CHECK!

 

And today's journal entry is brought to you by "it's on my to-do list".  

I like writing.  I find it cathartic.  And I've been told I'm good at it.  I guess when I try or I'm motivated enough to talk about a certain topic.  But it feels like to me I get all those swirling thoughts out of my head and down on paper, or er, on the screen as it may be.  

So I thought what's better than doing one journal entry a week?  DOUBLE IT!!  DO TWO!!  And this planner I'm using is UH-MAZING at keeping me focused and giving my life a purpose.  Not that I don't have a purpose...but some days ya know...you feel like you are just wandering around without any general sense of direction.  (much like this journal entry)

But what happens when your intention of becoming more focused, getting those thoughts out on paper (or screen), being intentional...all of those...what happens when it just becomes something on your to-do list?  Is it as effective?  Or is it just another load that you have to carry until it's done?!

LORD knows I have enough on my to-do list and a large enough load that I'm getting ripped just from carrying it all.  (Of course, this is mental and not actually physical...which hey would be super great but not quite yet...I'm working on it)

So I'm not quite sure what the answer to that question is.  So I'm going to follow the process, trust my gut and proceed with getting it done.  

I mean, when is a mental brain dump ever a bad thing?  

My friendship with Karen is still progressing...albeit slowly and with caution.  

I am a talker.  I don't like empty void spaces of no talking (I've been told this a technique of many salespeople to LEAVE empty space and let the OTHER person talk...I've never been good with that) and I say WAY too much.  I am, for the most part, an open book.  I don't put on airs, I'm not fake and you know what I'm thinking at any given moment.  I guess that means I would never make a good poker player.  

So I am hesitantly moving forward with the friendship, trying to talk as little about Tara as possible.  But man oh man the drama that girl brings to her life.  It's like a car wreck...you don't wanna look, and you feel bad, but MAN!  You just have to look.  

I vow to try to keep my mouth shut more and stop talking about Tara.  She's not a part of my life anymore (YIPPIE WAFFLE IRON BACK!!!) and that is sad but clearly, she was hiding a part of her that I didn't know existed.  I'm sad for losing the relationship I was building with her daughter but maybe there is hope for that.  She will eventually get social media and I'll reach out to her.  

My mind is all over the place.  I simply cannot focus on this journal entry today.  I have made a reservation for Blue Willow Tea Shop for Mother's Day.  I have called my husband.  I have replaced the ink toner in my ink jet printer, I have looked at and relooked at my planner to see what else I have to do today...what the hell is wrong with my mind?!?!?!

Okay now I'm going to order more ink for the printer because I'm running low on black.  I need to do my taxes. I need to book some time to visit my mother-in-law.  I'm a mess.  I feel like my brain is one big bowl of spaghetti!  No wonder I can't accomplish my goals...I can't stay focused on them long enough!  

Okay texted MIL.  

Where was I?  Friendship with Karen.  I am cautiously moving forward.  I like the knowledge she brings to my life in terms of sewing.  I like the motivation she pushes me.  And I like her firm boundaries.  There are lots of things I don't like - but here's the thing.  I have the power to see as much or as little of her as I want.  And I can curb the negative by always putting a positive spin on it.  She will get the hint eventually. 

We will see where it goes.  It sure feels good to feel wanted.  And missed.  What hurt more than anything was that I missed these people when they were suddenly gone from my life and to think they just so easily cut me from their life and didn't miss me at all?!  So hurtful.  That I could so easily be cut from someone's life and not missed at all!

Last night I had dinner with Alice and Corinne.  Alice is one of Parker's ex-girlfriend's mom!  We liked her parents so much we stayed friends with them.  Corinne is a good friend of Alice's.  We went on a girls weekend at the cottage last October and I had a blast!  Alice texted me and said "hey wanna go for dinner at 5:38 pm.  LOL  Like usually I have dinner well underway by that time but as luck would have it I made dinner for everyone else BUT ME.  I was going to have a salad or protein shake.  I had a BIG buffet lunch.  So we went out for dinner.  It was so nice to feel wanted and listened to!  

Anyways, I'm a lucky girl and I'm starting to realize that if people don't want to spend time with me that is THEIR loss.  Sure I lose a little too...but I have a ton to offer and I'm kind and giving and FUCK them if they don't want to spend time with me!  hahahaahahah

Okay I need to end this spaghetti version of my journal entry.  NO focus today.  

Time to do floors, toilets, clean the van and drop off garbage out of my car!