Blaine Blowout

 

So Paul and Blaine got into it yesterday.  Blaine went completely ballistic.  Foaming at the mouth, screaming, dumping the contents of our medicine cabinet claiming he was going to kill himself.  Then he reached for the knife block.  

Funny aside here, we've already locked up all the medications so he grabbed a bottle of Gravol.  LOL.  Maybe I should have let him take it.  He would have just passed out for the afternoon!  

All because Paul asked him, again, to take his army stuff down to the basement.  He brought it home last Wednesday, so now the following Monday we were growing impatient about him moving it.  

Again he said he was going to do it at 2 pm, and Paul asked him to please take it downstairs now and he could label it whenever he wanted to.  

And then the fight started escalating more and more until Blaine was foaming at the mouth screaming for Paul to shut up and Paul just stood there saying, "I'm not going to shut up in my own house!  If you don't want to hear me, leave or go to your room" and Blaine kept screaming.  

Kiefer started crying and covered his ears and ran upstairs.  And I was stuck in the middle of it all playing referee.  AGAIN.  

I can't do it anymore.  My emotional state can't take it.  I'm going to have to be the one who learns to walk away!  

I feel like I really miss out on having a best friend.  The kind of friend you could tell anything to.  Confide in.  Really show your true self to.  

I believe Paul is my best friend.  He's seen sides of me I show no one.  But he's not a female best friend.  

I feel judged by K.  I feel inferior to L - a bit like it's a superficial relationship.  Not deep.  I feel like I have to be a certain someone around N.  G is just a complete pain in my ass.  A good heart - but rides me like a rented mule.  J is family and a good friend but she has a busy life with little kids.  

I feel lonely.  No one who I can be my true self with.  And if I think about it, I wonder who my true self is!  

I guess that's why journaling has become so important for me.  And my therapy appointments.  Maybe I project a friendship onto my therapist because I feel so lacking in having a true friend.  

Maybe my version of true friendship doesn't exist.  If anyone saw my real true self I wouldn't be 'friend' material.  I'd just be the crazy complaining chick who can't hold her shit together.  Although, Paul sees all of that and still accepts me.  

Getting tired of writing.  Also can't seem to keep focus right now.  Ending here.  Seems unfinished but what else is new?