Betrayal

 Betrayal is defined as "violation of a person's trust or confidence, of a moral standard, etc."

I feel as if I have been betrayed by a friend group of mine.  I started a quilting weekend group.  Karen, a long time quilting friend, didn't have many quilting friends of our age so I ended up inviting most of the group.  She had one friend she invited but has since cut from the group.  Well, most recently, I myself have been cut from the group.  From a group that I CREATED.  None of the girls would even know each other if it weren't for me (minus one girl that Martha invited).  

My question is, do they not see the kind of person that Karen truly is?!  She cut the person from the group who started it all!  Who is friends with each and every one of them.  Well minus Tara, who for some reason that I am not privy to, hates my guts now.  

The point of this post isn't to out all these girls (their names have been changed), but rather to express my deep, intense pain and disappointment over the whole situation.  

I have been cast aside as a friend before.  Used for what I was good for, and when that was done, thrown away like a piece of trash.  It's a common theme in my life.  So what is it about me that makes people think that I am so disposable?  That getting rid of me is better than keeping me around? 

I am giving.  I have literally opened the doors to my home and had friends LIVE with us for a year for free so they could save for a home.  Do you know what happened when they moved out?  They never ever talked to us again.  In fact, they stole from us on the way out.  Nice parting gift huh?  We saved them from living in a place where there were drug deals going on in the parking lot, to live in an executive home for FREE for over a year.  Why are they so mad at us you ask?  We asked them to park on the street so we could get our cars out of the driveway.  Wow, we are assholes.  One small concession for living for FREE for a full year.  And that makes us the devil.  And if it did bother them so much, why couldn't they come talk to us and we strike up a compromise?  Because throwing away our friendship was better than keeping us.  

My good friend, Heidi, told me to not let it change me.  Don't let people take my joy and don't let them change the heart I have.  How can I not?  It makes me want to say "FUCK THE WOLRD" and just live for me and my family.  

I feel very alone.  I know these girls aren't all my very best of friends - but two of them were.  So I lost two of my very best friends at once.  And now THEY are friends.  They didn't even know each other.  

Krista - bringing assholes together!  That could be my tag line! 

I know pain usually comes before growth and things getting better - but this hurts so much.  I give everything to my friendships - and maybe therein lies the problem.  I give too much.  I just never thought you could give 'too much'.  

The part that hurts the most is that not one person has reached out to me.  NO ONE misses me.  And I almost never ever get an apology for the way I'm treated.  Or a thank you.  It just makes me feel like I must be the one that is always wrong.  

But in this scenario, I can actually look back and KNOW that I did everything in my power to help these friends.  I KNOW I did nothing wrong but care for and love them with all that I have.  I opened my heart and my home to them.  And still they hurt me.  And they don't miss me.  Because now they have each other.  I'm old news.  How HURTFUL is that?! 

So I'm working on me.  I've been using a new planner and focusing on improving myself.  I've also been seeing a therapist and working on my boundaries.  Saying no, accepting help when offered.  It's very hard for me - my tendency is to give and not receive.  If I am offered help, seldom do I take it.  

I'm working on me.  I'm working on my business.  I'm focusing on my family.  And it's not perfect but it's progress.  And that's all one can hope for.  

So I will have another good cry, then have a great work out and sweat and tears will wash away in the shower and I'll try again.