Feeling Lost...

 I feel like the girl in this picture is me.  Except all I can think about is how cold my butt would be sitting on the ground.  I would find a stump or something to sit on.  

But I digress.  I feel completely lost lately.  Wondering what way do I go next?  I want to contribute to the family financially.  Paul keeps saying that I don't have to work.  But I WANT to work.  I want to be able to help move our family forward.  I want to have something that is all my own.  I want to have something to be proud of.  

More than anything, I want to live my life a certain way and enjoy certain niceties, and I don't want to rely on anyone to provide them for me, or my kids.  I want Paul to enjoy them all too, but I don't want him to think that everything has to come from him.  

Paul talks about the burden of being the breadwinner and the stress it puts on him.  I hate that I don't make enough that he couldn't just quit his job and find something new knowing that I could keep the family afloat with what I make.  

I've decided to dedicate myself to my real estate career this year.  I want to door knock, mail out items of value, do pop-bys, do the whole nine yards.  If I can do that consistently for the next year, I should be good.  

The problem is finding the time!  Which is what makes me worry about a full-time job.  How am I going to manage that if I can't even manage a few hours a day working on real estate?

I like real estate.  I actually love real estate.  I just hate GETTING clients.  So I need to work like a dog to have a business that is going to carry itself.  Get my name and reputation out there so people can remember me and call me when they need me.  

But what if that isn't the job for me?  When I hear the phrase, "Remember who you are" I have to stop and think about who that is for me?  WHO IS Krista Birkbeck?

And maybe that's why I feel so lost.  You can't figure out where you are going unless you know WHERE you ARE.  And I really don't know where I am right now at all.  

I'm in the weeds of therapy dealing with past traumas.  It's fucking awful.  I want to say it's great and I'm making progress and it's sunshine and lollipops, but it's fucking awful and I dread it every week.  (This week I have a break...thank goodness).  

I am hoping (praying) that I can make real estate work.  I NEED to make real estate work.  I have so much debt to pay off and I need to make money for our family.  

Please Dear God, if you are there, help me stay focused and get more clients in real estate so I can spend time with my kids and husband and help financially around the house.  Amen.