Psychedelic Therapy

 

I've been doing some reading on psychedelic therapy and how it can help patients get over what deep-seated issues they may have.  

I've been feeling like I've been stuck lately in my therapy.  I can't seem to break through to the next level of healing or insights.  

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and get high for my next therapy session.  I've been doing EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprogramming) and for a little while seemed to be moving along okay.  Slow but moving.  Then recently, for whatever reason, I just feel stuck.  Like wheels are turning but I'm not moving anywhere.  

So, Paul agreed to let me get high on CBD/THC and he would drive me to my appointment.  Funny this is, I got high and then couldn't remember where we were going.  We were completely at the wrong end of Orillia.  Paul was doing a meeting in the car so I couldn't interrupt him and tell him we were nowhere near where we were supposed to be.  

We did end up finding the right location and getting there on time.  I had a good laugh over entering the address AFTER I was hopped up on gummies.  

We started the session catching up and I informed Tamari right away that I was under the influence.  We got the catch-up out of the way and I was excited to start the session.  

We started the EMDR in the usual way and the usual questions. Immediately a LOT of emotions came up for me.  It was hard for me to express what I was feeling.  

For the first time in my sessions, I felt connected with that girl.  The girl who was being abused.  In past sessions, I would recall the memory but I wouldn't be there.  This time, it felt like I was transported back and I was there with that girl.  I was scared.  For the first time, I felt fear.  I don't even remember feeling fear at the time.  

It felt hard to breathe.  I was crying almost uncontrollably.  I was scared.  And I was so ashamed.  This was my father.  Someone whom I was supposed to trust.  Someone who was supposed to be taking care of me.  And he wasn't.  He was destroying me.  It was gross.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to run.  But the worst of it all was that it felt good.  How could my body betray me like this?  This is gross and awful and SO SHAMEFUL.  Typing this I want to barf.  It makes me so angry and grossed out all at once.  And yet, my body betrayed me.  

And then the fear again.  Tamari is going to judge me.  She's going to think I'm the most fucked up individual ever.  How can I be such a traitor?  I'm a fake.  A liar.  This is going to destroy any and all the relationships I have.  

I told Tamari how I was feeling despite everything in my body screaming not to.  My body felt like it was buzzing.  I felt pain everywhere.  I had to drop the handheld buzzers.  

I don't want to do this anymore.  It hurts.  It's hard.  I don't feel any better.  I continually feel worse and worse.  

I came up with a few thoughts while in my state of mind. 

"Sex is shameful"

"It's my fault for what happened" (I know in my head it's not)

"It's too late to tell my truth"

"It's selfish to tell my truth"

"Some secrets are worth keeping"

"I am not garbage"

"I am worth loving"