up.  Like I was a mistake to begin with.  I mean I was.  Barb had sex at 16 (or was raped) and I came along.  She was too scared to tell her parents and by the time they could 'address' it all it was too late for an abortion. I was literally a mistake.  And when you don't believe in God, or at the very least have a really hard time seeing his presence in your life, you FEEL like a mistake.  And that's where I go.  I'm a big fucking mistake.  

And then I continue to beat myself up.  Like I fuck up everything.  I fucked up school.  I fucked up my life by not persuing a career of my own.  By not being able to take care of myself.  I'm a drain and a parasite.  Really dark hurtful things.  

Would I say these things to my friends?  FUCK NO.  So why do I say them to myself?  

So if I'm a mistake are Parker, Blaine and Kiefer a mistake?  They are all amazing.  They are the best parts of me.  Okay like I'm not an idiot and they are not perfect but they are wonderful human beings.  

Parker is soft and warm and loves children and animals.  He has a giving heart.  He is protective.  

Blaine is feirce like his mom.  He has a hard exterior but a warm and gooey center.  He was so protective of me last night after our fight too.  I love that about both my older boys.  They love their mom so much.  

Kiefer is just pure innocence and goodness.  He is love and warm and trust.  He is so sensitive and loves so deeply.  

How could a mistake make them??  Raise them?  

I need to coach myself to do better.  To treat myself better.  

I am NOT a mistake.  I am meant to be here.  I am meant to be their mother.  

💜

 




Monday, March 4, 2024

Feeling Lost...


 I feel like the girl in this picture is me.  Except all I can think about is how cold my butt would be sitting on the ground.  I would find a stump or something to sit on.  

But I digress.  I feel completely lost lately.  Wondering what way do I go next?  I want to contribute to the family financially.  Paul keeps saying that I don't have to work.  But I WANT to work.  I want to be able to help move our family forward.  I want to have something that is all my own.  I want to have something to be proud of.  

More than anything, I want to live my life a certain way and enjoy certain niceties, and I don't want to rely on anyone to provide them for me, or my kids.  I want Paul to enjoy them all too, but I don't want him to think that everything has to come from him.  

Paul talks about the burden of being the breadwinner and the stress it puts on him.  I hate that I don't make enough that he couldn't just quit his job and find something new knowing that I could keep the family afloat with what I make.  

I've decided to dedicate myself to my real estate career this year.  I want to door knock, mail out items of value, do pop-bys, do the whole nine yards.  If I can do that consistently for the next year, I should be good.  

The problem is finding the time!  Which is what makes me worry about a full-time job.  How am I going to manage that if I can't even manage a few hours a day working on real estate?

I like real estate.  I actually love real estate.  I just hate GETTING clients.  So I need to work like a dog to have a business that is going to carry itself.  Get my name and reputation out there so people can remember me and call me when they need me.  

But what if that isn't the job for me?  When I hear the phrase, "Remember who you are" I have to stop and think about who that is for me?  WHO IS Krista Birkbeck?

And maybe that's why I feel so lost.  You can't figure out where you are going unless you know WHERE you ARE.  And I really don't know where I am right now at all.  

I'm in the weeds of therapy dealing with past traumas.  It's fucking awful.  I want to say it's great and I'm making progress and it's sunshine and lollipops, but it's fucking awful and I dread it every week.  (This week I have a break...thank goodness).  

I am hoping (praying) that I can make real estate work.  I NEED to make real estate work.  I have so much debt to pay off and I need to make money for our family.  

Please Dear God, if you are there, help me stay focused and get more clients in real estate so I can spend time with my kids and husband and help financially around the house.  Amen. 






Friday, March 1, 2024

Psychedelic Therapy


 

I've been doing some reading on psychedelic therapy and how it can help patients get over what deep-seated issues they may have.  

I've been feeling like I've been stuck lately in my therapy.  I can't seem to break through to the next level of healing or insights.  

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and get high for my next therapy session.  I've been doing EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprogramming) and for a little while seemed to be moving along okay.  Slow but moving.  Then recently, for whatever reason, I just feel stuck.  Like wheels are turning but I'm not moving anywhere.  

So, Paul agreed to let me get high on CBD/THC and he would drive me to my appointment.  Funny this is, I got high and then couldn't remember where we were going.  We were completely at the wrong end of Orillia.  Paul was doing a meeting in the car so I couldn't interrupt him and tell him we were nowhere near where we were supposed to be.  

We did end up finding the right location and getting there on time.  I had a good laugh over entering the address AFTER I was hopped up on gummies.  

We started the session catching up and I informed Tamari right away that I was under the influence.  We got the catch-up out of the way and I was excited to start the session.  

We started the EMDR in the usual way and the usual questions. Immediately a LOT of emotions came up for me.  It was hard for me to express what I was feeling.  

For the first time in my sessions, I felt connected with that girl.  The girl who was being abused.  In past sessions, I would recall the memory but I wouldn't be there.  This time, it felt like I was transported back and I was there with that girl.  I was scared.  For the first time, I felt fear.  I don't even remember feeling fear at the time.  

