Feeling good...but poor

I have had a few really good days.  It feels weird to even type that, but when you are battling mental illness, you really do take each day as they come.  It's actually rare when you start to put together a few days in a row when you are feeling strong and healthy.  Those days are dangerous because then the fall can creep up on you when you least expect it.  But I'm starting to learn to appreciate those days and live in the moment.  Knowing that 'the moment' can end at any time.   

So I feel good, strong, and healthy.  But poor.  Paul informed me our credit cards have reached their max again.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I don't even use the credit card that much.  I try my best to keep to my $500 a week - which seems like a lot but man it goes fast.  I don't know how people live.  Or I don't know what we are doing wrong.  But it needs to get under control and fast.  

And then yesterday Paul informed me that a recession is on its way.  TD has put on a hiring freeze.  Oh great.  And I thought I might get back into project management.  I guess that's not happening.  Or I better dust off my resume and make it shiny and bright real fast.  

AAAAND, on top of all of that, we are hosting Thanksgiving this year at the cottage.  So not only is the dinner financially going to be draining, the whole emotion of the whole event is going to be draining.  Like a lot.  

And that makes me feel weak.  Like I can't handle things.

When I was a little girl, I used to have this image of a strong, slim, healthy woman who was powerful and decisive and had her SHIT together.  And that woman was me.  I was going to be well-dressed, successful, and a powerful woman in what I did.  

I feel so far away from that image.  SO FAR.  I feel weak, fat, unhealthy (both physically and mentally).  I don't feel like my poop is in any sort of group.  

I want to be that woman.  I just don't know what I'm meant to do in this world.  I know I'm meant to be here.  I'm beyond that now.  Or I try to be every day.  I love my kids more than anything in the whole world and I will live just for them if that's all I'm meant to do.  But I just wish I KNEW what that thing was.  So I could have peace surrounding it.  

As weird as this might seem, perhaps I just need to pray on it.  

Until I reach those goals, keep on keeping on and chin up and big girl panties on.  

💜