I went to bed Tuesday night and Parker had not yet returned home. When I woke up Wednesday morning he was not in his bed. I might add that his bed looked exactly like it did the night before. He told me he left for work super early but I had my suspicions that he never returned home the night before.
I went about my day and when Blaine got home, I looked on his phone to see that Parker posted a picture on Snapchat in someone elses bed saying "couldn't sleep at all last night" or something of the sort. Posted at 7 am in the morning. So to me, it confirmed my suspicions that he didn't return home last night and spent the night in someone elses bed.
Then when I called him, he said he was at the side of the road sleeping. Sounded weird to me too. I told him to come home that it was time for dinner.
He came home and I asked him where he was all night. He told me that he was at home. And that he left super early for work. I spoke to my brother and he didn't get to work super early so something didn't add up. I yelled at him and called him a liar and accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriends best friend. (That's who's bed it was).
Well, I was wrong. Confirmed by ex girlfriends best friend and her mother. Also confirmed was that he DID leave her house around midnight and come home. Whether or not he slept in his car all afternoon was a mute point.
So Parker stormed out of the house screaming that he hates being at home and he will NEVER return. He has texted me several times to confirm he is never returning.
I go to a very negative place when I screw up. Like I was a mistake to begin with. I mean I was. Barb had sex at 16 (or was raped) and I came along. She was too scared to tell her parents and by the time they could 'address' it all it was too late for an abortion. I was literally a mistake. And when you don't believe in God, or at the very least have a really hard time seeing his presence in your life, you FEEL like a mistake. And that's where I go. I'm a big fucking mistake.
And then I continue to beat myself up. Like I fuck up everything. I fucked up school. I fucked up my life by not persuing a career of my own. By not being able to take care of myself. I'm a drain and a parasite. Really dark hurtful things.
Would I say these things to my friends? FUCK NO. So why do I say them to myself?
So if I'm a mistake are Parker, Blaine and Kiefer a mistake? They are all amazing. They are the best parts of me. Okay like I'm not an idiot and they are not perfect but they are wonderful human beings.
Parker is soft and warm and loves children and animals. He has a giving heart. He is protective.
Blaine is feirce like his mom. He has a hard exterior but a warm and gooey center. He was so protective of me last night after our fight too. I love that about both my older boys. They love their mom so much.
Kiefer is just pure innocence and goodness. He is love and warm and trust. He is so sensitive and loves so deeply.
How could a mistake make them?? Raise them?
I need to coach myself to do better. To treat myself better.
I am NOT a mistake. I am meant to be here. I am meant to be their mother.
💜
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