I honestly don't know what I'm doing. Like in anything really. I am just winging it. This WHOLE thing. Motherhood, friendship, marriage, ... LIFE!!!
I was hurt, about a year ago, very badly by a friend of mine. Someone who has been in my life for over 10 years. She's a very controlling person, and for the most part, I just go along with it. Whatever "it" is doesn't usually affect me all too much and I just don't care enough to make a federal case out of it. Well, that changed a year ago.
Our family life was in the shitter. Paul and I were fine, but the kids were in crisis. And P and B at the SAME time. Both were in and out of the hospital for mental health concerns. P had started cutting. CUTTING!! Eating disorders, depression even attempting suicide I could relate to, but cutting was entirely new for me. Needless to say, Paul and I were stressed to the MAX. I had a quilting weekend coming up and I was stressed about going. There was so much going on at home, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I had arranged with a friend, who was also going, that if I needed to leave at the drop of a hat, she would pack up my stuff and take it home at the end of the weekend. So I could literally leave at a moment's notice.
Well, B was admitted to RVH and diagnosed with COVID while there so no one was allowed to even visit him. P was working all weekend, and Paul was home with K keeping him entertained. Paul urged me to go, saying I needed the break, and what would I do at home anyways? Which, when I thought about it, with everyone busy, I realized he was right!
So I went. Well this friend, Karen, DID NOT like that one bit. So instead of talking to me like a grown-up, she talked about me behind my back to the entire group. The group, as I said in the last post, that I created. Paul thinks I'm being petty by continually mentioning that - but the point is that everyone knew ME. No one knew each other before I formed this group. I thought there would be some loyalty there - but no. There is not.
Fast forward to this year, the group went on retreat without me! WITHOUT ME!! I was devastated. I don't know why. I hardly talk to most of these girls at all throughout the year. It just all felt very hurtful.
Well, fast forward to this week and Karen is BACK!! Messaging me and texting me and even APOLOGIZED. TWICE. When I told her I was hurt not being invited on retreat.
And today I had her over to my house for an hour as we sewed in my new sewing space. (Note to self: I need more shareable space). It was nice. I wanted to be guarded. I wanted to put up walls so that she couldn't get IN again and hurt me. But that's not really me. So we chatted just like old times. I even went so far as to tell her my side of the story with Tara. (I kinda regret that now...but I didn't say anything derogatory, just told her what happened. So I guess it can be a sort of test...)
Then after she left I thought to myself, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DOING?! I feel like it's the rabbit inviting the fox into their den. Why am I doing this? Why do I want to be friends with her? Why can't I just let the friendship die and say, THE FUCK WITH YOU!!
Let me ponder this and try to come up with something.
Karen is a very good sewer. She is very knowledgeable and she is willing to share that knowledge. She also sews every day. She is giving with her knowledge and her talent. I have one of her quilts in my home (and one of her mother's) and I have SEVERAL gifts from her handmade by her. She is generous with what she sews. I learn when I am with her. And she lives VERY close to me. It was completely awkward driving by for a year and not talking to her or being her friend. I would force myself to NOT look at her house. I didn't want to care who was over or what she was doing. The friendship was not all bad. There was one major incident when I stood my ground - and she didn't like that very much.
IF I'm going to get back into this friendship, I need to do it with my eyes wide open. She is a person who will ditch you if you piss her off or annoy her. She is a person who gossips and talks about people behind their backs.
Sounds like someone you want to be friends with right? NO, it doesn't. So again, I ask, what the actual fuck am I doing?!
Literally, as I'm typing this, she texted me and apologized again. THREE times. Clearly, she has realized she picked the 'dud' friend. The crazy person who is out for herself and herself only.
I am moving forward. I am KICK ASS 2023 Krista.
My philosophy is now: if you wanna be friends with me in 2023 and beyond, I'm moving forward and moving fast. So keep up or drop off.
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