I NEED to heal

 

This healing shit is not for the faint of heart.  

I had another session last week on Thursday (January 25th) and it was hard.  Lots of crying in that one.  And while I want to believe the deep feeling and the crying mean something (like healing or moving forward) I don't FEEL any different.  

Not like I think I'm going to leave therapy with a 'dance through the streets in a flashmob' sort of feeling - but it would be nice!  

I just find it incredibly difficult to continue to do something and see very little progress - or extremely slow progress.  It's why I've never been good at sticking to a diet or workout routine.  I can't seem to get past the slow going.  

But my head knows that consistency is the key to success in everything.  At least that is what the internet and most books would have me believe.  There is no magic pill.  No wonder campaign that is going to solve all your problems with one monthly fee or one morning pill.  If someone could come up with that, they would be RICH!  

How do I heal with the strife in this house!  Blaine doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.  I can't even write a FUCKING JOURNAL entry without a fight breaking out between Paul and Blaine and me having to leave the room and intervene.  

I feel like I can't anymore.  I can't do this life.  

I can't constantly struggle with my own mental health.  I can't juggle the mental health of my kids while they fight me the whole way.  I can't manage my kids education while they fight me the whole way.  I can't manage my husband, who, sometimes, acts like a child himself!  I just want to scream at everyone to grow the fuck up and manage their own selves so I can manage me!!!!  

Managing ME seems like a full fucking time job.  And then I have Paul sending me fucking job postings like I'm supposed to jump all over them when I can barely manage the business we have, my real estate business and the children we have.  Never mind the house, the chores, the cleaning, the cooking, the making the appointments, taking the kids to said appointments, following up, etc etc etc.

I want to get off this merry go round of fucking life.  I want a break.  And not just from life, from my own fucking head.