What would I say to Mum...

 

I know you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.  I know you love us all fiercely.  

I need you to stop parenting me.  I need you to stop parenting my children.  I need your support.  I need your help.  NOT raising my kids.  I need to feel like you actually LIKE spending time with me.  That I'm worth spending time with.  I need you to say I'm doing a good job.  I need you to say that you see me trying to be the best Mom I can be.  I need you to feel like my kids are lucky to have a mom like me.  

I need you to not take everything so damn personally.  If I have an opinion, that's not a personal attack.  It's just an opinion.  I KNOW how you raised us.  And I KNOW that I'm raising my kids differently.  I'd like to think I'm raising them with the same ideas and morals that you instilled in us.  It just looks different to you.  It's not the same.  But guess what?  The world isn't the same either.  

We are dealing with so much more.  Social media, the internet, influencers, the "I need it now" mentality of society today.  And we have taken steps to learn.  Parenting classes for teenagers.  Reading books and getting better.  Talking to therapists.  Helping our kids regulate their own emotions.  

Mental health is the new buzzphrase on the street, but we are doing more than dropping them in a conversation.  We are living the words.  We are walking the walk and talking the talk.  SO much talking.  

I need you to know that you tore me down.  You shamed me at so many turns.  My abuse is NOT my shame to carry and if someone finds out about it, then so be it.  It's something that happened TO ME.  It's nothing I asked for.  No, I'm not proud of it.  But it happened.  And the shame is NOT mine.  So if I leave a book on my bed in the basement, there's no shame there.  I refuse to live a life of shame and secrets.  I can't take it anymore.  And you can't continue to gaslight me.  You refused to come to one of my therapy appointments.  Your words were (and I'll never forget) "it's not my problem to fix.  It's YOUR problem".  You didn't emphasize the YOUR but it was in my mind.  You MADE it my problem.  And my shame.  And it's not.  And that was wrong.  So very very wrong.  

I can't do the emotional blackmail anymore.  I can have an opinion or thought and it doesn't warrant the silent treatment and then a burst of emotion (tears and screaming) afterward.  

I wonder what you really think of our relationship.  Do you want more from it?  What do I do that drives you nuts?  How can I be a better daughter to you?  

I'm tired.  I try to plan family events.  I try to plan social activities for us to get together but it seems like at every turn you are not including me.  

I'm actually so done I don't even want to spend any more time on this journal entry.  It's sad.  You have a daughter who wants so desperately to be your friend, and you push her away at every turn.  You have grandchildren who could benefit from your presence, yet you refuse to take part in their lives in a meaningful way.  I love that you came to hockey games and dance recitals, but REAL life is more than that.  It's getting down in the mud WITH your family.  

I feel sad for you and vow to not repeat the same mistakes.