It felt hard to breathe.  I was crying almost uncontrollably.  I was scared.  And I was so ashamed.  This was my father.  Someone whom I was supposed to trust.  Someone who was supposed to be taking care of me.  And he wasn't.  He was destroying me.  It was gross.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to run.  But the worst of it all was that it felt good.  How could my body betray me like this?  This is gross and awful and SO SHAMEFUL.  Typing this I want to barf.  It makes me so angry and grossed out all at once.  And yet, my body betrayed me.  

And then the fear again.  Tamari is going to judge me.  She's going to think I'm the most fucked up individual ever.  How can I be such a traitor?  I'm a fake.  A liar.  This is going to destroy any and all the relationships I have.  

I told Tamari how I was feeling despite everything in my body screaming not to.  My body felt like it was buzzing.  I felt pain everywhere.  I had to drop the handheld buzzers.  

I don't want to do this anymore.  It hurts.  It's hard.  I don't feel any better.  I continually feel worse and worse.  

I came up with a few thoughts while in my state of mind. 

"Sex is shameful"

"It's my fault for what happened" (I know in my head it's not)

"It's too late to tell my truth"

"It's selfish to tell my truth"

"Some secrets are worth keeping"

"I am not garbage"

"I am worth loving"



Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Blaine Blowout


 

So Paul and Blaine got into it yesterday.  Blaine went completely ballistic.  Foaming at the mouth, screaming, dumping the contents of our medicine cabinet claiming he was going to kill himself.  Then he reached for the knife block.  

Funny aside here, we've already locked up all the medications so he grabbed a bottle of Gravol.  LOL.  Maybe I should have let him take it.  He would have just passed out for the afternoon!  

All because Paul asked him, again, to take his army stuff down to the basement.  He brought it home last Wednesday, so now the following Monday we were growing impatient about him moving it.  

Again he said he was going to do it at 2 pm, and Paul asked him to please take it downstairs now and he could label it whenever he wanted to.  

And then the fight started escalating more and more until Blaine was foaming at the mouth screaming for Paul to shut up and Paul just stood there saying, "I'm not going to shut up in my own house!  If you don't want to hear me, leave or go to your room" and Blaine kept screaming.  

Kiefer started crying and covered his ears and ran upstairs.  And I was stuck in the middle of it all playing referee.  AGAIN.  

I can't do it anymore.  My emotional state can't take it.  I'm going to have to be the one who learns to walk away!  

I feel like I really miss out on having a best friend.  The kind of friend you could tell anything to.  Confide in.  Really show your true self to.  

I believe Paul is my best friend.  He's seen sides of me I show no one.  But he's not a female best friend.  

I feel judged by K.  I feel inferior to L - a bit like it's a superficial relationship.  Not deep.  I feel like I have to be a certain someone around N.  G is just a complete pain in my ass.  A good heart - but rides me like a rented mule.  J is family and a good friend but she has a busy life with little kids.  

I feel lonely.  No one who I can be my true self with.  And if I think about it, I wonder who my true self is!  

I guess that's why journaling has become so important for me.  And my therapy appointments.  Maybe I project a friendship onto my therapist because I feel so lacking in having a true friend.  

Maybe my version of true friendship doesn't exist.  If anyone saw my real true self I wouldn't be 'friend' material.  I'd just be the crazy complaining chick who can't hold her shit together.  Although, Paul sees all of that and still accepts me.  

Getting tired of writing.  Also can't seem to keep focus right now.  Ending here.  Seems unfinished but what else is new?


Thursday, February 15, 2024

Missed appointment...


 

I missed therapy this morning because I just couldn't do it.  I thought about making it a Zoom call, but I didn't have the strength to even get out of bed.  I'm finding the appointments very hard lately.  I'm having to force myself to make them.  I guess I'll need to talk to Tamari about that.  It's not going to be effective if I'm missing them.  But it also isn't effective if I'm dreading them.  

I carry too much guilt.  I was charged for the appointment and my therapist surely used the time.  She probably went for lunch early, or transcribed notes.  I'm almost certain she didn't sit and do nothing for the hour.  But I still feel guilty.  

My parents had to put down their dog (or rather my brother's dog that became their dog) today.  Piper was 13 years old.  He was a feisty little guy.  But very sweet.  And he loved Parker.  And he loved Uncle Tom.  Apparently, my brother is taking it very hard.  Which is a bit weird since the dog didn't even live with him for the last 10 years.  But a pet is a pet, and he does see the dog every day while working with Dad so I'm not going to judge or pretend to know what he's going through.  

I had lunch with Kathy, Amanda, and Sabrina at Kathy's house today.  It was so nice catching up with the girls.  Made me realize I NEED to sew more.  I love sewing.  And I love seeing the finished product when it's all done.  And then getting to say, "I MADE THAT!"

It's snowing pretty heavily here.  I have down that I need to do the main floors and dust and clean the basement.  But all the kids are home now (2:48 pm) and I don't want to do any of that.  

I think I'm going to surprise Paul with a hotel room Friday night and book a hotel room so we can have sex!  

Going to do some research on that now.  

💜