I'm sitting on our couch fully reclined. One leg dangles over the reclined foot rest and gently swings back and forth. My other leg is bent up close to my body and I feel myself slipping. Not from the couch - but I feel like from reality. The reality I 'thought' my life was going to be like.
I guess that's not entirely true. If I talked to my 18-year-old self, she would probably say, "you're still alive?!" I never thought I would make it this far. I wanted to die so badly when I was a teenager. From about when I was 14 to 22 I was in and out of depression more than I can count. I tried to end my own life at one point - dumb ass me tried to hang myself from a shower curtain...the damn thing broke free from the wall almost instantly. So that makes you feel REAL good when you can't even kill yourself right.
I used to thank God for not being successful. I had my boys. My beautiful, innocent, blissfully happy boys that brought me so much joy. They are literally what kept me alive. Kind of ironic now since I feel like they are what is going to kill me.
Lately, I just feel like an emotional dumpster. "Got emotional baggage?! Don't carry that shit around anymore! Krista can handle it!! Dump it all on her!"
I've been told it's all my fault. That I'm not THERE enough for my family. I turned down my DREAM JOB. A job I had worked at getting for over six months. I took courses, I made contacts, and I put myself in ALL the uncomfortable positions I did not want to do! And then there it was. AGILE COACH! The holy grail of what I was looking for. I had just finished a position at Georgian College essentially doing that job (under a different job title of course) and I won awards for it!! Two awards - one given by the students (our stakeholders) and the next from the Board of Governors!! One of the most esteemed awards one can get at the college!
And there it was. AGILE COACH. For a BIG company too. CGI. I had gotten all I wanted. But turn around and three young boys are standing there staring at me. With no real reliable child care in place. We had gone through countless (literally I can't even count) nannies and none seemed to stay. How could I take a job over 95 km away with the confidence that my children were well taken care of?
The answer is I couldn't. So I turned down my dream job and took a job as a project manager. PROJECT MANAGER. Owner of Gant charts and time estimates that were never accurate and dealing with scope documents and project charters. BARF. The bain of my existence - AGILE had transformed me. It made me a better leader. It made my people better developers. It made my teams perform better, it made us feel like a family. It gave us all a purpose we could get behind. I felt like I was taking a HUGE step backward. But I could NOT put my career ahead of my family.
A man would. For sure he would. Because the WIFE would pick up the slack. But that's another blog post.
The PM roll nearly killed me. I swore it was giving me cancer every day I had to go in. And then my heart gave out. Almost, literally. I was diagnosed with a heart defect and it was exacerbated by stress. And my job was NOTHING but stress. The job was local. It was 9-5. I didn't need to rely on a nanny but it was still killing me.
So I quit. With nothing to go to, and no safety net other than unemployment (and we all know how lucrative THAT is) I quit my job immediately.
I was one course into a real estate certification and I had three months to complete 4 more courses. Piece of cake. Excpet it wasn't. It was the summer from hell. I missed family get together. I missed cottages and getaways. I passed my last exam with LITERALLY no wiggle room. 75% is a pass. I scored 75%! With only two days left until my preregistration period ran out. What does that mean you say? It means if I failed that course, I would have to start from square one ALL. OVER. AGAIN.
I've had a pretty successful real estate career. I won an award my first year. Then COVID. And then won the next level up for my third year. Fourth year won't be as stellar again since the market is in a HUGE downswing.
I've had some bad clients. For one client I reduced my commission to next to nothing (half a percent!) and got them $15,000 more than they were previously hoping for. Sold their house quickly - with little to no disruption to their lives. Then they changed their mind about selling. Said "get us out of the deal," I said I can't. You signed a contract. They threatened to take me to court. They said I was only in it for the money! I didn't MAKE any money!
And it has happened again. Only this time, it's a 'friend'. A best friend. Someone who I thought would be in my life till the end. We'd end up living together like the Golden Girls - our kids visiting these crazy old ladies in the home. Again, I reduced my commission. But I worked. I worked HARD. I emailed every single agent I have ever worked with or even talked to. I sent a link to the home and asked them to help me sell it - that I had motivated sellers and it needed to sell. I prepared the home. I helped clean, sand fences and banisters, painted, purchased pictures, bedspreads, lawn furniture, and plants. I paid for a bin so they could declutter. I paid for an electrician so they could bring their house up to code! I hosted an open house every weekend we were listed. I purchased more signs to make sure we were well advertised. I listed on every buy and sell group in the area.
And I was degraded. I was cussed out. I was told I'm not working hard enough and I don't know how to do my job. Then when my broker of record got involved, SHE was told the same. 26 years she has been in real estate and she was cussed out and told she has no idea what she's talking about. She runs FOUR brokerages!! Over 100 agents! But suuuuure, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Never mind the house is in need of MUCH work. Floors are swelling up from too much water and being old. Big dings and marks all over the walls. Old paint. No floors and missing drywall in the basement. Old and poorly lit basement rooms. Doors missing! Floors missing! And it's dirty. Dirt and grit in between your toes as you walk through the home. And in disrepair. And the lawn is full of weeds. And the unilock is uneven and needs to be ripped up. And the front deck is literally rotting away. AND they are asking $100K more than it's worth. I hosted an agent open house and 15+ agents went through the house and EVERY SINGLE AGENT said "reduce the price or do the work" and my "clients" will do neither.
But don't forget - it's my fault. And my broker of record's fault. Do you know, I even offered to purchase the house if it didn't sell for MORE than it's worth?! HOW STUPID AM I?! Needless to say that offer is NO LONGER on the table. Ya I went over there and ripped all the flowers out of the flower bed. "We don't need flowers. I'm not paying for them" So, if you didn't pay for them - and you fired me - they are mine aren't they?!
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